MILLSTONES & MIRACLES

In Webster’s dictionary, the definition of Truth is:  The true or actual state of a matter; conformity with fact or reality; a verified or indisputable fact. 

The truth is something that actually is – it’s a fact.  Truth is the honest state of something.   Sometimes in the world we are taught truths that appear to be truths at the time and for the age in which they are taught.  Then we learn that some things once thought of as truths are later changed as new information is revealed or discovered. 

One of my interests growing up was astronomy.  Our earth is a part of a solar system that revolves around a sun.  The idea that this sun generated light, energy and heat from which we benefited was fascinating to me.  But even more interesting was the idea that our planet earth was the only planet in the solar system that was 1) just the right distance from the sun to sustain human life and 2) not to be destroyed by it.  Our planet has just the right conditions to provide the life-giving necessities to maintain life on the planet as we know it.  The other planets in our solar system are too volatile to do the same.  Many years ago there was the idea that our earth was the one and only planet that could possibly be like this in all the universe.   The logic of the time would ask, “what are the chances of finding other planets, solar systems and stars that would function with such equal precision?”  It seemed highly improbable. 

Then slowly those ideas, those limited views started to change.  Scientists began wondering about the potential that there might be other solar systems, other planets like ours.  The Hubble Telescope was invented and sent out into space.  It began sending back pictures of incredible possibilities, stars much larger than our sun, planets that also revolved around a star, and too many solar systems to count.  For many years prior to this, our church leaders talked about “numberless” worlds, and then it seems that science caught up with that thought.  In the 1990’s I remember seeing a magazine with new pictures from Hubble.  It showed a portion of space that was the least populated area of space, and still there were millions of stars in that one picture.  The caption read, “Worlds Without Number”.  The things that were once considered the truth about space have changed as our knowledge about the subject increases.   

Our understanding of space is just one of the many things that have changed through the years.  Discoveries about health, exercise, medical knowledge, the human body, earlier civilizations, weather, the ocean, etc., etc., etc. have changed the truths about these subjects that existed in an earlier time.  What the world perceived as truth is no longer the truth.  Many truths in the world are temporary at best.

Real truths do not change.  They are constant and reassuring.  As the truths in the world keep changing, the truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ do not change.  We can rely on the gospel truths in a way that we cannot rely on others.  They are truths of light which bring happiness, healing and salvation.  Gospel truths are not temporary, but eternal, and though we cannot physically see them, the concepts of these truths are more real and more tangible than the things we can see.  Jesus Christ is light and truth.  Gospel truth and light is the only thing that will lead us to ultimate healing.  Eternal truths are these:  Heavenly Father is our eternal Father in Heaven.  We are His spirit children and lived with Him in a pre-mortal state before we came to this earth.  Jesus Christ is our brother.  He loves us and gave His life for us.  He felt our pains, our sadness, our sorrows and knows us intimately.  The things that Christ taught are truths of light, which are the most important and wonderful truths we can have in our lives.  We can always turn to Him to give us the truths needed to guide us through our mortal existence.  Accepting His truths changes our lives for the better.

In my experience, there seemed to be two kinds of truth pertaining to my trial.  There were those truths of light, which I clung to.  The light they brought sustained me.  But there were also dark truths about the terrible things that had happened.  Like it or not, these truths from the darkness were also real.  Dark truths are in direct opposition to gospel truths.  They bring misery, sadness and pain. Satan is the master of these dark truths, and he doesn’t like truths of light at all, so he lies about the truths of light and tries to convince us that they are not real.  

The truth of a dark matter must be accepted in order to move toward the truth of the light and rediscover the truth of happiness and joy.  Truths of darkness and pain are hard to accept and hard to bear.  It is difficult to feel the painful truth of something, to accept it when it is hard.  The scriptures tell us that sometimes the truth is hard to bear, especially when it is uncomfortable because we are not in line with the gospel principles.  But other times, through no fault of our own we must go through trials that are accompanied by truths that are also hard to bear.  I believe that abuse comes with an ugly truth that is hard to bear.  But truths of light can overcome dark and ugly truths. 

After finding out the truth of Phil’s abuse, it was not easy for me to admit to or say, “My husband has been involved in sexual abuse of children”.  It was also hard to admit that some of the abuse had been going on right under my own roof and I didn’t know it.  I believe I didn’t see the truth of what was happening because it was beyond my point of reference.  Never had I been exposed to anything even mildly similar to sexual abuse, and I could never have imagined that it would be happening to my children and children of people I loved, especially at the hand of their father or friend.  Sometimes we ignore things in our lives that are uncomfortable when we don’t want to deal with them.  This was not the case with me.  Originally I didn’t know that the abuse was happening – it was always done in secret.  But I also didn’t “see” it, because I wouldn’t have been able to understand the depth of the evil being perpetrated, nor did I recognize the signs of sexual abuse at the time.   

In spite of all that, I was still left with a terrible, painful truth.  The abuse had happened and would affect those children that were abused for a long time to come.  I had a choice to make – I could accept that sickening truth and try to deal with it, or I could run away from it, bury it and pretend it never happened.  I didn’t have to think about this for long, because my better logic, my common sense told me that I could not ignore this.  It would not serve me well and more importantly it would not benefit my children in any way to pretend that it hadn’t happened.  If this ugly truth was ignored, they could be stuck in a cycle of non-recovery and possibly lead them to a dysfunctional life for the rest of their lives.  I had to accept the truth, however difficult it was and deal with it for their sakes.  I knew that if I didn’t accept the truth, they would never be able to be free of this demon. 

To recover from painful experiences like abuse, it is vital to acknowledge the truth, in spite how painful it is.  For some, accepting this dark truth may be almost as painful as the abuse was in the first place.  Our first inclination may be to ignore the truth or pretend that it didn’t happen.  Or the thought, “If I don’t acknowledge the abuse, then it will just go away.”  Dark experiences like abuse don’t just go away, but need some healthy intervention.  Pretending it didn’t happen or that it didn’t create a problem in the abused child or adult will absolutely not make it go away.  Trying to “sweep it under the rug” or hide it in a corner of the closet just makes the problem that much harder as time passes, and the victim of the abuse continues to suffer. 

One day when I was reading in the New Testament, John 8:32, I read, “And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”  When I read that scripture over thirty years ago, I felt it was talking directly to me.  The context of that scripture is Christ talking to the Jews, telling them that if they would accept the truth of the gospel and His message, it would make them free.  But I had such a strong feeling that this particular scripture referred to my situation as well.  If I was able to face the truth and the ugliness of what had happened, work through the pain, calling upon the Lord for help and guidance, then eventually my children and I could be free of the hideous truth that lay before us.  Accepting, or maybe the better word is acknowledging the truth, would surely make us free from the ugly bondage that could hold us. 

Acceptance and acknowledging helped us to face the truth so that we could work through it and deal with all the feelings involved.  Acceptance of it helped to take away some of the burden of the abuse, because we were able to admit that we did not take part in the plan and evil intents of the perpetrator.  We were victims of his abusive actions.  It was not easy to accept and it wouldn’t just be forgotten.   But in the accepting, the acknowledging, the telling and the grieving over what had happened, it allowed us to lay it all out, understand our victim role and take steps so we could go on with life.  Accepting and acknowleding the truth helped us to get past the past.  The darkness was out in the open and exposed for what it was, thus allowing light to come in and takes its’ place.   There were better truths of light that would help my family to heal if I embraced the truths of light.

As children work through the emotions about their abuse and their abusers, it is confusing and upsetting.  If children are very young they may not know how to express their feelings about what happened to them.  Depending on their age, they may not know the words to use and can’t vocalize what’s happened.  They don’t understand it themselves.  Children need to be allowed the opportunity when they are ready to talk about it and express how it made them feel.  

The truth of abuse is like a large boulder that has been dropped on us, trying to smother and smash us.  We can stay under that rock in the dark, feeling shattered.  The rock is so heavy and such a great burden, and it is dark under the rock.  But if we stay under that rock, it may destroy the very child of God that we are.  Bit by bit we must move the “dirt”, dig our way out and crawl out from under that rock. Then we must climb to the top of it and use this rock as a stepping stone to rise higher and closer to God.  From this perspective on top of the rock and out in the light, we can look to the healing power of Christ that will allow us to feel joy once again.  Going on with life doesn’t mean forgetting.  It means overcoming the thoughts that keep us stuck in the darkness.  It means choosing to see Christ’s light which will help keep the darkness at bay and give our attention to the much preferred light of Christ.

Rejecting the truth will not bring peace, even if the truth is difficult to admit and deal with.  Healing cannot come without total acknowledgment of the truth, good or bad.  Accepting truth allows the next and most vital step, which is to heal.  Pretending that there isn’t a problem doesn’t even leave us stagnant, it pulls us down.  Whatever our trials are, we cannot get past them without accepting the truth, especially when it is hard. 

When abuse is happening, the truth needs to be exposed.  That is part of my reason for writing this blog.  I admire people that stand up for those that have been abused – we need people to defend the children and others being harmed in such terrible ways.  When I first found out about what was happening, I just wanted to hide my head in a hole or run away from life.  The truth of Phil’s abuse was emotionally exhausting.  I was so afraid of the truth being exposed because of the stigma that may follow and the embarrassment that I felt.  As much as I wanted to run, I didn’t run away.  I stood up to stop the abuse in my own way, working quietly with my children to help them heal.  I didn’t have the emotional energy to do anything else but to help my children and myself, and I felt at the time that my devotions needed to be placed with my children.  It was not an appropriate time for me to proclaim the dangers of abuse from the rooftops.         

 I do not claim to be a professional about the psychology of abuse.  But because of my connection to the subject matter of this trial, I have studied many different sources regarding sexual abuse and the process of healing from trials such as this.  I feel qualified through my study and my own experience to speak about them.  I would like to share four steps that allowed me to deal with the truth of what I had been left with, and how it helped to heal me and my children.

     Step 1

Admit that the abuse happened and the sadness and anger you feel about it.  You don’t have to bring to your mind all the old memories and re-live them – doing that feels oppressive.  But we do need to admit when bad things have happened, that they’ve have had a negative impact on us and brought darkness into our hearts. That’s the truth about what abuse does.  We can’t change what happened, but we can start to change US  and the way we feel about ourselves and the way we see ourselves.   This begins by believing in ourselves and with the help of our Savior.  We must pray for the desire to be in the light of Christ and invite that light, and we must pray to shed the dark that was invited into our lives through the abusive experience.

Step 2

Know that YOU are not the abuse.  You did not ask for the abuse, you did not want the abuse.  Remind yourself of this truth.  Don’t let Satan creep in and tell you that you wanted the abuse – he is dirty enough to try that.  You never wanted to be abused in any way.  Satan will take a dark situation and use it against you in any way he can to pull you away from the light. You are a child of light, of God.  Though the abuse happened, you don’t want to keep it in your life or have it haunt you for the rest of your life.  Look into the mirror and talk to yourself, tell yourself that you are not the abuse.  You were victimized, but you choose not to be the victim any longer.

You can repeat these words or create what is most applicable for you:  “I choose to acknowledge that it happened to me, but I choose not to remain a victim of abuse.  I choose to rise above the darkness that someone else brought into my life.  I choose to be in the light and look to God to heal me.  I choose to be the light that God meant for me to be.  I choose to be the best of everything I have always wanted to be and that my life will not be determined by the abuse.  I CHOOSE!  I do not let my abuser choose for me any longer, but I choose to be me – happy, content, loving.  God loves ME.  I choose to love myself as God loves me and be in His light, to bring into my life whatever will bring the light, and send the darkness away.”

Step 3

Embrace yourself, the beautiful child of God that you are!  All that has happened in your life, good or ill, embrace it.  It’s partially made you who you are and will affect who you will become.  Embracing doesn’t mean holding on to it forever, it means accepting it and keeping what you can from the experience, but keeping only the things that will help you to move forward and rise above it.  Think of the positive things that you have learned from this experience and allow yourself to be taught by them.  We are meant to change.  We are meant to progress.  We are not meant to stay stagnant or sad or depressed.  God  wants us to be happy!  You are His child and He wants the best for you.  He knows that you can grow and learn from your experiences.  He knows that you have within you the ability to be a God or a Goddess.  We cannot become all that we were meant to be without our trials, because they teach us.  We are in an earthly classroom where we experience opposites.  We learn the differences between good and evil, sorrow and pain, health and sickness.  We learn from ALL our experiences, not just the good ones.  In fact, how can we know what good really is without understanding the darkness as well?   In all your experiences, find the things that will help you grow, and embrace them.

Step 4

Love yourself!  Don’t be afraid to love you.  It’s not conceited and it’s not bad to love yourself.  It’s important, because we have to love ourselves in order to love others.  And we must love ourselves in order to fully love God.  We are daughters and sons of God and we belong to Him.  So love yourself, because He loves you and thinks you are worth loving, and you are His.  He gave His Son for you so that you can return to live with Him in heaven!  That is more love than we can possibly comprehend.

Lastly, don’t stay in a victim role.  I think we use the word “victim” for lack of a better word, but being a victim of a crime in this world often attributes to the belief that all is lost.  Being a victim means we have been victimized, but it doesn’t mean we have to stay in a victim role.  We can crawl out from under that rock of abuse, and be free through the loving atonement of Jesus Christ.  Don’t be afraid or hesitant to get help from a good professional, someone that can talk you through this difficult subject.  I believe that our Father in Heaven gave us gifts to work through the pain of abuse.  One of those may be a trained professional.  Other gifts that can be used to heal may be your own talents and abilities, something positive where you can channel your focus and bring happiness to your heart.  The most important healing gift is the miracle of the Atonement through His son, Jesus Christ.  Ask for His divine help and guidance so that you can recover from the abuse.

The truth can make us free.  This may seem like an odd concept in the case of abuse, but acknowledging it and rising above it will make us free from the clutches of the darkness of abuse.  Ignoring it or pretending that it didn’t happen will only keep us in its’ grasp.  We can be free, because we have this saving truth – Jesus Christ, our Redeemer lives!

 I think when people use the word “abuse”, it congers up various things for different people depending on their perspectives in life.  When I speak of abuse, I am not talking about the appropriate and acceptable processes of disciplining a child and I’m not referring to an occasional reprimand used as a teaching tool for improper behavior.  I am talking about severe, forced and manipulative abuse that perpetrators impose upon individuals, be they children or adults. 

Children are born into this world pure and undefiled.  They have a natural curiosity and wonder, and are open and vulnerable to taking in all they see and learn.  Children are gifts that we are to treasure and love.  They are to be cared for and nourished as they grow and learn to become responsible adults.  Children should be allowed to flourish in a loving environment where they can be taught how to achieve their heavenly potential.  That is my opinion and my hope, though it is often not an earthy reality.

 As a child is sexually abused, the abuser places a heavy burden on the child’s young mind.   The abuse is devastating as it invites the adversary, pure evil to come into their lives.  Prior to his contact with others, the perpetrator has already welcomed Satan’s minions into his own heart.  As he carries those evil spirits with him, they follow and try to have place in those that are being abused.  The dark spirits have been invited by the perpetrator and they do not want to leave, but they desire to take up residence in a new host.  Their goal is to bring about sorrow and pain to an individual and to introduce every bad thing possible while delighting in our anguish and afflictions.  Dark spirits don’t care if they hurt children, babies or adults, no matter their ethnicity or background – they are no respecter of persons.  Their purpose and objective is to ruin the lives of every human being on this earth. 

I believe that Phil knew what he was doing was wrong.  I also believe that once an abuser has begun deviant behavior, Satan begins his powerful hold upon him or her.  It’s possible that not all perpetrators know what they’re doing is wrong, because they may not have been taught right from wrong.  But Phil knew, and the more he abused, the more Satan helped him to rationalize that what he was doing wasn’t wrong.  He learned to be two faced, to compartmentalize his life into two parts.   One minute he could be the good guy everyone liked and admired and the next minute he would be the pedophile, but always covering up his abhorrent behaviors.  I don’t believe when Phil and I married that his abusive streak had begun.  I think it began around the second or third year of our marriage.  Once he began, he hid his abnormal actions behind his talents and the life he had created for himself.  He was good at showing himself to the world the way he wanted to be seen.  He was the great pretender just like his new master.

I don’t know if abusers realize they have sold themselves to Satan.  They think they are all powerful and have control and power over others.  They believe they will not be caught in their repugnant behavior because they are much smarter than everyone else and can easily manipulate others and make themselves believable.  Often they are narcissists and feel they are the most important person in life and delight in having control over someone else, which makes them feel powerful and mighty. The reality is this – they are the ones being controlled by the master of evil.  Abusers have actually lost all control as they have given in to the lies and deceptions of the master of control.  Satan only desires to ruin lives and make a fool of others.  He loves to make people think that they have all power when they are actually a puppet for Satan every time they give in to their own weaknesses.  The abuser choses temporary self-pleasure to gratify, not understanding that he/she is trading that in and will  lose everything else – all honor, all integrity, all the most important qualities that Christ taught us to have.  A dear friend wrote me a card stating that he thought Phil had given up all he had, like Esau in The Old Testament, selling his birthright for a mess of pottage.  What a tragedy.

A perpetrator is usually someone the child knows.  It may be a father, uncle, family friend, grandfather, step father, close neighbor, etc.  Abusers come from every walk of life.  They come from every socio-economic background and can be in our circle of family, friends, community leaders or our next door neighbor.  They aren’t just one “type” of person.  Some may be highly esteemed professionals in their vocation.  Seemingly nice people may be a child abuser.  Perpetrators do not always appear to be scary looking people with anger in their eyes, or monsters as we see in the movies.  They are people we know and trust, and they know this and use that trust to access their victim.   How many times have you heard news stories of a neighborhood in shock because their “quiet, nice neighbor who never caused any problems” ended up in a domestic violence situation and someone got hurt or even killed?  Abusers hide behind the facade they have created to conceal their intentions.  A few years ago a man who had known Phil in his college years commented to me, “It’s too bad about Phil.  He was such a nice person with a little problem.”  As he walked away I was shocked at his lack of understanding and his insensitivity to me and my children and the trauma we were left to deal with.  Perpetrators that hurt children are not “nice people with a little problem”.  They are dangerous people with a big problem.  Don’t assume that if someone is friendly that they are safe and trustworthy.  They will use our trust to their advantage.   People’s perceptions about this entire subject are often incorrect.

 Pedophiles often “groom” their victims by appearing to be kind and by showing extra special attention to the child.  Sometimes perpetrators will go out of their way to find specific things the child enjoys doing and providing that activity for the child and himself to do together.  They establish a point of enjoyment and trust.  An abuser may not use threatening language, but rather lie to the child saying that sexual interaction between adult and child is the way they show love to each other.  Perpetrators often give a warning to the child not to tell anyone, because others may not understand this type of “love” between them.  This was Phil’s mode of operation, which was also his way of protecting himself from others finding out the truth.  Another approach an abuser may use may be to threaten the child, telling them that harm may come to the child or their beloved family members if they tell about the abuse.  It’s plain evil.  It makes no sense to me, none of it ever did.

 Be watchful for the signs of sexual abuse in a child.  The signs vary widely.  Abused children may have low self-esteem. They may feel dirty and try to wash their hands so hard they make their skin bleed.  They may feel damaged and are not able to trust others.  They may have a hard time concentrating on school work or a task, and seem distant in their thoughts.  The behavior of an abused child may be out of control, expressing themselves through anger or bursts of rage.  Or they may be withdrawn as their emotions quietly simmer underneath the surface, holding back feelings or experiences they can’t express outwardly.  Abused children may actually start talking to others (likely friends their own age) about “sex” when they shouldn’t know anything about it at their age, feeling that they have something to share that others don’t yet know about.  They may act inappropriately with their own bodies.  Abused children sometimes express themselves in strange ways because their minds are confused as a result of what has happened to them. They may become secretive, withdrawn or clingy.  They may have changes in their eating habits or bathroom habits.  Children may become fearful and have sleeping problems and nightmares.  Any one of these things alone doesn’t mean a child has been sexually abused, but if you suspect that a child is insecure, displays some of these signs or has an unusual problem, then it is time to ask questions.

 An abusive experience is always a dark one.  It sets up patterns within our very DNA that make it difficult to shed the darkness of what has been done.  Children often don’t tell about their abusive experiences.  Sometimes they will mention it and tell about it, but often they keep it inside afraid to tell an adult.  A child may admit to the abuse one moment, and the next moment they may recant and deny what they have said.  Even if the perpetrator convinces them that a sexual act is “ok” between them, I think a child knows deep down inside that it is not right.  They may feel guilt, as if the abuse is their own doing or their fault and they are too embarrassed to mention it to anyone.  That is a lot of heavy weight upon their shoulders!  It may take years for an abuse victim to admit what has happened to them.  I had a fifty year old friend confess to me that her grandfather abused her when she was a child and she’d never told anyone until she was much older.  Even siblings that are both being abused usually don’t talk to each other about the abuse they have both suffered, although they may have known the other sibling was being abused as well.  It is frightening for them to admit to being a victim of abuse.

 There are a wide range of different types of abuse.  Abuse can be physical, sexual, mental, emotional or spiritual.  Abuse from one person to another is not always obvious.  Treating someone in a demeaning or disrespectful way can be abusive.  Spouses that are not loyal to each other are abusive through their actions as they break their promises to their spouse and their marriage vows.  Often abusers don’t like to admit or accept that their behaviors are damaging to others.  They may try to make light of the abuse and say that nothing was really harmed, it was just their personal decision to live their lives the way they chose.  Whatever the abuse may be, it is always hurtful and harmful.  My children were sexually abused without my knowledge, and I was emotionally abused and lied to without understanding what was happening.  

Looking back I didn’t see at the time that Phil was abusing me emotionally.  It began slowly – he would demean my feelings by making light of things I told him.  He would dismiss my opinions or treat me as if I was silly and stupid.  In a very subtle way Phil made me feel totally unintelligent, which I now know is not true.  I had questions and concerns about his beliefs and odd behaviors from time to time, and when I would ask Phil about my concerns, he would dismiss them as unimportant.  Phil was my husband who I loved and trusted, so I believed him when he told me something.  I began to believe that I was a little crazy with my concerns. One day he came home from work, and I questioned him about something he had done.  His actions felt uncomfortable to me, so I asked him why he had made the choice he’d made.  As usual, he made up an excuse telling me that it was no big deal and I was blowing this “nothing” thing out of proportion.  I knew deep inside me that wasn’t true, but according to him I was once again being unreasonable and there was nothing to it.  I didn’t press him about it or any of the other questions that arose during this time in our lives.  He had me totally convinced that I was fanatical and out of line.  He was never physically abusive or obviously verbally abusive to me, so any outward signs of his cruelty were not evident – he was much more subtle than that.  Later after the truth of his conduct came to light, I came to understand that the spirit was sending me correct messages, but Phil was steering me off the path of listening to the special guidance from the spirit.  It was an evil and abusive thing for him to do, but it kept his “cover” going for a long time.   I have determined that never again will I allow someone to pull me off the path of receiving life giving messages and comfort from the holy spirit. 

I did not know about the abuse that Phil was perpetrating until that fateful day.  Once I found out about the abuse, I took steps to stop it and to protect my children.  Children that are not protected by those who should be saving them from harm lose trust in people. They have a difficult time making friends, having relationships and feeling joy.  Childhood has been taken away from them through the abuse.  Children’s lives are meant to be filled with joy, love and laughter – not with the evil things that abuse brings.  I heard an abused child say, “I feel different than other children, and I feel like I know more than other kids do”.  The things they “know more” about should not be the things they know at their age at all.  If children cannot trust the adults that are meant to protect them, it will destroy family relationships.  Additional emotional problems can creep in, and those problems can be carried from one generation to the next, causing dysfunctional behaviors if the abuse is not recognized and stopped.                                    

Trust is destroyed in abusive situations.  It is hard to recover when you thought you could trust someone and now you can’t.  I’ve noticed in relationships that when trust is gone, it’s hard to reestablish trust for that person.  It seems easier to love others than to trust them, and I think you can love and care about others and still not trust them.  That isn’t necessarily wrong.  You may be able to love someone, even pity someone who has chosen a deceptive path, but it’s actually a good thing to be cautious of their future behaviors, requiring them earn your trust back.  People that are naturally deceptive have deceived themselves most of all and don’t even feel trust for themselves.   

It is common for women that are involved with an abusive man to stay in the relationship.  I cannot speak for men that are in abusive relationships with women, but I’m sure these things are equally true for them.  I’ve learned that sometimes the mothers of children that are being abused know that the child is being abused by a father, grandfather, uncle, family friend, etc. and they don’t stop it.  I cannot comprehend this!  I think women that are in relationships with abusive men don’t come forward because they know if they do, their world will be rocked and shaken, forever changed.  My question is, “what is so great about being a part of an abusive relationship?”  Staying in an abusive relationship keeps us in bondage, in captivity to the darkest powers that Satan can offer.  I believe some women think it’s easier to keep what they have because they accept the lie that they will never have anything again if they leave this relationship – no family, no spouse, no love.  No one wants to be lonely.  After we divorced I found a new truth about loneliness… it is easier to be alone and lonely than to be with someone and lonely. 

We live in a world where sex is exploited everywhere.  The misuse of intimacy turns intimate acts into something that is dirty, wrong and ugly.  I don’t believe the Lord ever intended for sexual intimacies (those things that should only be between a husband and a wife) were to be used for anything but good.  It is the way that Heavenly Father’s children are able to come to earth.  It is a blessing that should be holy and never used for evil. 

If we could all truly see the “big picture” of why we are here on this earth, perpetrators would not participate in abusive behaviors.  As children of God themselves, they have forgotten who they are and the great blessing this life is.  And they have forgotten that when they abuse a child for their own pleasure, it is God’s child they are misusing.  Children are our greatest blessing, our world’s hope and future.  We have an obligation and stewardship to teach, love and protect them.  They are our spiritual, eternal brothers and sisters and we must protect their eternal welfare.  Perpetrators definitely need help, but statistics show a high rate of recidivism even with intense therapy over many years.  So I will defend the rights to protect the children over the rights for offenders to have their freedom.  As a society, we should always protect the children and do what is best for the child.  We as parents need to make a commitment to protect our children, all children.  We need to stand up for them, to keep them from the things in this world that would pull them away from the light of God.  If we see that they are in distress from an abusive situation, we need to step forward and defend those being mistreated. 

Children who are sexually abused are not responsible for the abuse.  They are either manipulated or forced to participate.  Children are not born with inherent evil.  Leaders, teachers, parents – please believe a child that tells you they’ve been abused.  Listen to them and help them.  Never shut the door of your heart to any child.  They need you to believe them, they need you to help them.  If their abuser is someone they know, it is a frightening thing for a child to report misconduct about an adult they love and care for.  Often it takes years for an abused child to come forward and say what has happened to them.  

As parents, we have an obligation and stewardship given to us from the Lord to provide, love and protect our children.  They deserve to be loved and nurtured, treated with kindness and taught how they can return to their heavenly home, back to their Heavenly Father. It is our responsibility to teach and nurture our children, to watch out for these little ones that God loves so dearly.  If we don’t protect them, who will?

  If you have ever knowingly allowed or suspected that a child has been abused by a family member, friend or anyone, repair the mistake that you did not come forward to stop it.  Go to the child that was abused and plead for their forgiveness and then get them the help they need to heal.  Acknowledge their pain.  Make a change in yourself and commit to choose the Lord’s light and never to be a bystander about abuse again.  The Lord can forgive you of this offense if you will vow to never knowingly allow such things to happen in the future.  If you are an abuser, stop the behavior now and get help from professionals, church leaders and those in your life that would want to help you.  Admit your crimes and plead for forgiveness from those you’ve abused, and use the atonement of Jesus Christ to heal you.

If you or a loved one are in a truly abusive situation, get help as quickly as possible.  Don’t hesitate – run away from the darkness and tell someone you can trust.  Don’t be fooled into believing that you are to blame for the abuse or responsible in any way.  This is the adversary trying to get you to stay in the abusive place.  Don’t let him convince you that you are not worthy of Heavenly Father’s love or that you’ll never have any real happiness.  Don’t let Satan tell you that you have no choice in the matter.  Occasionally I imagine that God is looking down upon this earth, saddened and sickened by what He sees happening to His children.  He would never want us to be bullied, treated cruelly or exploited by anyone. 

In the scriptures there are many stories about standing up for what is right, defending the truth and helping others in need.  Christ was the best example of this.  He took every situation and responded perfectly to what needed to happen at the time.  One day He would heal the leper, the next, raise someone from the dead.  When it was right to do so, he threw the “money changers” out of His holy temple and rebuked others for their wrong doing.  No matter what Christ’s actions were, His motivation was to heal others and to help them find their way by making correct choices. 

If we know that abuse is happening, we should do as Christ did – step in and stop it.  Sometimes it may be frightening, sometimes it may be dangerous.  But we can’t just sit by and let it continue.  The Lord can help us to be strong as we choose to protect His children.  These loved ones may be lost without our intervention.  All children are dear to Heavenly Father.  Christ is our shepherd and we must do all in our power to make sure those children are a part of “His fold.”

In my Christian home growing up, we were taught that we lived with God as a spirit child before we came to earth.  In that pre-existent state, we were taught about God’s plan for us to come to earth and gain a physical body at birth.  Having that physical body would allow us to grow and progress on this earth in a way that we couldn’t do so in God’s realm without a body.    We wanted to come to this earth so badly that we committed then and there to do anything necessary to receive a mortal body.  The next part of the plan was that we would have tests and trials, hopefully choosing the Lord’s path while we were on the earth so that we could return to live with him throughout eternity.  We would do anything to make that happen, even to experience the pains and trials of life. 

As I tried to reconcile the awful things that had happened to myself and my children, I mulled over and over my original decision to marry Phil a few years prior.  Through the Lord’s merciful spirit, I came to understand that I hadn’t made a mistake in marrying Phil and I hadn’t deserved the trial.  What I had done was to commit to come to this earth and face the trials that would beset me.  My belief is that we all told Father in Heaven that we would come to this earth and experience whatever trials we were given.  We needed to get a physical body and prove ourselves by choosing Christ and the path He taught us to follow.  We might not have understood how painful that process would be at times, but I believe with all my heart that we all committed to it.  This idea may be controversial and rejected by some because of the horrific things people have to live through on this earth, but the entire notion of this line of thought rings true to me.  I know that I committed to come to this earth and have this particular trial.  I believe that I said that I would do anything it took to get back to Heavenly Father.  Anything. 

         You might be asking, “why would you say such a thing?”, or “how can you even think that you committed to go through such terrible things?”    

My answer is simple, yet complicated.  The Lord helped me to understand this.  One day after learning the horrible truth, I was sitting on my couch in the living room.  While looking out the window, I pondered the question again, “how could this have happened?”  I truly could not comprehend it, nor could I understand that this was now my life.  I didn’t want this.  I wanted a nice, peaceful, organized life where I could count on Phil to be a great husband and father.  Again my thought was, “this could not be happening to me!  Why was this happening?  What was I supposed to do now?”  Then something amazing happened.  The answer suddenly popped into my head, and for the first time in my life I believe I experienced “pure knowledge” flowing into my soul.  This type of knowledge hasn’t happened to me many times in my life, but this time it did. 

It was as if a long parchment of paper was dropped in front of my eyes and I saw a lengthy list of chances that Phil had been given to turn his life around.  He had a weakness, and the Lord had given him a chance to change.  The long list of things I saw, or “chances” that Phil had been given included our marriage, beautiful and loving children, a devoted wife, a knowledge of Christ and a loving Father in Heaven, intelligence, talents, a home, extended loving families, food to eat, clothes to wear, living in a free country, the comforts of life, etc.  Phil was blessed with devoted friends and family, was successful in his field of study and was completing an advanced degree.  He earned straight A’s in school and tested in the “genius” category on intelligence tests.  He had the opportunity to serve in some wonderful ways in our church.  The Lord loved him and wanted Phil to return to live with Him, use his gifts to bless others and be a leader in the church and the community.  The Lord gave him many chances to choose goodness, honesty and integrity. 

I continued to be taught as I pondered those ideas.  By way of a strong spiritual confirmation, I knew that I had committed to help Phil.  I knew that I had offered to help him through his trials, and that through our lives together he would have the opportunity to change.   Phil just didn’t do it, and after a while he couldn’t do it.  He made a choice not to choose Gods’ loving chances and rejected the blessings of Christs’ atonement that could return him home.

I also know that I committed to help my children through the trial this had become in their lives.  I remember the feelings I had at the birth of my first child.  I had the expected amazement at this miracle that had just been born to me, but I had another feeling I didn’t understand at the time.  As my baby lay in the hospital baby bed that had been placed at the foot of my hospital bed, I had the unexpected feeling that this new little person was my friend.  We had known each other before we came to this earth.  I had committed to being her mother, to love her, teach her and help her throughout her life.  But we had been friends first, and I had said that I would be her mother.  We would teach each other as we lived our lives together.  My children have always been my greatest blessings.  I may have said that I would help my children on this difficult path we have walked in life, but they have helped me and taught me much more than I have done for them.  I felt assured that if I committed to this, then they must have committed to it, too.  We were all in this together, bound by painful ties and blessing each other’s lives.

By committing to heaven that I would do this hard thing, I know that I also committed to helping others in life.  As the years have gone by, I have had the opportunity to become friends with people that needed me and I needed them equally.  We have shared our struggles together, helped one another and taught each other things we needed to learn.  What a blessing it is to have wonderful relationships with family and friends, people who we may be helping one minute, and the next minute they help to elevate us.  

Sometimes it is hard to understand why we would have committed to the things that happen in our lives.  I have a dear friend that lost his mother at a young age and went through trying times in his youth when he really needed a mother.  He jokes with me about the choices he and I made in heaven prior to coming to earth.  He says that the two of us went out for ice cream while God was explaining the really hard stuff that all of us would have to go through in this life, so we didn’t hear everything He said.  Then when we returned from our ice cream outing, we raised our hands and said, “Yes!  We will go!”  If we had heard the entire set of earthly conditions, we surely wouldn’t have chosen them. 🙂  It makes me smile to think of his explanation, but we both know that we chose the hard path.  Now as we’re on earth God is watching over us as we continue down our paths.  God’s nurturing is like walking down a shadowed path and seeing the light just above. 

I was stunned that something so terrible had happened to me.  Worse than that, it had happened to my dear little innocent children.  They were so young, so pure, so new to this earthly existence. They were beloved of God, I knew that.  How could this have happened to them?  The father who I always thought should be loving and kind, provider and protector had actually used my children, his children in such a horrific manner.  He’d broken the trust of being a loved son, brother, husband, father, son-in-law, uncle.  My mind knew that terrible things happen to people – that’s a part of life I recognize, but my thoughts were so jumbled and confused.  I was unable to believe that something so dreadful had happened in my little family and to accept the truth.  My brain would silently shout over and over, “This can’t be happening to me and not to my children!”  This is not the way I had tried to live my life, this was not a part of my life’s plan, and now I was faced with a life turned upside down.  The new life I was now going to have to face was nothing I had ever considered – my nightmares weren’t as bad as this.  In fact, sleep was my solace. 

My desire had always been to be a mother.  I wanted to have children so badly, and I wanted to be a good mother to them.  I had hopes and dreams of what I would do with them, how they would be raised and the fun we would have.  Though I knew raising children would not always be easy, it was my heart’s desire to be a mother.  I may have been naïve but I had no comprehension that a parent could do anything but love, care for, protect and cherish the children they would be blessed with. 

So why had these bad things happened to me?  I guess it’s natural to ask ourselves these kinds of questions when something bad happens to us.  I went back in my mind to my youth, trying to figure out what I had done so wrong that would have caused this to happen.  Was this a result of some bad behavior in my past?  Was this a punishment for something I had done wrong?  I knew that I wasn’t a perfect person, but I seriously had never done anything to deserve this.  There had been times when I was too flippant about things in life, sometimes totally clueless about how my inconsiderate actions may be hurting someone else.  But I was never malicious and I never set out purposely to hurt anyone or to manipulate them.  Though I may not have been perfect, my desire was ultimately to choose to follow the Savior.  I had tried to live a good life.  What I had to learn was this…just because we try to live good lives doesn’t guarantee that bad things won’t happen to us. 

There are several misconceptions that people have about trials.  Misconceptions are harmful to us, and cause confusion and depression.  Some of these ideas are learned, some are imposed upon us by people with ideas that don’t include the hope of Jesus Christ.  Some misconceptions are placed in our minds by the adversary as he tries to use them to bring us to despair.  Let’s talk about some common misconceptions.

Misconception 1

When something terrible happens in our lives, it’s got to be someone’s fault.  Someone must be to blame for the bad thing that just happened.  Why do we want to blame?  It’s probably because we don’t remember our whole purpose here on the earth.  At times we want to blame God for what is happening to us, especially if it feels like an injustice.  I understand why people get angry and blame God when something bad happens to them.  It’s because they are hurting so badly that they can’t understand or accept that a loving God allows bad things to happen.  Humans need to have a reason why things happen.  They feel it’s important to blame things on others so that they can put things in order in their own minds.  The thought is, there’s got to be some reason, some explanation why bad things happen.  It’s hard to accept that terrible things do happen in our lives and there are times that bad things just happen.  Sometimes other people make choices that hurt us.  Other times our own choices hurt us.  But God is not to blame.  God is there to help us, waiting for us to ask for His love and guidance, waiting to change us and draw us closer to Him. Blame only cankers the soul with hate.  For a while I hated Phil, but I found that if I kept on hating him, the Lord’s spirit would leave me and Satan would come in His place, bringing more unhappiness and more sorrow.  Hate can kill our souls.  I would always hate what Phil had done, but it was important to my own well-being that I stop feeling hate toward him.  I asked the Lord for His help, and He changed the hate in my heart to pity and sometimes even compassion. 

Misconception 2

If I live a good and  righteous life, then nothing bad will ever happen to me.  When I was a teenager, I remember being taught that we need to make good choices.  Somehow I think that people in my era got the impression that if you tried to be a good person and to do good that nothing bad would happen and you’d have  a great life.  Life would be wonderful because you’d been good, while others around you that hadn’t made the same good choices would not have that same wonderful life.  Wherever that idea came from (maybe in my own mind), it was wrong information.  It was wrong for two reasons.  1) If we or others make bad choices, the Lord does not curse us forever.  He still offers the atonement to all, and someone can change their life by using the gift of the atonement.  2)  The Lord didn’t ever promise us that if we lived the commandments and tried to be good, that we would never have trials.  We are not guaranteed or promised a life where nothing ever goes wrong.  What we ARE promised is this – that WHEN bad things happen (and they will, to all of us eventually), the Lord will be with us to guide us and help us through our trials.  I believe the scriptures when say that God will be with us – He will stand with us and send angels to help us.  I believe it, because I have experienced these things.  If our hearts are set on God and Christ, their gift to us to help us through our trials will be the peace they send.

Misconception 3

When bad things happen to people, they must deserve it.  That is so wrong!  I battled with this idea and had to stop and realize the falsehood of this statement.  It’s the kind of notion that Satan would put into our heads to get us to feel hopeless and to turn away from the Lord.  Satan wants us to feel undeserving of blessings the Lord will send.  He desires that we blame ourselves for every negative thing that happens in our lives, which will move us to a place of despair.  I struggled with the idea that I must deserve this trial somehow.  But that thought didn’t ring true, because there were innocent children involved, and they hadn’t had a chance to do anything wrong.  They certainly did not deserve it and neither did I. 

Misconception 4

We can always have control of our own lives, make sense of everything and find perfectly good explanations as to why things happen in our lives.  The problem with this idea is that we want all things in our lives to make sense, but that is mostly impossible.  Life experiences are fraught with consequences and outcomes for all kinds of reasons that don’t make sense.  The “cause” of something and its’ subsequent “affect” can’t always be explained neatly.  If we break the laws of the land, then there will be a consequence to our actions and a price that must be paid.  But because of this “consequences” idea, we feel that there will always be a cause and effect to the way our lives go.  If we obey the laws pertaining to driving, we may think that we will never get in an accident.  That’s not true, because other peoples’ choices, mistakes or even just the conditions of the road may affect how they drive and what happens to them and in turn, what happens to us.   Someone else may run into us for any number of reasons, and harm may be done and it may not be anyone’s fault.  We want to quantify everything, to make sure all the things that happen in our lives can be put into a nice, neat little box where everything can be explained.  I have learned that things can’t always be explained or made sense of.   “Cause and affect” does not always apply.  Life happens when we’re least expecting it, but that is also part of the Lord’s plan for us. 

My trial felt like an injustice and it was unfair!  And I don’t know why, but I didn’t feel to blame God for my troubles.  I think it’s because I knew that I needed Him, He was my salvation to rise out of this mess.  I couldn’t blame the God who would be the only one that could ultimately pull me out of this dark experience and help me to be happy again.  I was desperate to be healed, and I knew my Savior was the only one who had the power to do that.  We don’t need to feel broken because Christ is in our lives – He has sacrificed so that we are not broken and destroyed by the things that happen to us.  The Lord never sees us as broken, he sees us as sons and daughters of God, and He suffered to make us whole.

Life is not fair – don’t look for life to be fair and equitable.  Bad things DO happen to good people.  It is part of our mortal existence.  Life wasn’t meant to be about fairness.  Fairness is irrelevant, because the tests and trials we have are a part of why we are on this earth.  They teach us and stretch us and we must either give up, or try to hang on and learn from the experience.   After a time, I learned to stop asking the “why me?” questions, and to start asking, “why not me?”  Why should I be exempt from the trials of life, exempt from the tutoring moments from which I could learn and grow?  Life is meant to be about learning and progression, to become sanctified through our refining.  I learned that “unfair” things can eventually be made whole through the healing power of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

This Christian hymn spoke to my soul so many times:

“Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 
Even though it be a cross that raiseth me.
Still all my song shall be nearer, my God, to thee.
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee.

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone,
Yet in my dreams I’d be nearer, my God, to thee.
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee.

There let the way appear, steps unto heaven;
All that thou sendest me, in mercy given;
Angels to beacon me nearer, my God, to thee.
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!”

When any one is going through a trial, a challenging life change, there is no way to dig out of it or rise above it unless we determine to move forward in spite of it.  There are lessons to be learned that can mold and shape us that will allow us to keep going and progressing in life. 

I love clouds. I love how they change – their different shapes, sizes, colors, heights, etc.  One minute they take a certain shape, and the next minute that shape is gone, transformed into something else or may have become shapeless and wispy.  There are definite types of clouds we learn about in school, but no two clouds are totally alike, ever.  I am fascinated by the look of clouds.  From their majesty and threatening appearance in a storm to their softness in a sky of pure blue, they are remarkable creations. I’ve taken hundreds of pictures of clouds that seemed to call to me to notice them.  I’ve learned things from clouds.  Though they are constantly moving through the sky and ever changing, they are still clouds, part of God’s creations.  No matter what terrible things happen in our lives, we are still human beings, children of God with a purpose.  As the picture of the cloud above was shaped into a beautiful form by the wind at the end of a devastating and destructive wind storm, the lessons, our winds of change, can help us emerge more beautiful than we were before our own storms.

About five months after my “hell day” and during the same month my divorce was final, Phil was sentenced to serve prison time.  During Phil’s sentencing, the charges of his abuse involving my oldest child were dropped as part of the plea bargaining.  She would still be a victim “of record”, but the abuse she suffered would not be considered in the sentencing.  The charges involving only two of the children would be upheld and used in the decision.  Phil was given a sentence of “five years to life” in prison.  He would serve only five of those years at this time.

My family and I were angry that he may serve a mere five years of prison time for his crimes against the young children we loved so much.   This sentence meant that he would be reevaluated after he had served five years and could be released on parole if he had been a well behaved inmate.  During his time in prison, Phil participated in all the therapy offered to him.  He passed the rehabilitation program with flying colors – to the authorities there he looked like a model prisoner.   So, after five years his case was reviewed by the Board of Pardons and the parole board granted him a release from prison with the stipulation that he would be on parole.  During this parole time his activities would be monitored.  He would not be allowed to be around children, especially unsupervised.  The monitoring system was partially an “honor system”, and though Phil had to report in to his parole officer, he wouldn’t be tracked or traced and would largely be able to live the life he chose.  Phil eventually broke the rules, especially the provision that he couldn’t be around children, and was around children many times over the next five years. 

In response to a strong impression, one of my siblings went to visit Phil in prison during those first five years.  I know this took a tremendous amount of courage to go and see him, but was motivated by a couple of things.  She wanted  to help protect the children and warned him to stay away from our family and from any of the children in the family when the time came that he was released from prison.  Guided by her Christian beliefs,  she also told Phil that the Lord loved him and didn’t want to see his life continue on this path.  I admired her for acting on this spiritual impression – I could not have done the same at the time.  Life was still too painful for me to see Phil and talk to him about anything.  I never wanted to see him again.

I was not notified when Phil was released from prison after being incarcerated for those five years.  There are programs in place now that will allow notification when a prisoner is released, and anyone can sign up to receive those notifications.  That program was not in place then, and because the charges connected to my child had been dropped, she was not considered a victim in the case and therefore we would not be notified of a change in his prison status.  Up to that point in time, I had felt great comfort that Phil was in prison and not able to access any children.  For those five years I was able to go through my days and not worry that he was out in public somewhere nearby and may try and make contact with my children.  After approximately five years of  his time served, I kept having feelings that I should call someone and find out if Phil was being released.  The feeling nagged at me for several days. 

As a single parent and alone in my home with my children, I assumed that I would be afraid to be without a protector in my home and fearful of being alone, especially at night.  But that was not the case.  The realization that the “protector” husband and father in my home was in actuality the “monster” that would hurt us, I felt safe now that he was gone.  During those years of Phil’s incarceration, I felt an extra measure of help and protection from a higher power, and knew that my little family was being watched over.  In my prayers I asked that a “bubble” like protection would surround my home – I visualized my little home in a huge “spiritual bubble” that looked a lot like a bubble you would blow from a child’s bubble wand.  Unlike a bubble that would pop, this bubble was strong, impenetrable by any evil spirits that may be lurking around, or by any earthly physical persons that might seek a place to cause harm.  I felt protected and was never afraid. 

Until one night.  It was during the time I was having that nagging feeling that I should call and find out what Phil’s current situation was.  Every night (as parents do) I would go around my home, close the window blinds and check the doors to make sure that they were locked.  It was a Wednesday night, and on this night as I opened front door to check and make sure all was well at the front of my home, I had the distinct impression that someone was watching my house.  I didn’t see anyone, but a feeling of darkness came into my heart and I felt afraid.  I closed and locked the door and said an earnest prayer of protection for that night. 

Two days later on Friday afternoon, I finally made that phone call the spirit had been urging me to make.  The officer I spoke with told me that Phil had in fact been released from prison that very week on Tuesday, just four days before.  I didn’t know where Phil was living now or what he would be doing with his time, but I feel strongly that it was him who was watching my house that Wednesday night.  I was living in the same home we had lived in, and thought that he probably knew I was still living there.  Many times the spirit would guide me or warn me of things in my life for me and my children, and I know that night was a warning voice from the spirit of the Lord. 

After Phil’s release from prison, I found out through friends that he had taken on a male companion, for which I was grateful.  I hoped that having an adult companion would keep him away from children.  As time went on, I was able to piece together additional things that happened during Phil’s release and parole.  Thankfully, he did not try to contact me or my family.  I found out that he had toured through Europe twice with a group that included children and lied to his parole officer that he had not been around children.  The first time he toured, he asked permission from his parole officer to tour, promising that children would not be with the tour group.  While watching the news one night when the tour group was leaving for Europe, Phil’s parole officer saw a news story showing the group heading to Europe, many children included in the group.  That was one lie.  Later he toured in Europe again, this time he didn’t ask permission to leave the country.  When questioned later by the authorities about this incident and why he left the country without his parole officers’ knowledge, Phil remarked that he didn’t ask permission because he was afraid he wouldn’t be allowed to go.  While on these tours, Phil did spend personal time with children, once again breaking the stipulations of his parole. 

Phil had made friends on this tour, and a kind man we will call Doug had taken Phil under his wing.  He extended Christian friendship to Phil and though he knew that Phil had served prison time, he did not know the reason for the prison term.   Unfortunately Phil had the same characteristics that pedophiles use.  Phil would be friendly, kind and engaging with people which would earn him the trust of other adults.  He would seek out families with children and give the children extra attention, connecting with them on their level and providing activities they would enjoy together.  Once he knew that he was trusted by the parents and their children, he took advantage, creating situations where he could be alone with the children.  Phil used his friendship with Doug  to abuse his two young sons right in their own home.  Not knowing at first that this abuse was happening to his children, Doug began to be curious about the reason for Phil’s prison term and started asking questions to other associates in the group.  Some of them knew why Phil had been in prison, and Doug found out through them.  I’ve wondered what went through this man’s mind when he learned the truth.  I’m sure he felt sick as he “connected the dots”, recalling the “alone time” that Phil had with his children.  Doug did some searching and found out who Phil’s parole officer was.  Doug called the officer and told him that Phil had spent time in his home often and had been in the company of Doug’s children.  Doug and the parole officer then set up a “sting” to catch Phil breaking his parole, that of simply being near children.  When Phil was visiting one night at Doug’s home, the parole officer showed up and took Phil into custody. 

After this incident, another hearing was held, and Phil was found guilty of abusing Doug’s two children.  Phil was sent back to prison, this time for a minimum of 12 years before he could have another parole board hearing.  Learning of Doug’s story was another blow to me and I felt great sadness for these newly abused children.  I also felt relief that Phil was returning to prison to pay for his newly committed crimes.  Knowing he would be incarcerated once again made me grateful for two things.  One, that Phil would be off the street, unable to hurt any other children or infringe upon the lives of my children and loved ones.  And two, that I wouldn’t have to worry for a long time if I would see him or run into him again.   Even though my life still felt like I was standing in a barren field of weeds, those two things caused more hope to grow in my heart and made me feel that my family’s life could start to bloom again even in the weeds.

I found myself in a position I never imagined I would be in, that of a single parent.  I had never wanted anything more than to be a mother and a wife and have a family of my own. The very thing that was most important to me had been taken away and the children I spent my life serving, loving and cherishing had been harmed by the person that we should have been able to trust the very most.  I worried that my children’s eternal happiness was at stake.  How would the abuse and the loss of a father change them?  Would they grow up happy and emotionally healthy?  Would they ever be able to trust others? 

The reality of being a single parent began to sink in.  I was alone, left to raise my children by myself.  I now carried the full responsibility of being mother and father to my children.  There were challenges one would expect from the situation of single parenthood.  Single parents are trying to “do it all”- to make a living, cook, clean, wash, care for and nurture.  It was physically and mentally challenging  to juggle schedules, working outside the home while caring for the children, take care of the bills, keep up a home and yard, etc., etc. etc.  All of these were huge tasks, each having their own level of difficulty when trying to do it alone.  It was so overwhelming! Yet I was blessed to have supportive parents and family, without whom I’m sure I would not have survived.  My parents helped me so much.  My father would help me with yard work and car repairs, my mother with caring for the children when I needed a sitter and other things too numerous to mention.  They were supportive beyond measure.  At the end of the day the fact still remained that I was the only parent left for my children.

In the beginning of a life changing event, no one knows exactly what will happen or how they will feel later on.  My heart ached for what had been lost, a husband for me, a father for my children, the nucleus of what a family looked like in my mind.  I could not consider Phil a father to my children any longer, because he would not be there for them or for me ever again.  Not as a protector, a provider, a teacher, a partner and more importantly as the father of our family.  Phil was actually someone we needed protection from.  He would not be there to love us, but then I’m not sure he had ever known how to really love. 

There would be many rough days ahead and nights of sadness, feeling so alone.  This new kind of loneliness was interesting to me.  I realized that I had often been lonely being married to Phil.  There were fleeting moments where I felt that he and I were truly partners in our marriage, but I began to recognize that he had been rather aloof with me and the children.  Prior to the truth coming forward, for a couple of years he had avoided making real heart felt connections with any of us most of the time.  He would joke around and laugh things off, but the real depth of a true, sincere relationship was not there. The link from father to children and husband to wife hadn’t been a full bond between him and the rest of us.  I realized that he had been distancing himself from all of us for quite a long time. 

It was emotionally painful for me to see other families that were “complete” in my eyes.  I wanted a companion that wanted to be with me, share our lives and grow old together.  I wanted someone to enjoy raising the children as we watched them grow up and feel delight together in their lives.  I needed and longed for help and support with the duties and responsibilities of raising a family.  There were many years ahead, yearning for companionship and real love. 

Due to this turn of events, I had to accept that as a mother I wouldn’t be able to do the kinds of things I had dreamed about.  There was much pain associated with the fact that I wasn’t able to fully choose what I wanted to do as a mom.  My desire to be involved in my children’s schools, to serve in the PTA, to volunteer in the classroom and school activities to support my children could not and would not happen.  I had always wanted to go on field trips, plan class holiday parties and be at home when my children came home from school.  I wanted to give them undivided attention when they got home from school and help them with homework, take them to lessons and be there to talk about their day.  I did help them with homework and there were some lessons, but I was not able to be fully available to them as I had dreamed.  And there were many late nights of washing clothes, cleaning and keeping up just to continue on the next day.  It was never my desire to work outside the home. 

Just because I never wanted to have a job and work outside the home, my intent is not to make judgments here or negative statements about working moms, single or married.  I know they do double duty and their plates are so full!  Some mothers work because they have to, and some work because they want to.  That is a very personal decision that is made by families for many different reasons.  I respect their choices for them and their families.  Had grown up with a “stay at home” mom, and it had been my dream to do the same.  Sometimes dreams have to change.  We learn and grow from changing our dreams.

Sometimes religious leaders don’t exactly know how to relate to or deal with single mothers.  I don’t blame anyone for this, I think it’s just that they aren’t sure how to talk to a woman who has total responsibility for her family and does not have a spouse.  It may be equally as hard for single fathers, but I can’t speak for that.   Most of my leaders were very supportive.  Others didn’t know what to say to me.  It was not my intention to ever be in this position, but it had been forced upon me.  I found that while other families received important communications about various things going on in the neighborhood or in the congregation, I was unaware of things that would have been important for me to have known. 

I fully support and sustain the family unit as I believe God intended it to be.  I believe mothers and fathers should lead a family together.  Both parents have a vital role to play in the support, love and nurturing of a child.  I wanted that full family unit for myself.  I know things have changed in the last 30 years and single parents are widely accepted now, but at the time it was hard to be single in a church where most people are married.  There were times that church members didn’t know what to say to me or how to interact with me.  Some were welcoming, others were distant.  (What do you say to someone who has just found out their husband is a liar, cheat and pedophile?)  Somehow it is easier to show compassion and relate to a person that has lost a loved one to a death.  But I had lost a loved one to sin, to indescribable evil and wickedness.  He was still alive, but his soul had been sold to Satan and he wasn’t coming back.  Not back to me as a husband, not to his children as a father, not to his parents as a present son or any of his siblings as a beloved brother.  I did not fit the mold of what a regular family looked like.  And then I had to deal with the stigma of an ex-husband that had gone to prison.  People just didn’t know what to say to me, so most of the time they said nothing.  I don’t blame them, because I know they were uncomfortable with the situation.  But if I could give one word of advice to people, Christians or not, about how to interact with people that are going through a hard time, I would ask them to please just reach out and let those people know that you care.  That’s all… just simply let them know that you’re thinking about them, hoping the best for them and that you do care about them.  That kindness would go a long way when someone feels that they no longer “fit in”. 

I had to shed the insecurities of not fitting in, because the more I perceived that I didn’t fit in, the more it became my reality.  I felt like I didn’t fit in for so long and I guess in a way I didn’t.  But then the thought came…what is our idea of “fitting in”?  Fitting into what?  We want to be welcomed and have friends, connect with others.  But I found I was happier by just being myself, by trying to be the person that God created me to be.  I don’t think I am the only one who has had this problem – many people feel insecure about who they are for various reasons.  Trying to fit into someone’s mold of who we “should” be is exhausting and unproductive.  Trying to fit into the world’s ideas of what makes a “real woman” is off the mark of what God would want for us. We don’t need to try and be like someone else or look like someone else, thinking that will make us more acceptable.  I found that God loved me for who I was – Sophia Lance was good enough for him!  If I was acceptable to Heavenly Father then it didn’t matter if I was acceptable to anyone else.  My caution to others is this:  don’t be taken in by what the world thinks you should be, especially when you’re going through trials.  You will feel like a misfit, maybe unworthy or unloved – Satan will make sure of that.  Don’t take anyone else’s opinion of you or assume that people are thinking bad things about you (though in their lack of understanding they might be thinking ill of you).  Turn to God and ask Him if He loves you.  The answer will astound and comfort you.  You will find that God loves YOU.  Be grateful for the child of God that you are!  He doesn’t want us to be something that we aren’t.  He wants us to be His child and He wants us to be the best person we can be, no matter what our circumstance.  The “best person we can be” will change from time to time as we progress and grow each day, learning, improving, making mistakes and then trying again.  We don’t have to be perfect in order for God to love us.  He loves us unconditionally. 

If we think of the important people in history that made a difference in the world (I’m not talking about movie stars, political figures or famous athletes), the people that made discoveries or advances in civilization that changed our lives, they were often people that “didn’t fit in” the mainstream.  They were inventive, creative and didn’t always follow “the norm”.  They used their God given gifts and talents to bless the world but were often thought of as misfits. 

As a single parent, I also discovered that I had to look for ways to be included.  I had to reach out and join in, even if it felt awkward sometimes.  Many  times I would become offended by something that someone said, and I would take things personally that weren’t really directed at me.  In my pain, I was a bit too sensitive, and I had to stop myself and look for the upside of things in people’s comments and in uncomfortable situations.  I had to let the Lord inspire me about how I could feel comfortable.  In prayer I would ask that He would help me to feel at peace in areas where I was uneasy. 

I also learned another valuable lesson – not to judge others.  As I looked around at friends and church members, even people outside my circle, I knew they really didn’t know what I had been through.  I couldn’t expect them to.  If they had no true idea of what I had been through, how could I look around and judge others, not knowing their life experiences and what their trials were?  I knew that I did not want to be judged for what was happening to me and my children, so I determined that I would not judge.  I would have compassion for others rather than waste my time thinking ill of them or blaming them for their behaviors.  I learned that the Lord truly is my Shepherd and His presence in my life will fill me enough. 

In the days of my life before the beginning of this trial, I would never have considered getting a divorce as a part of my life.  That was unthinkable, not a choice I would ever make.  If my marriage came on hard times, we would do what it took towork it out.  I took this marriage seriously, and I treasured my husband and family.  But then again, this situation was a little more serious than the regular description of “hard times”, and I had a decision to make. 

Though my husband had certainly broken his marriage covenants to me and the promise he made to be a good and loving father, I was concerned about breaking my marriage covenants.  Some might say that divorce was just “a given” in this case and I had every reason to leave the marriage behind.  It should be over and done.  For everyone else it would be a “no questions asked” situation and it would have been fine and acceptable for me to get a divorce. In fact I should do it NOW, quickly, and get it done as soon as possible.  But I wanted my answer to come from the Lord.  I knew that if my answer was from the Lord, I would never have to wonder if I had done the right thing or question my decision.  Though Phil had tried to convince me that everything would be OK and our little family would be fine in  years to come, I knew that was a lie.  I wasn’t clueless about the serious nature of what Phil had done and it wasn’t as though I thought that we could start over, or even that I wanted to start over with him and keep my family in tact as I knew it.  I had dismissed his efforts to manipulate me into believing him about anything any longer.  But I needed the answer to be mine, so I prayed earnestly to know whether or not I should divorce Phil.  Looking back, it seems absurd to me that I just didn’t make a decision about the marriage outright as the answer is so obvious to me now.  Yet at that time my choice to include God in my life regarding this decision proved to be a catalyst for my relationship with God in the future, a relationship that I needed and treasure every day.

The answer to my prayer came to me more powerfully than any other answer to prayer in my life.  I knew I must divorce Phil.  The answer was a relief and I could end this relationship that had never been what I thought it had been.  God knew about Phil’s depraved choices, and He wanted me and my children away from Phil permanently.  I can’t imagine how depressing my life would have been if I had remained married to Phil – the worry, the fear, the creepy feelings would have always remained.  I never could have trusted Phil again, and I loved my children too much to ever put them at risk again.  It makes me sick to think of it.   

There were new realities I must face.  Though divorcing was the right choice, there were also new fears and unknowns I would have to accept and work through.  There were concerns about my financial security – that was one fear, yet financial security was going to be gone anyway because it seemed inevitable that Phil would be going to prison.  Financial worries could never be a consideration to hold me in the relationship.  The fear of being alone would be my reality whether I stayed in the relationship or whether I left.  He would be gone for a long time.  The fear of not having a father for my children was sad to me, but he was not and could never be the kind of father I wanted for my children.  The fear of being looked at in a different way…being a single, divorced mom and wondering how I would fit into the world, my community and church congregation.  Single parenthood was not as common then as it is now, so I would be in the minority in my community.  Maybe that shouldn’t have felt uncomfortable, but it was.  The fear of not having someone to love me and my children – this was the most painful of all, but I began to understand that pedophiles don’t have the same kind of feelings of love that other members of the human race have.  They are consumed by their need to control and have control over another human being.  Real love as I know love isn’t a part of their actions or what they feel, so my fear of not being loved was already my reality. 

I began to understand more about Phil’s psyche.  He liked making friends and being accepted, but his capacity to care and feel love were impaired by his inner monsters.   He was good at acting as if he was an honorable part of the community, but I doubt he ever understood what real love is.  His perceptions of love were definitely marred by immoral thoughts and eventually actions.  I think he had visions of grandeur and started picturing himself as someone who could do whatever he pleased without any penalty or repercussions.  He thought people would love him and admire him, and he could get away with whatever behavior he chose.  He would never be caught because he was too clever.  The counseling I received helped me to understand that Phil unfortunately fit in the category of narcissism, one who thinks more of himself than others.  The dictionary describes narcissism as “inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love.”  He was now classified as a pedophile, that was a stark truth to deal with.  He knew he had a weakness and had a sexually deviant nature toward children, and he was trying to make sure that his life looked as normal as possible, and looked good in the eyes of others.  I believe that marrying me was for convenience and to make a show of normalcy.  Having children would further that deception.  Love didn’t enter into the equation. 

Divorce is difficult under any circumstance.  After my divorce was final, I thought I would have the desire to encourage others to do the same, to leave their bad marriages behind for whatever reason.  But I didn’t feel that way at all.  I found myself wishing that couples could work out their differences and be happily married.  The truth is that sometimes that just doesn’t work, and divorce must happen in order for people to begin again.  I believe that God wants us to give our marriages the best we have.  If things happen and the marriage ends, I think God wants us to pick ourselves up and find happiness and blessings wherever we can.  It takes courage to end a life’s dream and create a new one.  It takes faith to look up and see hope beyond the obstacles of our “nows”.

It was the darkest time of my life.  For the first time I was personally experiencing what evil really was and what it does to destroy lives.  When someone brings darkness into your life it’s so hard to see the light that is waiting to help you. 

In my mind, sexual abuse had always been one of the worst things that could happen to a person.  I don’t know why I thought it would be the worst thing over a myriad of many awful things that could happen in a person’s life.  I had never experienced abuse in my childhood.  I had been raised in a home where things like this did not happen.  Like all families, mine was not perfect, but my parents loved each other and they loved their children.  They were good people who were active in the community and strong in their church, committed to living the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I was taught right from wrong and was encouraged to live a good life, to be honest and kind to others and have compassion for everyone.  I was taught to be respectful and to love my family and other people.  It was a happy home filled with love.  It was not an abusive home, and I had no comprehension of such behavior and how such a dark thing would feel. 

There hadn’t been much talk in the media about sexual abuse up to this point, but there is no doubt that it been a serious problem for hundreds of years.  Though it had been going on for a very long time, I think no one had dared address the problem publicly.  But the subject of child sexual abuse was slowly beginning to emerge in television and in the media. People were beginning to open up and discuss their experiences and the devastating affects it had on their lives.  It still wasn’t in the mainstream, but it was in the beginning stages of awareness.  I don’t know why abuse had been in my thoughts, other than I think I was being prepared to deal with it. 

One night a few weeks before my “hell day”, Phil had been working late.  After getting the children in bed, I was tired and sat down to watch some T.V., not a common activity for me with two little children to take care of.  When Phil arrived home, I had been watching a detective show.  The subject of the show was about child sex abuse.  In the story line the detectives were trying to solve the case, and find out who was responsible for sexually abusing a child.  This subject matter made me feel so uncomfortable and was very troubling to me, but for some odd reason it was riveting to watch this story unfold.  Phil’s arrival came at the very end of the show.  He walked in the door, saw that I was upset and asked me if I had been crying to which I replied, “Yes”.  I explained to him what the show had been about and that I was crying because it was so upsetting to me.  I was sitting on the couch as I explained my feelings and he remained standing.  When I finished telling him about it, he just stood there staring at me for a minute, didn’t say a word and walked out of the room.  I had an odd feeling about his lack of response to me, but I couldn’t imagine why he wouldn’t say anything.   I didn’t realize it then, but Phil was guilty of doing the same thing I was watching on TV, and he was already past feeling any emotions that would admit that what he was doing to children was wrong.

Time after time I have asked myself, “why didn’t I see this coming?”  I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen the signs of his dis-function or of the abuse.  Now they are glaringly obvious to me, but they hadn’t been apparent to me before.  I wanted to know what was wrong with me and why I hadn’t seen the signs that would have caused more suspicion, so one day in a counseling session I asked my psychologist to give me a “personality test”.  I wanted to understand the flaw in myself that allowed me to be so stupid about it all.  He said that it really wasn’t necessary, but I insisted on it, so he administered a test.  At my following counseling session I asked Mark, “OK – tell me what the test said.  Tell me what is wrong with me.”  He smiled kindly and said, “Sophia, nothing is wrong with you.  The test showed nothing.”  We talked further and concluded that I wouldn’t have known about what was going on because I was naïve to the signs of sexual abuse.  It was unfamiliar territory to me.  I also had to realize that Phil was a master of manipulation and deceit.  He knew how to cover his indiscretions.  My counselor told me that he had met and worked with other pedophiles and criminals who had done horrendous crimes, and it was his opinion that Phil was one of the most manipulative people he had come in contact with.  In a way that made me feel better that I had been duped, but it also made me feel worse. 

There were signs of Phil’s problems that I didn’t recognize, and at first I blamed myself for them.  I often felt rejected by Phil.  At times he made me feel that I was not lovable, unattractive and just plain unworthy of being loved.  I thought that if I had been just a bit prettier, a bit smarter, more of what he needed me to be then he wouldn’t have done this appalling thing.  I know now that this train of thought was wrong, but for a while it was very real to me.  I took personal responsibility and blamed myself for something that wasn’t my fault even though I honestly had no idea what behaviors Phil was participating in.  Through the years I still occasionally blamed myself for what happened.  I didn’t blame myself because I had known that Phil was abusing or what was going on, and I never would have approved of or encouraged his abusive behavior.  But I blamed myself because I made the decision to marry Phil in the first place.  If I hadn’t married him, none of this would have happened.  Children close to me wouldn’t have been hurt, people’s lives wouldn’t have been damaged if I just hadn’t married him, so I blamed myself.  I was experiencing my worst fear and I blamed myself that it came into my life.  But I also know that the adversary had a part in what I felt.  Satan continued to try and make me doubt myself no matter what course of action I took.  He would love it if I would continually blame myself and focus on it being my fault rather than where the blame really belonged – on Phil and his choices. 

The Lord has comforted me and reminded me that though I have not been perfect in my life, my desire has always been to follow the Lord.  I am trying to live the kind of life that God would want me to live.  After some time of healing, I know that none of this was my fault, but at times it felt that way.

It was necessary for Phil to move out of our home.   He would stay with his parents for a time while charges were filed against him and court proceedings took place.  But on the day he had been found he went to sleep at our home that night.  The next day he’d gather his things and make the move final.  Even though I was staying at my parents’ home, I went to see him that evening to talk with him before he moved out.  Restrictions were that he would not be allowed around the children, so I left them with my parents’ while I went to talk with Phil.  As we spoke, the conversation was strained.  I wanted him to tell me about the problems he was experiencing and I needed some explanation as to why he would do these things.  Our conversation did not satisfy my need to understand.  He told me that he’d had this problem for a long time and hadn’t acted upon it for years, but he couldn’t stop himself any longer and had given in to his desires.  I reflected back to one night several months before when Phil was having a bad dream.  He had cried out in his sleep in a fit of terror.  I shook him to make him wake up and asked why he was screaming and thrashing around.  He told me a huge bear had been chasing him in his dream and the bear attacked as he was trying to get away from it.  As our conversation continued, I felt certain that dream and the huge bear were a manifestation of his addiction to sexual perversions, and it was chasing him now.  I don’t think he wanted to have this challenge, but for some unknown reason it was his.  By giving into it and acting out his sick fantasies, he had sealed his own fate.  Instead of getting professional help to combat the beast inside him, he had surrendered to it and now it had become his downfall. 

During our conversation I felt weak and sick inside.  I left the room for a few minutes, and on my way back down the hall I collapsed, due to the stress of the situation.  The whole subject felt so oppressive and heavy to me and I just couldn’t hold myself up any longer.  As I laid there on the floor I was in a sort of daze and I called out to Phil for help, but he could not hear me – I think he didn’t want to hear me.  He was so self-absorbed in his own fears and pain.  He seemed to have no regard for mine. 

Our ecclesiastical leader came to the house that same night.  He offered comforting words and kindness as he spoke with Phil and I.  His visit was interesting, and I learned something that night I had not expected to learn.  This kind man said a powerful prayer.  He prayed for me, for the children and for Phil.  During that prayer there was an overwhelming feeling of love in the room.  I felt Heavenly Father’s love for me, but I also felt an almost palpable feeling of the Saviors’ love for Phil, too.  I was a bit surprised at this idea.  But I knew at that moment that in spite of what Phil had done, the Lord loved him.  Through all the pain that followed as the weeks and years went on, I would never be able to deny the love that I knew the Lord had for Phil because of what I had felt. 

I learned a powerful lesson that night – Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love everyone on this earth.  I had always believed that, but living with this new-found loathing for what Phil had done, it was hard for me to believe that people committing crimes against others could still be loved by Heavenly Father.  I’d never had to face this idea so personally, and I was shocked that I could accept this truth now.  Every human being is a child of Heavenly Father – He is our loving Father who loves us unconditionally.  And our dear brother Jesus atoned and suffered for each of us, no matter what we have done. They sincerely and deeply love every man, woman and child on this earth.  I may not have been able to love Phil any longer, but God could.

This was the last night that I would see Phil for a very long time.

My dear minister continued to be a friend, a mentor and a teacher to me and my children for many years to come.  He often gave me wise counsel.  He blessed my life in many ways and gave me hope for the future – I felt his love and support for my family at this time of great need, and as my children continued to grow.  He would bless our lives in numerous ways for over 25 years.  I will always love this dear man for his compassion.

As the days went on I started thinking about how life might be now and how it had changed.  I began to worry about the embarrassment this would cause, and the embarrassment for my children that would certainly follow.   Did everyone know?  What did people know?  Could I go to church and hold my head up?  How would my children be treated by others?  What were people saying about me?  Some rumors of what had been said among the neighborhood got back to me.  Some people had assumed that I had been the victim of physical abuse, which made me angry.  If the abuse had been that blatant, I wouldn’t have stayed in the relationship – didn’t they know that?  I knew people were talking, and I didn’t like being the subject of discussion, especially that kind of discussion.

For several weeks I stayed in the warmth and comfort of my parents’ home.  I made an appointment to see the counselor my sister had summoned, Mark Rogers.  He would prove to be a source of healing and comfort for me and my family members.  

I didn’t see many friends during this time as it was too painful to be out among others as they lived their regular lives – mine was anything but regular now.  One day a friend of mine showed up at my parent’s door.  She said she hadn’t seen me lately and had a feeling she should come and see if I was OK.  I think that she had probably heard something about what had happened.  She asked if I would go for a ride with her, so we rode and talked.  After a while we parked the car and continued our conversation.  She never really asked me what had happened, she just let me talk.  In a way I was relieved that someone was interested in my welfare, with no judgment on her part.   I opened up and told her what had happened, and she just sat and listened to me.  I know I cried, and she cried with me.  I don’t remember all that was said, but I do remember telling her that I couldn’t believe that I was still alive.  I didn’t know a person could experience so much emotional pain and still be physically living.  But I did know that after feeling the pain I had felt, I received a profound change in my appreciation for what our Savior, what my Savior had suffered for all of us while in Gethsemane.  My pains at this time felt immense, and I knew that Christ had felt my pains from this experience in addition to the pains of everyone that has ever lived on this earth as He prayed in that garden.  If my pains were only a small, minute portion of what He felt as He bled from every pore, then I knew His suffering was beyond anything that I had the ability to understand.  My love and devotion to Christ had grown exponentially.  This was a personal and real understanding of what the Atonement truly meant, for all of us personally.  I was connected to Christ in a way that I had never been connected before.  My reverence and devotion for Jesus Christ from that point on was unwavering. Through tears I expressed to my friend my amazement for Christ’s sufferings. 

A few weeks later my friend and her husband, along with my sweet minister came to my home and pronounced a blessing upon it.  As the four of us knelt in a circle in the middle of my living room, they blessed my family and my home, dedicating it to the Lord and asking that the dark spirits that followed the adversary leave my home.  Through his behavior, Phil had invited many dark spirits into our home.  Now their darkness was being commanded to leave.  In the future those dark spirits would try to sneak back in where they had taken residence before, and I would pray them away many times and invite the light of Christ to take their place. 

I talked to Phil just a few times over the next few months.   In the note he had left for me on that first and terrible day, he said that there would be hard times ahead, that our family could work through this and we would still be a family.  I think Phil honestly believed that I could welcome him back into our lives with open arms.  As we spoke he counseled me about our finances, my finances now, and where I should spend the money he had saved.  This became laughable to me.  I was going to be a single parent and every bit of any money that had been saved would go to keep my children and I afloat.  There would be no more saving for a long time, no frivolous spending.  I would learn to be more frugal and I would have to get a job working outside the home to make ends meet.  His words felt empty to me and I was becoming more distanced from this man I really did not know. 

I didn’t know yet, but the road ahead would be long.