When we hear the word “trial”, the emotion that accompanies it is usually negative. Trials are difficult and unwelcomed. We don’t willingly invite them into our lives. Whatever the trial may be, trials often bring grief, sadness and hopelessness into our heart and soul. We are never the same after a trial. We are not meant to be the same after a trial.
Whether our trials are short lived, last a long time or even continue for a life time, I believe they are meant to help us and teach us. When you are going through a trial, it certainly doesn’t feel that way, but a trial will either teach us or destroy us. I did not want my trial destroy me, my children or my family. So I chose to be taught.
As this trial began, I was in shock, despondent and unable to function. It was not just my trial. It had hurt many others in so many ways – my children, the children of people I loved and the adults that loved them. The things that happened to these children were so terrible. I will always weep for the evil that they experienced. Yet in the devastation I felt from all that had happened, I looked for ways to heal. I longed to heal, and I yearned for all the children to be healed that Phil had hurt. I began reading books that would help me find answers and understand what I could learn from my trial, and the valuable lessons resulting from my trials that could make a difference in my life.
Trials have a tendency to make you feel worthless. They can make you feel unloved and of no value. We may feel abandoned by God because we have a trial, but I think we misinterpret our trials and the reasons for them. In the many inspirational books that I read during this time, a message kept recurring that lifted my spirits and helped me feel like I was valued by the Lord. The message was this: God tutors those whom He loves. We are being blessed by being tested, because He trusts us enough to make the choices that will turn our hearts and minds to Him, and in the painful processes we become His dedicated sons and daughters. His love for us cannot be matched, not anywhere on this earth and He will never stop loving us. These statements may be hard for us to process, but I feel that they are true. This understanding helped me so much, because I knew that He loved me enough to teach me.
In my counseling sessions, Mark would use his wealth of earthly knowledge to teach me about the psychological effects of abuse. But his teaching became much more as he added gospel principles to his counsel. I came to understand the impact of what had happened to my children, and what had happened to me. I understood things better from a professional point of view, but he also taught me how to make sense of all of it by using the gospel. He shared gospel insights and personal spiritual experiences that helped me to understand and process my trial. Both Mark and the inspirational books I read were pivotal in helping me begin my path to healing. I would like to share their insights that became my understanding.
I understand that my trial was not meant as a punishment, but an experience I was allowed to have to teach me and to help turn me towards my Heavenly Father. It gave me the desire to know what God would have me do in my life. As mortal beings, I don’t think we can learn the great lessons in life without experiencing some tough things. We can go along in life and be happy or sad, but to progress and learn we must go through trials. We must actually go through the pain – mentally, emotionally and spiritually to understand the deep and abiding importance of things in both life and eternity. How can we learn if we’re not faced with having to learn? We can certainly learn many things without experiencing everything, but in order for the learning to sink deep into our hearts and souls, we must experience trials firsthand. We can’t have a deep understanding of the purposes of life unless we have to go through something hard. Physical and emotional pain teaches us things that go deep into our hearts. It can make us into something better than we are.
Our individual trials can teach us what we individually need to know. It will be different for everyone, and no two trials may be the same, but the Lord desires that we learn from our trials. We came to earth to learn, to progress and grow. We came to learn wisdom, which is most often learned by going through a trial. In the scriptures we are taught that our trials refine us. In Webster’s Dictionary, the word “refine” means: “1. To bring, to come to a pure state; purify.” A Bible Dictionary describes a “Refiner” as, “A man who separates the precious metals from the dross with which in nature they are usually found mixed. Part of the process consists in the application of great heat, in order to bring the mass into a fluid state, hence the term ‘refiner’s fire’”. Isn’t it interesting that precious metals and dross are mixed in nature? We need a “refiner” to help us separate those two things in ourselves, someone that can bring us to a precious and pure state that we are meant to be, and pull the dross away. In that refining process, our trials feel like “heat”, making us uncomfortable and seeking for refuge in the cool of the day. The end of the Bible Dictionary description states, “Christ is the great Refiner.” Christ is the only one that can bring us out of the heat and into the calm and cool of his presence.
It is not a question whether or not the refining process is needed for each one of us, it is imperative. The Lord knows it’s essential and wants us to be refined, and desires that we are purified through the refining process. This can only happen with the application of great heat, great trials in our lives that teach us, change us and expand our knowledge and understanding. The refinement we experience is a cleansing of our souls. We are cleansed through the fires of adversity so that we can enter into a higher realm of understanding and be acceptable to dwell in the presence of God. It is a necessary step in our progression towards Him.
There are some very specific lessons that came for me as a result of my trial, my refiner’s fire. I see these things as gifts that changed the way I understand life, and learning them made my refiners fire worth the heat. My gifts were not physical gifts, but spiritually tangible gifts that changed my soul.
- I learned how to be kinder, how to be more sensitive to others feelings and needs.
- I learned that I shouldn’t judge others, because we never really know what someone else is feeling or fully understand the things they have gone through. I thought my experiences would make me judgmental of people who make choices that damage their lives, but it actually had the opposite effect. I learned compassion for others pain and for their unique situations in life.
- I learned to stop and listen and care more about what other people are going through. I learned to look beyond what they are saying and see what their hearts are trying to express.
- I learned how to stand strong in the face of adversity. I learned that it’s ok and necessary to stand up for what is right and true, and we should not allow ourselves be taken advantage of.
- I learned that I didn’t need to be manipulated by someone in order to be kind to them. We may think that “keeping the peace” is more important than dis-harmony, but allowing manipulation to remain ultimately causes more contention and heartache.
- I learned to be genuinely happy for others’ successes and good fortune, even when it appeared that my own didn’t measure up.
- I learned not to compare myself to others, because it was just a trap for self-doubt and depression, messages sent from the adversary.
- I learned how to love others that may be difficult to love, and show forth more love.
- I learned that I could have joy and happiness even when I was going through a trial, if I continued to turn to my Father in Heaven in prayer and concentrate on gratitude for what I did have.
- I learned that the Lord knows me and knows all his children personally and perfectly. I had always been taught that the Lord loves all His children, but now, when I was begging for His guidance and help, I KNEW of His love for me. I understood that He heard me specifically and knew me well. I felt His concern and abiding love for me. I know He still hears me and my present concerns.
- I learned that His love is the same for all.
- I learned without a doubt in my mind that my Father in Heaven is real, that Jesus Christ is His Son and I am a part of them. They are always with us.
Though I have gained understanding of all these things and many more, I am still not perfect in the application of my knowledge. But I am trying to live up to all that I have learned through my trial.
I have often asked myself this question… would I have ever learned all these things so deeply, so personally without the trial? My answer… I don’t think so. And what if I had chosen not to learn from these trials? What if I had just given up and given in to the darkness and Satan’s influence? Where would I be, how would I be living, and what would have become of my children? The answers to those questions seem rather ominous and dark.
In the midst of a trial it may be a natural desire to pray our trials away. I think that the more important thing to pray about is how to get through our trials. They are there for us to learn from. None of us wants to struggle through life because the struggle makes us feel like we are not succeeding in life. Struggling doesn’t have to be a negative thing if we are learning through it. It teaches us to be strong. We can struggle through something and still be succeeding.
I can’t say that I am totally grateful for this trial, because it hurt so many people. But I can say I’m so grateful for all that I have learned through this trial. I don’t know what my life would be without the knowledge that I have gained from having to go through it. I know I was given an opportunity, however difficult, to learn to know my Father in Heaven and my Savior in a whole new way. My life will never be the same, and I praise the Lord for that. Knowing what I know now about how sweet and how important the gospel and the Savior are in my life, I would have hated to miss the learning that my trial provided for me.
For me, I see the experiences of life as waves coming to shore, one experience after another. Sometimes the waves come in with such strength and crash fiercely, knocking us down. Sometimes they come in with medium strength and are felt, but we remain standing. Other times they come gently and leave a calming effect upon us. Whichever way, as the water recedes, the waves leave ripples in the sand that are stunning. There is form and beauty as the ripples leave their mark on the sand, just as our experiences leave their mark upon us. These marks can bring even more splendor to the overall beauty of our lives, and looking back we can see their remarkable influence in us.
I began writing these experiences down several years ago and since then I have had to deal with new trials in my life. New trials bring new healing that needs to take place. The same primary answers apply to my current trials as they did to my previous trials, and the pattern of turning to the Lord for my healing remains the same. The gospel contains all the necessary elements that we need in order to heal from whatever trial comes in our path. Each time a new trial presents itself, I have to reach upward to my Savior as I find myself sinking once again. And the ultimate lesson about experiencing trials is this… great and marvelous gifts result from great and terrible trials. Instead of becoming less because of my trials, I believe I have actually become more.