MILLSTONES & MIRACLES

When someone experiences emotional and mental pain through a difficult experience or through the loss of a relationship in any form, grief follows.  Grief is an important step that must be experienced in order to heal.  I’ve watched people think it’s a badge of honor to just continue on bravely with their lives after a loss, to push away the sadness and not admit that it is one of the hardest things they’ve ever had to do.  I’ve also seen people take their pain to new heights, only to watch that pain control their lives in a very negative way.  There are steps to grieving, and feeling grief over any type of loss is a step that must be taken and cannot be skipped.  Subsequent healing won’t happen unless all the steps of grief are experienced one by one. 

I remember the shock I felt when I learned about Phil’s abuse problem.  It was not real to me at first – I couldn’t wrap my brain around it.  Over and over again I denied what was happening.  This could not be happening to me!  And not to my children and people that I loved!  But the problem did not go away, and I had to wake up to the fact that I couldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened.  I had to deal with it.  When disaster comes into our lives, we all have to choose how we are going to deal with a life crisis.  At first I choose to sleep.  My waking hours were my nightmare, so I slept to get away from the nightmare of my new reality.  But when I woke up the elephant in the room was still there, and I had to find a way to cope. 

So I began my grieving.  I shed so many tears and felt so much pain. At one point I couldn’t understand how my physical body was still alive because my soul seemed to be dying.  How could I still be physically alive when I felt so much emotional pain?   Couldn’t this much emotional pain kill a person?  The despair, the hopelessness I felt was real, and I just wanted the pain to end.  I wished to die.  I knew that there was a loving Father in Heaven watching over me, and I wanted to go to Him.  At times I wished that someone would just commit me to a mental institution and let me stay there, pretending that my life wasn’t really my life. All I knew what that I just didn’t want to think about it anymore. 

But then my children would appear.  They would come to me as I cried and they would wrap their sweet little arms around me and try to console me.  They didn’t want me to cry.  They would tell me how much they loved me and touch my face and wipe my tears away.  The fact was that they had lost their father.  That wasn’t easy for them, and maybe their young minds couldn’t understand their own pain just yet.  But they comforted me in their sufferings and I wanted to live for them.  I knew that Phil could no longer be in their lives, and if I was to give in to the despair and die, what parent would they have left?  Children need a loving parent, even if it’s only one.  One loving parent is better than losing both.  So I choose to live, to grieve and try to get on with our lives.  I choose to live for them.  They saved my life very literally.

I also found that it was important for me to cry.  It was a relief in a way, and it actually felt good and healing to shed a few tears.  Tears are often expressions of emotional and mental pain.  Most people don’t want to be seen crying in front of other people – it’s embarrassing, maybe humiliating and some think it’s a weakness to feel so much emotion.  I began to let down those restrictive walls that are imposed upon our emotions, and I cried.  It wasn’t just the grief I felt over Phil’s choices that led me to cry, but I became much more emotional over many things.  When I attended church and was touched by someone speaking or a song, a message, it felt like I had gained a new kind of freedom to be able to weep in front of others.  I looked forward to the times when I could cry, unashamed and unencumbered and let my emotions flow freely without embarrassment of any kind.  Because it felt so healing to cry, I didn’t care what others were thinking of me and I began to think that is was sad when others held back their tender emotions.  It didn’t hurt anyone or anything to show that the spirit had touched my heart and then to express those feelings through my grateful tears.  Whoever said that men shouldn’t cry because it isn’t manly or that women shouldn’t cry because we have to keep our emotions in check?  Those are silly, old fashioned notions of what men and women are.  I believe that men and women alike are supposed to become like Christ, not stern or lacking in affection or feelings, but gentle, kind and meek.  Christ openly wept in front of others and showed forth beautiful, tender feelings toward all people.  If becoming like Christ is our goal, why are we sometimes so afraid to cry?

I think we are afraid because once we start crying, it may be difficult to stop.  We may lose all control over our emotions for a time.  That is what real grief does to us, and crying is an important step in the grieving process.  I wondered why it felt so good for me to cry at times?  So I did some research and found some important information about the good that crying does for us. 

First, tears help remove toxins from our bodies.  Toxins can build up in our bodies due to stress.  The tears that are released when we are in distress or experiencing grief are more toxic than the tears we may shed at other times.  Chemicals can build up in our bodies during stressful times, and so it’s actually healthy to cry and release those toxins from our bodies.  A natural emotional cleanse as it were.  Suppressing our tears can lead to an increase in stress levels, thus affecting our overall health and contributing to diseases that are affected by high levels of stress.  Tears can elevate your mood because it changes the levels of certain proteins in your body that can cause nervousness, fatigue and just unhappiness.  So crying can make you happier and balance your emotional state.  Tears help release oppressive feelings due to all kinds of things we experience, and help our bodies feel better.  Tears kill bacteria as they wash germs out of our bodies through our eyes, which helps to fight off infection.  Due to the wet nature of tears, their basic function is to help us see. It sounds like they not only help us see physically, but spiritually as well – washing away pain so that we can have a clear perspective to move forward.  And one more thing that I noticed that tears did for me…they connected me to others.  They broke down my old desires to hold back my emotions and allowed me to share my true feelings with others.  People who wanted to express heart felt feelings and hard life circumstances of their own came out of the woodwork to talk to me, and we would comfort and help one another.  We become more like Christ if we can break down the barriers that keep our emotions in a hardened state. Tears became a bonding experience between me and my family and friends.  I’d say that tears are a miracle, both physically and spiritually.    

There were other steps of grieving that I went through.  There was the guilt I felt for marrying Phil in the first place.  Maybe I hadn’t made the best choice to marry him, but because he was a master of deceit, he’d never given me cause to think that he could do such terrible things.  I felt guilty that I didn’t see his deception or the times he carefully planned things out so that he could be alone with children. I just didn’t know what was inside of him. I had to feel all that guilt of “not knowing” before I could let go of it. 

Then anger came along.  I was so angry at what he had done.  He had ruined my life, he had changed everything and I wanted God to punish him!  I can’t say that feeling anger feels very good – it was very unsettling to me and yet, I knew my anger was channeled in the right direction.  The decisions he made to abuse were his decisions, not mine.  I had every right to be angry at him and what he had done.  If there was any time in my life when my anger had a real purpose, this was it.  Though I didn’t want to remain in a place of anger in my heart all the time, I had to feel the anger and express it before I could let it go.  I wrote letters to Phil that were never sent.  I didn’t want to send them, afraid they would open a door that would start him communicating with me.  Those letters were still therapeutic for me as I wrote down my anger, sadness, frustration and grief.  It was a step that helped me to heal. 

From previous chapters you’ll know that depression set in for me.  Doubts about myself, my own worth, whether or not I wanted to live or die swirled around inside me.  Any time I saw good things happening to others, it made me feel depressed.  Why did it appear that other people’s lives so good and mine was in the sewer?  I wished to have their lives, not mine.  I wished to be taken from this earth and away from my troubles.  In many ways, life didn’t seem worth living for a long time.

As I was going through my divorce and the life that followed, my grief seemed to linger.  In an effort to heal, I chose to read scriptures and uplifting books written by people that I felt I could trust.  I needed words of wisdom and counsel that would help me understand what I was going through and how I could get beyond it.  My days were busy, filled with the usual struggles of parenting, (and single parenting),  trying to help my children heal, working outside the home, etc., so there wasn’t much time for me.  I would read late at night.  Like a famished child I would read and these good books were like manna to my aching soul.  I read things that gave me a deeper understanding about life’s trials and helped me connect with my Father in Heaven.   One of the great things I learned from my reading was the need to focus on my blessings and be thankful for all that I did still have.  Gratitude helped me change my focus from “oh, poor me” to, “look at all the amazing blessings that I have in my life!”  I may have lost the full family unit that I cherished, but I had my children, which were my greatest gifts.  I had been born into a family where the gospel was taught and lived – how many people in the world can say they have the gospel in their lives?  I had a place to live, food on the table, clothes to wear and a loving extended family that helped me survive.  And as I prayed and thanked my Father in Heaven for all that I did still have, I was blessed with an amazing amount of peace in a very un-peaceful time.  I couldn’t believe how much peace I felt – it didn’t make sense that I would feel so peaceful.

People often say that we need to count our blessings.  That is important, but it’s not the counting of them that really matters – it’s the focusing on our blessings that makes the difference.   If I was struggling and feeling sorry for myself, it dragged me down to a sad and hopeless place in my mind and my thoughts.  It was so easy to feel sorry for myself and I felt like I had every right to do so, but having the right didn’t make things “right”.  Focusing on the terrible things that had happened was tremendously oppressive.  If my mind reached outside that sad place, looking for and recognizing the blessings that were still in my life and all around me, I could climb out of my dark hole to a happy and appreciative state of mind.  It was amazing what I found to be grateful for, things that I hadn’t even considered blessings at previous times in my life.  Focusing on our blessings can change the dark and negative times in our lives to feelings of light, creating positive attitudes and thoughts.  It is a choice to be grateful.  I wanted to choose gratitude.

I love to sing.  Music can be healing and singing helped center my mind on more positive thoughts when I sang.  I believe singing can actually change thought patterns and give you deeper connections to ideas, people and God.   Good music becomes a part of who you are.  It was a blessing for me to sing, and it got me through some tough times. 

One song that had a profound effect on me was about a bird and the power they have because they can fly.  It reminded me of one day when I was watching a couple of beautiful birds outside my living room window as they flew back and forth from tree to tree in my yard.  When the little finches and robins landed on the strong branches, their weight didn’t have any effect on the movement of the branches.  But sometimes they perched themselves on the weakest of the branches.  The boughs bent deeply as the birds took their positions, and it appeared that the weak branches could barely hold their weight.  But the birds didn’t seem too concerned about the strength of the branches, because if the bough bent too much, they simply used their wings and flew away from the instability.  And sometimes they sang as they went.  Maybe they sing because they can fly.

I believe that we can be like those birds.  Our Heavenly Father gave us “wings” to fly – wings of love, of gratitude, of hope, looking to Christ to help us soar upward towards Him, even during the most trying situations in life.  We don’t have to fall to the ground when those ”boughs” or trials can’t hold the weight of what we are going through, because we have the ability to be thankful and mentally sing through the trials, flying above them on wings of hope and unnumbered blessings.

I’m not saying it was easy.  There were still endless times that I had to face the darkness of the situation I was in, but I didn’t want to remain in that darkness.  Gratitude pulled me away from the fully encompassing sadness I felt.  I saw that my cup truly “runneth over” with blessings.  Yes, I had lost my life’s dream of a happy marriage right now, but I could not lose me and the hope for my children.  I felt joy in my children, which made me to rejoice!  I could see an eternal perspective as I felt gratitude for my life.  It opened up my mind to possibilities because it made me feel hope.  Gratitude helps to put things in perspective and gives hope for the future.  The future with no hope is dismal.  Choose gratitude!  It will always help to heal the grief.

Old Testament, Psalms 23
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.  He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.  He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.  Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shallow of death, I will fear no evil: for though art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.  Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest me head with oil; my cup runneth over.  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” 

There are many references in scripture about broken hearts and contrite hearts.  Most of them have to do with repentance, making things right between us and God for the things we have done wrong.  We develop a broken heart because our behaviors have caused a distance to come between us and God, and that distance is painful.  In the dictionary “broken hearted” means “suffering from great sorrow or disappointment.”  The definition of a “contrite heart” is “feeling or expressing sorrow or regret.”  If we have a contrite heart it means that we are sorry when we have done something wrong and thereby become humble and teachable, ready to return to God and live a more righteous life. 

The words, “broken heart” brings a tangible image into our minds – we can picture what it feels like to have a broken heart.  It is probably something that we have all experienced in our lives in one form or another.  In the past when hearing the phrase, “broken heart”, I imagined that someone was penitent and having regret for something they’d done wrong.  I had read scriptures many times about broken hearts, but until my struggle was personal, I had never really understood that the scriptures’ meaning was literal, not just figurative.  I thought the scriptures were saying that we needed to have an attitude of humility; hearts open to hearing the word of the Lord and turning our hearts to Him.  That’s undoubtedly part of it, but for the first time in my life the idea of a broken heart became very real to me. 

I understand scriptures about broken hearts now in a very different way.  My heart had indeed been broken.  My husband was a criminal, my children and other children had been harmed, and it broke my heart!  Terrible, awful things had been done to them at his hand, and my heart had been wounded because they had been wounded.  I didn’t think my heart could ever feel any happiness or joy again.  I didn’t think any part of me would ever be whole again.  I felt imprisoned by this new truth that had entered my life.  And my heart had been broken by Phil’s behavior.

The truth is, I learned that broken hearts can be mended, even if it’s broken because something very sad has happened in our lives.  A broken heart can actually inspire us to turn to the Lord in times of trouble, because we are totally lost and don’t know what to do.  Christ wants us to receive His spirit with full heart, and often we must feel a broken heart before that can happen.  A broken heart, when accompanied by humility, turns into a contrite heart which makes us vulnerable and teachable.  A teachable heart means we listen to the Lord’s spirit to guide and direct us during hard times rather than just being on our own to find our way out of a mess.  It is difficult to let go of some of our own stubbornness so we can be teachable.  Often the trials in our lives help us shed the barriers that keep us from turning to God.  Broken hearts inevitably help us shed those barriers and give us a sincere desire to know what the Lord would like us to learn through those trials. 

My world felt shattered, and I didn’t want to be around friends or acquaintances and I certainly didn’t want to go to church knowing that everyone there would be looking at me in a different way than I’d ever been looked at before. I know that in some ways, it may have been temporarily easier for me if I hadn’t gone back to church meetings.  It may have saved me some embarrassment and feelings of not belonging.  It was hard to face people, to hold my head up and not to be overwhelmed by the humiliation of it all.  But I found that attending my Sunday meetings helped me.  I listened to the messages, hungry to hear every word spoken and found that there was something for me – a message I needed to hear in every meeting.  My heart was touched by the spirit every time.  Attending church was like manna from heaven, feeding my aching soul.  I needed this spiritual manna so badly – it was heavenly nourishment to my spirit.  Our trials contribute to how we feel about everything, but if I had put up a barrier and decided not to attend church, putting up walls because I’d been hurt, it wouldn’t really have protected me from anything.  It would only have kept me from receiving the needed messages I needed to heal my broken heart.  If we truly want to heal, we have to take those inner walls down and let the light of Christ in.  We have to look beyond our hurt and pain, and sacrifice our self-made protections so that the spirit can teach us and change our hearts. 

In our modern day, the Lord doesn’t ask us for burnt offering sacrifices as he did in the Old Testament, which in many cases might be an easier request.  But He does ask us for a gentle heart and a contrite spirit.  He asks us to personally sacrifice our own desires to be more like His.  He asks us to take up our cross and follow Him.  He asks us to change our hearts so that we may be open to receiving His spirit. 

 “The real act of personal sacrifice is not now nor ever has been placing an animal on the altar.  Instead, it is a willingness to put the animal that is in us upon the altar – then willingly watching it be consumed!  Such is the “sacrifice [unto the Lord] of a broken heart and a contrite spirit.”
-Neal Maxwell

A broken heart = a true connection and relationship to Christ. 

Forgiveness is a big concept with a lot of complicated emotions attached to it.  Forgiveness often takes time. It can feel like a long, strenuous uphill hike on a never ending path.  There are amazing stories of people who have forgiven their offenders quickly in terrible circumstances.  I was not one of those.

The Lord teaches us in the scriptures that to forgive is important and is necessary for our own salvation.  The New Testament, book of Mark, 11:26 instructs us that forgiveness is important,  “…if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.”  That’s a powerful message, that in order to be forgiven of our trespasses, we are required to forgive others of theirs.  That may feel like a great burden in some cases of needed forgiveness, yet we all need forgiveness.  We all make mistakes and none of us is perfect, and we hope that Father in Heaven will forgive our wrongs.  Repentance is something we all must do in order to dwell in Father’s presence.   Repentance restores the soul.  Forgiveness heals the soul.

Christ teaches us in the scriptures that of us it is required to forgive  ”seventy times seven”, Matthew 18:22.  I think what He trying to say is that we should never stop forgiving.  There isn’t a magical number that if we reach it we can stop forgiving others.  Just as repentance is an on-going daily process, forgiving must be the same and should be practiced whenever the need arises.  Some offenses may be easier to forgive than others.  Depending on the severity of the offense, it may seem impossible and will take time, sometimes a very long time.  For me, I thought my forgiveness of what Phil had done could never happen.  How could I forgive someone who had wounded these beautiful children in my family?  How could he harm my babies who I carried, who I brought into the world and nurtured and loved more anything else in life?  How could he wound one of his own?  Was he a monster that didn’t have a soul or any feeling of real love?  Could or should someone like that be forgiven at all?   So many questions, so much emotional mire to wade through.

The idea that I couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to forgive weighed heavily on my mind.  I felt hatred creeping in, bringing with it a dark feeling in my soul.  This hatred was not an emotion I was familiar with, and it was not comfortable inside me or welcome in my heart.  I prayed to understand how Heavenly Father would want me to think and feel.  It was a struggle, a battle between my hurt and my heart. 

One day as I was expressing this inner battle to a friend, she reminded me of the story of Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian Dutch woman who hid Jews during the Second World War.  Her story is written in the book, “The Hiding Place”.  I had read the story many years before and recalled the sickening but amazing tale of this woman.  Corrie was not a Jew herself, but was sent to a concentration camp during WWII because she had been hiding Jews from the Nazis.  Her story is worth reading time and time again, and is a story of amazing faith in the face of oppressive odds.  She lives through terrible conditions in the concentration camp, but remains alive after the war ends.  She then makes it her mission to share her message of hope in Christ, and how His words were her guide during the horrors of the time she spent in the camp.  Her message is one of redemption and the power of the atonement, that all can be forgiven through Christ. 

After the war, Corrie traveled throughout Europe and the U.S. telling her story and sharing the message of forgiveness.  At a church in Munich after one of her speeches, she recognizes one of the attendees to be the former S.S. man who had been one of her cruel guards and jailers in the camp.  He approaches her as the church is emptying.  He beams as he thanks her for her message that Christ has washed even his sins away.  He extends his hand to shake hers, and she cannot take his hand.  She feels anger and sees her own sin in the vengeful feelings she has towards this man.  He doesn’t appear to know her, but she certainly remembers him well.  Her speech at the church has been about Christ and His forgiveness, but she cannot even raise her hand as she recognizes her own lack of forgiveness for this man. She tries to smile and prays a silent prayer, telling Christ that she cannot forgive this man and asks that Christ give her His forgiveness. 

An amazing thing happens as Corrie takes this man’s hand.  She feels a current go through him to her, and a sudden love for her jailer comes into her heart.  How miraculous!  Her prayer, full of sincerity had been answered and she had felt the miracle of forgiving the man right then and there!  After my ordeal, I wondered how she could have this change of heart and feel love for this man.  Hers is an incredible story, and was an inspiration to me.  If she couldn’t forgive such as I couldn’t forgive, but could pray for Christ’s forgiveness to help her, then maybe I could do the same. 

So I prayed as Carrie had prayed, asking for help from the Lord.  My prayers no longer asked the Lord to help me forgive (as that seemed impossible), but I asked that this burden of forgiveness be transferred from me, to Christ.  I asked that this emotional load I carried be placed at Christ’s feet, and I gave it away to Him.  Forgiveness for Phil was a great burden for me, and I could not carry it on my own.  But I had a different experience than Corrie did, and it wasn’t just suddenly done.  My prayers about this were not a “one time” miraculous occurrence of sudden forgiveness.  I had to ask for this over and over again, placing my burden at His feet and giving it away to Christ time after time, but I had full faith that the Lord could help lift this burden and help me begin my journey of forgiveness.

As I began giving this burden to the Lord, I felt free.  Free from the weight of the oppression I had felt.  I found that because I had given my burden to the Lord, the hatred didn’t stay inside me.  I believe forgiveness began in my heart because I had given it to Christ to carry.  I know that I couldn’t have done it on my own, but it was a beginning on my path to forgiveness that would continue.  As I continued down that path, I was able to go on with life and live it rather than staying stuck in my feelings of anger and hurt.  I began to feel some happiness, gratitude that I had my beautiful children and the many blessings that the Lord had heaped upon me.  There was so much to be thankful for.

Though my forgiveness of Phil hasn’t come all at once, it has come line upon line.  There have been many times when my children or other children abused by Phil have gone through difficult times because of the abuse, and when those things happened it seemed that I took a step back in my progression to forgive him.  I know I haven’t completely finished the process of forgiving him, but I have come a long way on my “forgiveness path”, and my desire is that at some point in the future it will finally be complete.  I know that the Lord understands that I am trying to forgive.  My desire is to do the Lord’s will, and my hope is that someday I will be able to say with certainty that my forgiveness of Phil is complete. 

It is difficult not to harbor ill feelings towards someone that has wounded us. An offense may play over and over in our minds – it affects not only our emotional state of mind but our physical cells as well.  It can affect our health and bring us into a time of “dis-ease” in our bodies, making us physically ill.   It’s easy to get difficult thoughts and feelings stuck in a loop that constantly go around and around in our brains because we feel we have been wronged, especially when we have been wronged.  With God’s help, we can let go of some things that will keep us in a state of misery and gloom.  As you pray to forgive others, ask Heavenly Father to help adjust your “personal filters” that can change your thoughts from hurt, anger and frustration towards an offender into compassion and kindness.  Allow the miracle of Christ’s atoning gift to enter your heart.  Let Him speak understanding to your mind and invite His suffering to be your healing.  It is possible that the perpetrator that has hurt us has also been hurt themselves at some point in their lives and hasn’t received the help they needed to heal their own problems.  They may not have ever felt the pure love of God in their hearts.

I have also learned this…our forgiveness of someone cannot be conditional on the offenders’ willingness to admit their offense, or even their desire to say they are sorry.  We can’t wait for them to “come around”, to feel remorse over what they have done, because that may never happen.  We are the ones that have to take the step toward forgiveness, for our own sanity, peace of mind and preservation of our soul.  Forgiving our offenders may not change them, but it will bring peace and light to us.

We must also be willing to forgive ourselves for taking time to forgive.  The secret on the path of forgiveness is to keep asking The Lord to help you in the process.  Often we have to first work on having the desire to forgive someone who has wronged us or a loved one.  If we don’t want to forgive others, then we can pray to the Lord and ask Him to give us the desire to forgive.  If we sincerely desire to forgive those that wronged us and take even small steps toward forgiveness, the Lord is happy with our progression.  Remember – Jesus is our brother and wants the very best for us.  If we are trying and working toward forgiveness, then He will rejoice with us.  My healing over this will likely take me the rest of my life, and may not be total in this life – it may not be complete until the next life. The Lord can take away our heavy burdens when we can’t forgive on our own, and He can replace the hatred we feel with His love.  He is waiting for the invitation to help us. 

Some of us are afraid that if we can’t fully forgive right now, that we have failed.  Not true!  That message comes from Satan – he wants us to fail, to be hopeless and give up.  Satan wants hatred to continue in our hearts.  If we remain on Satan’s path, he will have finally won us.  The Lord on the other hand wants happiness for us.  He wants us to start on a path of forgiveness.  Once again, it’s dark verses light.  Satan is the darkness, Christ is the light.

I felt great sadness for what Phil had thrown away.  Whether or not Phil will ever fully repent of these depravities, I do not know.  Unless there is full repentance on his part in the future, he may have exchanged his eternal heritage for an earthly binding that will keep his soul imprisoned.  I feel pity for him.   He cannot be released from his eternal prison until he gives his own burden to Christ.

I’m grateful every day that I chose to embark upon the path of forgiveness, the path that leads me to Christ.

To begin this chapter, let’s establish the meaning of the word “pioneer”.

1. (noun) A person who helps create or develop new ideas, methods, etc.
2. (verb) To help create or develop (new ideas, methods, etc.)

For many years I didn’t like the word “pioneer” and what it represented.  I had a strong dislike for pioneer stories of the 1800’s and how hard they worked to move to the west and set up a new life out of practically nothing.  (If you love pioneer stories, don’t give up on my attitude just yet.)  It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate their sacrifices, hardships and the amazing things they did, it was because they are often immortalized.  I, on the other hand, was experiencing modern day hardships and I felt like a piece of dirt, shunned at times.  Pioneer stories praised and admired those sufferers (as they should be), but their tales were like scraping fingers on a chalk board to my ears.  I couldn’t listen to them, which made me feel worse.  I didn’t want to hear about their terrible troubles because I was dealing with my own.  I guess I might have been angry that their stories got so much attention.  I didn’t want any attention for my trial, rather the opposite was true.  I wanted to run and hide my head in the sand.  But I felt that I was going through something every bit as hard and equally terrible as the pioneers had, but nobody talked about the type of experiences my family was having.  Who would want to?  My troubles were not “faith promoting” things to talk about.  The subject of child sex abuse was taboo, too painful or imapproriate to bring up in a church or public setting.  People didn’t want to talk about abuse or to hear about it.  Of course the subject was too hard, too uncomfortable for people to hear.  I understood that, but for me…I was living it, forced into addressing it.  I didn’t have the luxury of ignoring it.  Life appeared to me as if everyone else was going on as usual with their own lives while I was living hell on earth.  So listening to or reading history of pioneer stories was emotionally painful and I didn’t want to hear them anymore.

After a while and some healing of my own, things changed.  Considering the things I had been through, I started feeling like a pioneer in my own right.  My counselor Mark worked with children and families that had experienced abuse.  I longed to connect with other women who were going through similar things as I was and share our pains.  One day I asked my counselor if there was a support group among the women he worked with, other women whose husbands had sexually abused their children.  He said there was a group, and the women got together to talk about their experiences.  I was excited at the prospect of connecting with other women who understood what I was going through.  I asked Mark if I could be a part of the group so I wouldn’t feel so alone in my troubles.  He said that I could be included, but cautioned, “Sophia, you won’t want to be a part of this group.”  “Why wouldn’t I?” I asked.  “Because these women have chosen to stay with their husbands” was his reply.  My initial reaction to this information was disappointment and disbelief that other women chose to stay in a marriage where their husbands had abused their own children.  Indeed, I had chosen to end my marriage which was the only way I could feel peace.  I told Mark he was right, that I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to be a part of such a group.  Though I had received my answer from God to leave the marriage, I had also come to understand that I could not stay with a man who had taken away my children’s right to choose.  They had been acted upon before their little minds could even understand the concepts, behaviors and actions Phil imposed upon them.  I could not remain in a situation like that.

At this stage of my story, I wish to state that I do not judge other women for their life decisions.  I have grown and learned that I can’t judge others about the choices they make for their marriages.  There are many situations that are difficult for endless reasons beyond my understanding.  None of us can be inside someone’s head and fully understand their experiences.  But I will add this one admonition that I believe with all my heart – mothers and wives that stay in a marriage and family where sexual abuse is present, knowing that their children are being abused and not standing up for them is wrong.  Though I can’t understand why a womans’ decision would be to remain in a marriage with an abusive husband, my hope is that fear will not keep any of us from leaving a situation that is damaging to our children’s souls.

So there I was, in some ways like other women who had been through this experience, but very unlike other women in my predicament.  For the first time I realized that I was a pioneer in this subject of life, choosing a path others did not choose.  I was pioneering a new way and had the conviction and unwavering belief that I was doing the right thing for my family.  That pioneering action would make all the difference in mine and my children’s futures. 

A change came over me regarding pioneer stories, and I began to love hearing any and all pioneer stories I could get my hands on.  I felt a love, appreciation, admiration and a kinship to them for the hardships they had been through.  These were amazing people of the past, these courageous and heroic people who left something behind in exchange for something better.  I understood them now.  I realized that we all have more in common with them than we might think.  Now I wanted to be a part of them, and I wanted them to welcome me into their circle.  Their trials were very different from mine, but I wanted to be counted among them.  I couldn’t imagine their sufferings, but at times I got the feeling that they wouldn’t be able to imagine mine.  

Later I would seek out their stories to strengthen me.  If they could get through the wilderness and their trials, then I could do it, too.  My “wilderness” might be different from theirs, but I still had their example and their courageous strength to show me the way.  I love pioneers and I love their stories!

In this stage of my life, I’ve thought a lot about the pioneers of the past and their trials. Often they left a comfortable life in search of freedom, but their journey wasn’t an easy one.  Though many had wagons, most walked a long way, wearing out shoes, coming across unfriendly people or territories, sleeping on the hard ground, running of out supplies and food – in many cases barely able to survive.  I’ve also thought a lot about our day and what things make us modern day pioneers.  What are our struggles in a modern day world?  Additional definitions of a Pioneer are:  “One who is among the earliest in any field of inquiry, enterprise.”  “To act as a pioneer.  To be a pioneer of or in.”  Have you ever considered yourself a pioneer?  Have you ever had to deal with a trial that was unusual, out of the ordinary or make a decision for your life that was something you never imagined you’d have to deal with?  Have you ever felt all alone in your struggles but persevered and hung on to hope until you came to better days in your life?  Have you ever been hurt by someone and later had courage to reach out and help someone else because you understood what they were going through?   Have you had others be-little you or taunt you or try to get you to do something that was wrong, yet you stayed strong and rose above their attempts to bring you down?  If so, then you are a pioneer in your day!   

Pioneers of the past were sometimes driven from their homes because of their belief in God.  Mobs came and destroyed their homes, harmed their families, sometimes killed them and threatened them making it impossible for them to stay where they were.  They trekked to escape the persecution that the mobs inflicted.  In our world today I believe that we also have “mobs” around us.  They may not be typical of those mobs of the past, but have a negative effect on us just as the mobs of the past had on the pioneers.  Our “mobs” may lurk in the shadows and attack us slowly and methodically in a way that is almost imperceptible.  Technology that adds to our lives also has a dark side; pornography, negative social media and obsessive /malicious computer games that keep us from focusing on things of light.  Maybe our “mobs” are the love of money over the love of God and human relationships, music that brings a dark spirit or abusive behaviors that harm others for our personal benefit or gain.  Just as the pioneers of old trekked away from their mobs, we can find the courage to shun the “mobs” that attack our lives every day.  We can choose to stand for goodness and seek the light found in the gospel of Jesus Christ as we leave our “mobs” behind.  We can fight against the evils of the world and we can step forward and trek toward God.  We really have more in common with the pioneers of the past than we may think.  We are all modern day pioneers, and that’s exactly what the Lord wants us to be. 

Webster’s Dictionary describes millstones in two ways:  Millstones, noun.  1.  Either a pair of circular stones between which grain is ground, as in a mill.  2. a heavy burden.  Both the physical properties of a millstone’s basic function of grinding grain and the actual weight of a millstone (heavy burden) are applicable to our lives.

The first description of a millstone is its’ physical state.  Millstones have been used for hundreds of years to grind grain and nuts.  Romans, Greeks and Egyptians all used millstones to crush their grain.  When I visited the Holy Land, the millstones I saw were ancient, from Biblical times.  They were large, often three feet in diameter.  Millstones are heavy stones that have been cut into a circular shape and look somewhat like a tire, flat on each side.  In order to do the work of grinding, there must be a pair of millstones.  One sits at the bottom as a base or “bedstone” and is stationary while the other is placed flat on the top of the base.  The top stone has a hole in the middle into which the grain is poured and is called “the runner”, rotating on top of the base stone.  Grooves that have been cut into the face of each stone serve as knives, helping to cut, grind and crush the grain into a meal or flour as it moves between the stones.  Millstones are meant to be heavy so the pressure and weight between the two stones may refine the grain in order for it to become flour.  Millstones were an essential part of people’s lives and were considered “mighty” because they served an important purpose – to break the shell of the wheat, making it workable so that it could be made into the life giving bread that was a staple of their lives and survival. 

The second description refers to an emotional description of a millstone.  There are several scriptural references to millstones in the Bible.  It is interesting to me that in the scriptures the Lord points out a much different purpose for a millstone than the basic use it had at the time.   The scriptures I am referring to don’t deal with the functionality and importance that a millstone was for people in their daily lives during Bible times, but instead the weight of a millstone was used to point out the severity of certain crimes.  The people knew the mighty and weighty nature of millstones, and the Lord uses to a millstone illustrate how it could be used against an offender of children.   In Matthew 18:6 after the Lord has said that, “Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” Then it continues, “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”  In Mark 9:42 we find this message repeated, “And whosoever shall offend one of these my little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea.”  Millstones are powerful and heavy enough to pull a person down, and if one were to be hung around someone’s neck and they were then tossed into the sea, it would surely take them to the bottom of the ocean.  With that millstone “hung about the neck”, there would be no coming back, no escape – the weight of the stone would make sure of that.  The description is quite severe – a final reward in the depths, someplace dark, someplace where there is no air to breath, no hope of surviving, someplace where life ends.  The scripture verses not only serve as a warning to those who chose to offend children, but they tell us that drowning in the depths of the sea may be preferable to the actual consequence that would happen to someone who chooses to harm our little ones.

In my mind I have pictured a millstone around the neck of my ex-husband.  It doesn’t give me satisfaction that this might be his reward, nor do I have feelings of revenge or relief to think this may be his eternal consequence for deplorable behavior.  I see it as a death sentence to the soul.  In this case, a father whose job it is to care for, comfort and protect must face a terrible judgment from God if that father chooses to abuse his own child.  I know that God sees all his children as His own, and would not want His little children to be abused, not one of them!  I see the Lord’s strong language about little ones being offended and millstones “around the neck” as being the consequence of a perpetrators behavior, and I understand why the Lord spoke so strongly.  Phil’s abuse was a criminal offense that altered the lives of the children and all that were affected by the abuse.  Phil’s life was ruined, my life was forever changed. 

This second description in the dictionary of a millstone being an emotional one, “a heavy burden” does not apply to the offender.  It applys to the one that has been offended. Sexual abuse experienced in childhood places an emotional, mental and spiritual burden upon children that have been abused.  The child (or adult) that has been abused carries a tremendously heavy burden resulting from the abuse.  It affects them in several ways:

1.  The innocence of childhood is taken from a child through abuse.  Their bodies are used for someone else’s selfish desires and sick pleasure, and their spirits have been demeaned and disrespected.   Their little minds are still growing, learning behaviors and maturing and are not capable of understanding adult behavior and actions, or the place that sexual behavior has in an adult life.  They do not have the capacity yet to deal with a sexual experience.  When children grow to be adults, they can then understand that sexual interaction with their spouse should be one of light and goodness.  But a sexual act is confusing and upsetting to a child, not to mention the physical harm it may inflict.
2. Introducing a child prematurely to something that only mature minds can understand may change their association of what real love should be.  An abused child deals with a dark experience and a heavy burden of their own – a twisted view of what love and being loved should be.  Being loved is confused with being objectified due to a perpetrators’ deviant behavior, and real love becomes a difficult concept for abused children to understand.  This is crime!  Because all of God’s children deserve to feel true and abiding love.
3. Through the process of abuse, Satan has been introduced to the child and invited into their lives by the offender in a way that should never be.  The result of Satan’s presence through this horrific action is staggering.  The darkness of his influence is haunting and affects the way they can function and perceive the world.  It becomes a mental and emotional fight for them to make their way out of Satan’s grasp.  Their sweet souls of light have been taken to a place of such darkness, and particularly during an abusive session, their ability to choose to stay in the light has been taken away, at least for a time. 

I consider all this the “heavy burden” of the millstone of abuse.

     Sexual abuse is a huge burden in a person’s life, a burden that requires professional help and is a burden that only the Lord can ultimately heal.  I believe in miracles.  I have seen them in my own life many times, particularly as I have gone through this horrendous experience.  Though I was not the abused child, I believe the millstone of abuse is a heavy burden that can actually teach the one that has been offended.  These “millstone like” experiences do change you, but I have observed that the changes abuse causes don’t have to permanently keep a victim in a dark place.  That emotional millstone you may carry as an abused child can be lifted.  Your trial, your personal millstone doesn’t have to pull you down in the depths of the sea with your abuser.  There is hope!  Christ has taught that we can rise above our trials, and we can be in a place of light even though we were taken to place of darkness.  That is the miracle!  As an adult that has had to deal with heavy trials, I also know that our “heavy burden” millstones can be lifted with help of our Savior.

       Just as the physical millstone crushes the wheat and changes it to be used for life giving bread, so we are refined by our personal millstones.  It is painful to be “crushed” and changed in the process of our trials.  These millstone trials have broken us down, requiring us to shed our hard and crusty exteriors so that we are pliable enough to be mixed with other spiritual ingredients that allow us to become like Christ who is the bread of life.  Christ offers to take us in our “trodden down” state and tells us that He can make us into something whole and delicious to Him.  He is the “finisher” of our souls that can take us from a broken, clay-like, powdery state and turn us into a beautiful, sculpted masterpiece!

          As parents we understand that growth is needed in our children’s lives.  We watch as a baby must physically learn to walk, talk, eat, and communicate as they literally grow up to an adult stature.  Growth is needed throughout our lives as we change mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Progression requires that we must learn to grow and change and become more than we currently are.  We cannot remain the same.  We learn from experience, experiences that are hard!  Though we don’t invite all the experiences we have in life, it appears that we have to go through them whether they are wanted or not.  The refining process of our millstone experiences can help us grow.   Our Savior Jesus Christ will help us, if we will only ask Him. He is our loving Shepherd, our wise Counselor, our kind Redeemer and the Prince of our Peace.

There are wonderful people on this earth.  They may be members of our family, our friends and acquaintances, or people we don’t even know.  They can serve as our earthly angels, those that help us on our journey through this mortal life.  They can often be an answer to our prayers, operating as God’s instruments in lifting us up when we are down.  These earthly angels are the kind of angels we can see.  We can also be earthly angels, seen to others.  God hopes that we will serve and love our brothers and sisters on this earth and that we will be there for each other during difficult or joyful times.

My parents were some of my earthly angels.  They loved me and supported me during the bad times and the good times of my life.  They were there for me and my children, always showing love and kindness in any way they could.  I would not have survived my trials without my angel parents.

My siblings and their spouses were also some of my earthly angels.  They showed kindnesses in countless ways and helped me and my children to survive emotionally, financially and spiritually.  I had cousins that came to my aide and provided for my needs.  Dear friends listened to my woes and sorrows and provided hope, some even helped with home improvements.  All these – my angels, were willing to mourn with me and comfort me. These “seen” angels were a great comfort to me.

I have also been blessed in my life to feel some unseen angels.  This type of angel is not of this earth in a mortal state.  They are heavenly beings that have either lived on this earth before, or beings that are yet to be born on this earth. They have come to me in spirit form and I have felt their sweet, comforting presence from time to time. I may not have “seen” these angels, but I’ve known that they were there.  Sometimes I have known who these angels were, and sometimes I have not.  I believe we all have unseen angels around us, and if we become sensitive enough to heavenly things, we will feel them.

I love reading about angels in the scriptures.  It has helped me understand more about what angels do and their purpose in our lives.  In the Old Testament in Matthew Chapter 4, Jesus is being bombarded with Satan’s temptations as he is fasting for 40 days and 40 nights.  Satan tries every trick that He thinks will break Christ’s will and succumb to his evil desires, but Christ’s goodness prevails.  Jesus finally tells Satan to leave him and after Satan departs, the scriptures say, “…behold, angels came and ministered to unto him.”  How did those angels “minister”?  I think they came bringing their spirits of light, which brought God’s spirit to Christ to replace the evil he had been subject to.  I think they spoke words of comfort and encouragement, maybe reminding Christ of who he really was and the importance of his earthly mission.  I imagine them standing in a circle around Christ sharing their light and warmth with him after a dark and cold encounter with Satan.

Turning to Webster’s Dictionary, it explains angels in this way:
Angel:  1) A spiritual being that serves especially as a messenger from God or as a guardian of human beings.  2) A person (such as a child) who is very good, kind, beautiful, etc. 3) A spiritual being superior to humans in power and intelligence; especially: one in the lowest rank in the celestial hierarchy. 

Then there is the idea of guardian angels. 
Guardian:  1) Someone or something that watches or protects someone.  2) One that guards.
Guardian Angel:  1) An angel believed to watch and protect someone.  2) An angel believed to have special care of a particular individual. 

I believe that angels come to help us and guide us, to support our worthy efforts and to “cheer us on”.  I believe they can help protect us in times of need.  I have felt comfort and support from angels.  I believe they are around us, and often!  Some people may doubt the presence of angels in their lives, but I don’t question that they are there – it is our awareness and our ability to believe in them that determines whether or not we feel their presence when they are with us.  Christ was strengthened by angels in the Garden of Gethsemane as He suffered the most pain that anyone can suffer.  I believe that we are also gifted with angels as we suffer our personal pains.

When I was a child I was unaware of heavenly angels, or so I thought.  Yet I remember feeling one particular angel presence quite often, especially in my youth.  My paternal grandfather died when I was two years old.  I vaguely remember him in this life.  My only real memory of him was him kneeling down to my little child level, and with a smile of kindness and love on his face he offered me a piece of candy – a peppermint candy I believe.  That is my only earthly connection to him.  After his passing and as I grew, I felt he was my guardian angel.  I don’t know why I felt this way, no one ever mentioned to me that I might have a guardian angel during my life and I never thought much of it, other than to say I felt that he was with me on many occasions.  I never expressed that feeling to my parents or family members, but I often sensed that he was watching over me.  As an adult with increased awareness and belief, I treasure the times that my grandfather angel was with me.  I know he cares about me and loves me though I have little memory of him.  Every year as I visit his grave, I feel a special connection to this sweet man. 

As a single parent, I was never really afraid to be home alone with my children at night.  It is surprising to me that I didn’t feel fearful.  I prayed each night that angels would be around my home to protect us from any evils that might be lurking.  I prayed that these angels would form a barrier of protection surrounding my home with their light and power that evil could not penetrate.  I know I wasn’t fearful because I had full confidence that if I asked for angels of protection, that they would be with me and my children.

After I had been divorced for about five years, I received word that Phil was to have a parole board hearing.  The likelihood of him being released from prison and out on parole was a strong possibility.  Because the charges relating to Phil’s abuse of my children had been dropped by the District Attorney at the original sentencing, neither they nor I were considered “victims” in the crime, so we would not be notified of any changes in his status or of any legal action concerning him.  Only victims who were included as part of the charges during sentencing would be notified.  That seemed like a crime in itself.  However, other children that had been abused by Phil were considered victims and charges dealing with them had not been dropped and were used as evidence against him.  The parents of Phil’s “victims” had been notified by the parole board that Phil would have a hearing which would determine his possible release after only serving time in prison for five years, or his continued incarceration.

When the parents of the child victims received word of the parole hearing, they contacted my mother to inform her about the scheduled hearing.  My mother decided that it would be best to tell me about the hearing in person rather than on the phone, so she came to my home.  I was in the backyard doing some yard work when she arrived.  As she approached me, I could sense that she had some bad news to share.  Mom was trembling slightly as she informed me about the upcoming hearing.  We knew this kind of news was something which would eventually come, and we had all been dreading the time it would actually happen.  None of us could imagine that Phil would be released from prison ever, considering his crimes.  But we also knew that his fate was out of our control, and the worst scenario in our minds would be his release from prison.  

As mom explained to me about the hearing, I had an unusual sensation.  Suddenly I felt that I had just been surrounded by a group of angels. They were in a circle all around me, with no break in the circle – it was a solid shield of fortification.  I was amazed at what I was feeling – it was something I had never experienced before in my life.  When my mother finished talking, I felt no apprehension or fear about the news she had shared.  It was as if no bad news had been given, and I felt protected from the harm that this news may bring to me. 

For the next few weeks until the parole board hearing took place, I felt my circle of angels with me all the time. They were with me everywhere I went.  I felt their presence with me at home, day and night, at work and even in my car.  I didn’t fully understand then that they had been sent to be with me to protect me emotionally and spiritually from what was going to happen.  They were also helping to prepare me to attend the hearing.  I did not want to go, to be in Phil’s presence again, but I knew that I had to go.  In his confessions, Phil had never mentioned that he had touched my youngest child in an abusive fashion.  After he had gone to prison and my child was a bit older, this child had told me what Phil had done.  This would be new information for the parole board as they had not been a part of the original charges against him, and I wanted the parole board to know this information.  I knew I needed to be at that hearing and report to the parole board that Phil had lied by not fully disclosing all the abuse he had perpetrated.  I felt that if I was in the room at the hearing as Phil heard the additional accusations, he would not be able to deny it.

A few days before the hearing, I decided that I should prepare myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually to attend the hearing.  I was driving alone in my car, headed someplace where I could be alone and ponder. I was thinking about this group of angels and how they had been with me every day since the news of the hearing.  It was still curious to me and I wondered who these angels were.  Talking to myself but speaking out loud I said, “I wonder who you are?”  Suddenly I was given the answer to my question.  All at once I knew who these angels were.  They were my grandparents on both sides of the family, my brother that had died in infancy, great-grandparents that I had never met and a male spirit that I knew had not yet been born on this earth.  I was overwhelmed with emotion as this answer was given to me.  I knew my grandparents were there because I recognized each of their spirits.  Both my grandmothers and my maternal grandfather that had been alive during my childhood were there – I knew it because I felt their presence and personalities as I would have felt them in life.  I knew my paternal grandfather was there who had been my guardian angel, because I recognized his spirit from when he was present during other times of my life.  Though I had not known my brother on this earth, I felt the sibling connection between us.  And I believe that the other male spirit was a child I had miscarried during my marriage.  They had all come to be with me, to support me and literally pull me through this difficult time.  I drove along in tears, so grateful to have been given this knowledge and to feel these precious angels.  I learned a great lesson from this experience – all I had to do was to ask, and the answer was given.  If only we could always have the faith to ask, believing that we would receive an answer.

A few days later I attended the parole hearing.  My parents and siblings attended the hearing with me.  It was sobering as we entered the prison walls and were escorted to the hearing room.  We had been told ahead of time not to bring personal affects with us, as we could not have them in the board room.  We were not allowed to wear our shoes, and had to remove any metals such as belts or change from our pockets.  I could only carry some tissues with me.  We felt as if we were the accused, having been stripped of all our belongings except the clothes we were wearing.  The officers that escorted us to the room were quiet but kind, but the feeling in this prison was dark and oppressive.  It was a very unpleasant setting and I was looking forward to having this hearing over with.   My family and I were escorted into the hearing room first.  Members of Phil’s family sat a few rows behind us.  I was not comfortable interacting with them, so we were allowed to be seated separately.  There were members of the parole board on the stand, a court recorder and several officers standing by.  Lastly, Phil was brought into the room.  He was seated several feet in front of us, with his back to us.  I did not have to look him in the eye or ever see his face directly, which was a relief to me.  He was not allowed to turn around and look at us.  He was told who was in the board room attending the hearing, so he was well aware that my family and I were there.  As the hearing got underway, it was painful to hear the board members recount the charges against Phil.  Several of my family members had written letters asking that the parole board keep him incarcerated.  Phil was informed that we had written letters to the parole board.  They cited my letter which declared that Phil had lied about abusing my youngest child, and gave him an opportunity respond to this.  For the first time he admitted to that portion of the abuse.  I felt he would not have admitted to it if I had not written the letter and not been in the room to be a witness to his response.

Throughout the hearing, we had to listen to various accounts of the charges and of Phil’s depraved behavior.  My mother was seated on one side of me, my father on the other.  Knowing that it would be very hard on me to hear all these things, my dear mother put her hand on top of mine to comfort me.  Her hand began to tremble so badly, and I knew she was struggling with this almost as much as I was.  But I felt calm, because my angels were still with me – they were especially with me now, and I felt the comforting effect of their presence.  Without thinking, I put my free hand (that my mother was not holding) on top of her shaking hand, because I knew that my angels and I could help calm her.  I was amazed that even though this hearing was one of the worst experiences of my life, I felt a calm and strength inside of me that I had not expected to feel.  It was because my angels were there with me.  They saved me that day. 

When the hearing had ended, I still felt the strength and the power of my angel circle.  My family and I were relieved that it was over, and as we left the confines of the prison walls we felt a wonderful feeling of freedom.  We could leave this dark place and return to the light of day and the freedoms we enjoyed.  As we walked to the car to leave, I noticed a change in the heavenly presence that surrounded me.  My angel group was no longer with me.  They had stayed for as long as they were needed, and had been permitted to return now to their existence.  I felt the void of that loss, but will forever be grateful that my loving Heavenly Father sent those heavenly family angels to be with me in my time of great need.  

After several days had passed we learned that the parole board’s decision had been made, and that Phil would be released from prison a few weeks later.   That is not what I had hoped would happen.  It was devastating to know that in spite of all the terrible evidence against Phil, that they would still release him. Yet once again, I was able to go on with life, enjoy my children and feel some calm and peace.  I was certain that angels were helping to bring heaven a bit closer to our lives and sustain us during these dark times.  

Several years ago I was visiting Windsor Castle in England and I saw a statue of a woman that I will never forget.  The woman represents Queen Charlotte of England, she and her baby having died in childbirth.  The statue portrays her as a spirit ascending to heaven, attended by angels on both sides of her, one of the angels cradling her dead child.  Her pose, one hand pointed toward the sky, looks like she is being raised up, set free from earth’s bondage.  I was so touched by this statue that I have thought of it often through the years.  It reminds me that even when we may be at the lowest point in life (for Charlotte having crossed over death’s door), we can also be accompanied by angels that comfort and attend us in our darkest hours, bringing light and hope into our souls.

In my extreme emotional pain, I needed to feel a higher power that could help me.  Though I had support from family, friends and a great counselor, I needed more than what any person or thing could provide me.  I had been mentally and emotionally damaged and I needed heavenly strength to help me heal.  I believe heavenly power is much greater and more powerful than any earthly strength. 

Have you looked at something beautiful in nature such as the ocean, a mountain or a sunset, and felt a connection to a higher power?  I have felt it many times.  That feeling doesn’t come out of nowhere, it comes from inside of us.  Have you ever had the feeling that you are not of this world, that you don’t really belong here?  Have you ever felt that even home didn’t seem right, or quite like home?  Have you ever been standing in a room and felt that the room wasn’t actually reality, that there is something more “out there” that is our reality?  I think that we feel this because we are sensing a connection to the divine, the divine that is our Heavenly Father because we are His children.  That means that there is divine in us because we are eternal beings just like God is.  The feelings of being uncomfortable in this world are because we’re not really of this world, we’re just visiting.  Our true home is in heaven. 

During my trial, there were times I felt like I was a stranger to my trials and to this earthly life.  I felt out of place to be experiencing such an awful thing.  But I also felt such a connection to the divine.  My Heavenly Father helped me to understand that I was not being mistreated or unloved by God because of the trial I was going through, but that I was unconditionally loved by Him and my Savior.   I was given a greater understanding of my place in this temporary world and my connection to the eternal, divine world.  This earth is in an un-perfect state, but we are from a perfect world.  In this “less than perfect world”, there were many times I would get down or depressed, but I received many tender mercies to help me deal with the challenges that life now offered.  I felt the Lord’s grace in my life almost every day.  That is one of the blessings from going through trials, we just have to let the Lord into our hearts to feel His love.  
Often our individual trials do not feel like they should be happening to us.  Difficult trials do not feel comfortable to our spirit, especially when we have an inkling of understanding about who we really are – children of God.  Our trials are not always fully understood by ourselves or by others.  We reach out to be understood, accepted and loved.  That does not always happen.  People are imperfect.  If something bad happens to someone, we all  have our own ideas and opinions about what we think happened and why.  We may think that someone has a trial because they deserved it, or that a major error in judgment was made, which is not always the case.  Our trials are so individual and sometimes lonely.  It’s important not to judge the trials of others, because we have no idea of all the factors involved in their struggle. 

Sometimes people may disappoint us and may not be there for us when we need them.  We have an expectation and a need, and we feel that others may be insensitive to our needs and feelings.  Often they are doing the best they can in their own lives and are just not aware of our needs.  I don’t think people mean to be clueless and we can’t expect them to understand what we’ve been going through unless they’ve gone through a similar experience themselves.  They may be able to sympathize, but they can’t always empathize.  Don’t be offended if others aren’t always there for you when you are in need.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, just as you would like them to do the same for you.  The lesson is this – earthly friends may not be there for us, but remember that we are not alone, not ever.  There is One who is always there for us.  Our Savior is with us and even angels to do His bidding in our behalf.  When we understand our connection to the divine, we won’t feel disappointed that someone has let us down.  When all the world may not know what we feel and what we are going through, Jesus always does!

Even though we are divinely connected to our Heavenly Father in a way that is more real than even this earthly experience, it’s hard to imagine that a divine being will always be there for us, because a veil divides us from our memories of being with our Heavenly Father and knowing Him.  We have earthly limitations to our thinking processes, and we don’t believe what we can’t see.  I believe our Savior knows us, intimately.  That is what the Garden of Gethsemane prayer Christ uttered was all about.  He knows us better than anyone could, because He suffered our pains, for us.  My pain and aching heart became His own pain.  What a beautiful and personal thing He did for each of us!  He understands our aches even if we don’t feel His presence, or recognize how He can comprehend our sufferings.  When we have wonderings if Christ is there to help us, maybe the question in our minds shouldn’t be, “does He understand me?” or “is He really there for me?”  The better question may be “can I and do I believe and know that He is there?” or “what can I do to assure that He will be there to help me?”  Another question we may want to ask ourselves is, “am I there for my Savior?  Do I show my love and appreciation for Him by the way I choose to live my life?  Do I fully appreciate His sacrifice for me?”   In the Garden of Gethsemane even His apostles could not wait with Him for one hour as He prayed for relief to His Father, bleeding from every pore.  Just as the apostles were not supporting Christ as they slept while he bled from every pore, we are not always believers in Christ, especially when something bad happens to us.  Maybe that’s why it’s hard to imagine that He would always be there for us, because sometimes our faith in Him is not there.  I know that Christ is always there for us.  All we have to do to connect with Him is to believe in Him.  He is our connection to the divine!

Maybe we’re all a little bit like a beautiful sunset.  Sometimes the most beautiful sunsets come because of smoke in the air caused by unexpected fires.  The fires in our lives can bring out the most beautiful colors in us if we will connect with the divine of our creator.

There is a stark contrast between light and dark, obvious physical signs that make it apparent what time of the day it is. When it is day and the sun is shining, we can see the physical world clearly.  The warmth of the light feels good and we are comfortable when we can discern our surroundings.  The rays of the sun on us are good for our physical, spiritual and mental well-being – the sun can actually make us feel happier.  When night comes and dark descends, we literally can’t see as well as we could in the daylight and it is difficult to make out details and see things clearly.  The dark of night feels more oppressive, and if we’re in total darkness it is impossible to see – we need some light source to guide our way.  We may be able to see the evident differences between light and dark with our natural eyes, yet  from a gospel perspective, the signs of light and dark may not be so apparent to our spiritual view.

Life’s metaphors of light and dark are profound.  I learned that by using the ideas of light and dark as I made my way through my unwelcome new reality, it helped me discern what was happening with me and my family and which direction I should take.  So let’s talk about light verses darkness in a spiritual sense.

Christ is light.  In the scriptures, Christ is often referred to as “the light of the world”.  I love that analogy, because it’s so literal and easy to understand.  Christ set an example for us to follow and taught us how to live.  If we follow His example, we walk a path that is illuminated by His light and it puts us in a mental and spiritual state of being a part of His glorious light.  We feel happiness and joy, comfort and peace in His light.  Christ and his angels of light are ever at hand, by our side to help us and guide us on a path of light.  Christ’s light is real and there to help us, but we must choose it.

Satan is darkness. Satan’s darkness is equally as real as Christ’s light.  Just as Christ’s desire is to buoy us up, Satan’s desire is to pull us down. Satan and his followers are ever by our side, hoping to lead us down their path of darkness.  Those dark spirits are active and would like nothing more than to have us share their misery.  That would delight them, though I’m not sure why, because I don’t think they ever feel satisfied when another soul joins their ranks.  They want more and more of us, not because it brings them or us any happiness, but just to keep us away from Christ’s light. They will do all they can and try any means possible to pull us into their darkness, just because they don’t want us to choose the light.   

I share my witness with you that both the light and the dark do exist and are very real.  I have heard some people say that they don’t believe there is evil such as Satan.  They dismiss that thought as a ridiculous notion and think there is no such being.  I want to declare that I know that is a lie.  Satan is real, just as Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are real.  I have seen how Satan can take the soul of a man and control him to the point that he doesn’t care what damage he does to anyone else, just so long as his own personal appetites are satisfied.  This is the mind of a perpetrator.  The problem with choosing Satan’s path is that those personal appetites that must be satisfied never really can be satisfied.  That’s the dark beauty of Satan’s plan – pull them in, let them think they have control.  The truth is that they have just lost all control by controlling someone else.  They have lost the ability to have self-control by giving it over to the dark side.  

We are all faced with choices every day, and we have two options – we can choose Christ’s light, or Satan’s darkness.  So how do we choose the light over the darkness?  To keep the light with us, we must take action by seeking good things, praying, reading our scriptures and following Christ’s example in our own lives.  We must choose to shun the temptations of Satan.  We need to acknowledge that Satan and his spirits exist and that they are trying to get into each of us, trying to have place in us.  Sometimes they will succeed, and when they do we must send them away.  We can literally tell them to leave, maybe even command them to leave.  Once we’ve sent them away, we need to replace the darkness with light, the Lord’s light.  We must invite the light to be with us after sending the darkness away, or the darkness will return. 

I remember one night in particular when my children were small.  One child was struggling with the dark spirits that had been introduced through Phil, and it appeared that those spirits were trying to take over.  Feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and emotional pain, my child was too young to understand what was happening.  I sensed those dark spirits, I felt them in my home.  When I was raising my children, I tried so hard to invite only things that would bring light, but the dark spirits saw this child as an easy target because of the former abuse.  I felt their darkness getting stronger and stronger that night, more dark spirits joining the numbers as the minutes passed.  I couldn’t believe what I was feeling, but I knew I couldn’t sit by and do nothing but let them come.  I stopped and gathered my thoughts and through a prayer, spoken out loud, I commanded them to leave my home.  It didn’t take long, and almost instantaneously my child calmed down.  I felt a departure of the darkness leaving, as if they were floating away through the walls.  I went to my child’s bedside and said another prayer, asking that the Lord’s light would come and descend upon all of us and our home.  A sweet spirit replaced the darkness and a feeling of calmness came over us. 

That was a powerful lesson to me.  I learned that we must recognize and acknowledge the darkness around us, then invite it or command it to leave.  If you feel darkness in your life, send it away, tell it that it’s not welcome in your home, your mind or your heart.  Then pray with all the energy of your being that the Lord’s sweet spirit will be with you.  You will feel as if a blanket has been wrapped around you to bring you comfort and peace, brought to you through the light of The Lord.

I’ve also noticed a pattern of Satan’s attempt to bring darkness into my life.  There are times when I am trying to do good or something right, I often meet with an adversarial force to keep me from doing it.  When I’m not trying to be particularly in tune with the spirit and just going along in life, it seems that the adversary leaves me alone.  He must see good choices as a threat to his evil works, but when we’re stagnant in our commitment to make good choices, he can back off because he knows we’re not making any spiritual progression.  Often the adversary comes when I’m trying to do something to help someone else, and he puts things in my path that make it very hard to finish my service.  Those things might be thoughts in my mind or they might be real physical things that arise to divert me from actually following through with my good deed.  I caught on to this negative pattern that Satan placed in my path, so the next time as I prepared to do that good thing, I prayed fervently that the adversary would not come and influence me or create a problem.  Things went flawlessly, and I was able follow through with my good intentions.  But I should have been more on guard, because later that evening and the next day, Satan had his way.  He sent negative messages to my mind, and by the next evening I was in the depths of depression over nothing when I had just felt like I’d been truly feeling the spirit twenty-four hours earlier.  We can never let our guard down.  We must always be watchful and know that Satan may try to influence us each day in different ways.  He may try a particular strategy one day, and when we have caught on to his game and have figured out that approach, he will try another tactic the next day.  Sometimes his line of attack is so obvious that it’s laughable.  Other times he sneaks in the back door of our minds and we don’t see him coming.  When that happens we often don’t recognize him for what and who he is.  Negative thoughts come from Satan.  They come from him as he comes for us, and he will always keep trying to influence us for ill. 

When choosing between the light and the dark, think of it as a war.  Satan verses Christ, or rather us verses Satan.  Misery verses happiness and joy.  The choice sounds easy, doesn’t it?  But it’s not easy and this war rages on every day.  Some days will be easier than others, but our goal is to win!  By winning, we get to have Christ’s light with us and feel His peace and His love.  We need be at the ready and to have our emotional and spiritual weapons ever at hand so we are prepared for the fight when Satan’s soldiers arrive. 

I have a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and of His perfect light.  I know it is true, I have seen the Lord’s power of light and happiness in my own life.  I also have a strong understanding of the power and darkness of Satan.  I can look back and see how Phil slowly lost his light and his soul by following the dark lies of the adversary.  Satan is as real as Jesus Christ.  Know that, believe it and be watchful.

Many times in the beginning of this trial, I felt like I was in a dark tunnel, uncertainty and fear swirling all around me.  But without fail, there was always light shining in that tunnel from the other end.  I just needed to keep moving toward the light and eventually I emerged from that tunnel.  And once I was out of the dark and fully into the light, the warmth I felt from God’s light would give me the vision to see as He wanted me to see.

There are times in all of our lives when we feel like we’ve just taken a plunge and are swimming in cold, deep waters.  Sometimes it feels that maybe someone has just pushed us into the deep and we can barely breathe, barely keep our heads above the water to survive.  If we start swimming in spite of the sudden shock of the cold, keeping our eye on the shore, believing we can get there and swimming with all our might, the cold and the deep won’t have power to pull us down. 

For many years as the date of my “hell day” approached, it was a difficult time for me.  On the anniversary of that day I felt gloom and sadness, remembering the events of that life changing experience.  Some years I would get busy and not be thinking about it at all, but the cells in my body and memory banks did not forget.  If consciously I didn’t remember, my heart and soul did and I would suffer from feelings of distress just as I had on that first and terrible day.  My subconscious couldn’t forget, maybe wouldn’t forget because of the memories.

That happened each year for about 10 years.  I would get depressed on that anniversary day, sometimes before I even made the connection that my “hell  day” had rolled around once again.  After several years it started to get a little easier as that calendar day arrived, but the pain of it lasted for a long time.  It has never been an anniversary day that I forget.  Some years the day has been terrible for me, and almost every year I have felt gratitude that I was able to be liberated from a situation that could have kept me in a hellish state.  Sometimes even now, more than 30 years since that day, I remember it with both sadness and thankfulness. 

In the beginning, my counselor wisely told me that I would encounter some powerful feelings when this day came each year.  My counselor, Mark called it “Anniversary Syndrome”.  It was so essential that I understood what would happen to me – to my thoughts, to my self-esteem, to my heart as I remembered the sequence of events that would change my life forever.  When any of us go through traumatic events in our lives, we must learn to be patient with ourselves.  Grieving may occur time and time again, and rather than beating ourselves up over it, we must learn to love ourselves through the process.  It’s also important to know that those disheartening feelings will pass over time, and we don’t have to start at the beginning of the pain with each anniversary.  If you’ve been through trauma, expect the reminders of the day to come, then allow it to pass.  Continue moving on, moving forward and progressing past those things which would and could permanently bring you down. 

Memories are important things to keep.  Of course the good memories usually stay with us, but the bad ones have their place, too.  If we can go through the healing process by admitting the truth of the terror, giving ourselves permission to feel the pain and grief, permitting ourselves to go beyond the pain, then the memories serve an important purpose.  It’s a wonderful feeling to know that you have been through something more terrible than you could ever imagine, and then realizing that you did rise above it!  It is possible and of utmost importance to RISE.  The memories may remain, but our souls do not have to stay mired in the gloom.  

The Lord provides tender mercies along our life path to heal and to help us.  On the 25^th anniversary of my terrible hell day, the Lord allowed a new grandbaby to be born into our family.  The birth of this beautiful baby boy has now changed that awful day into a day of rejoicing instead of day of

sadness.  I don’t believe it was an accident that this new grandchild was born on that day or that it just happened that way, I believe and know that the Lord arranged the whole miracle of that birth to help heal me.  Once again I praise my Father in Heaven for His loving kindness and merciful blessings in my behalf.  Tender mercies happen for all of us.  We just need to open our eyes to the possibilities of the miracle. 

I dislike the term “broken home”.  When people talk about a “broken home” it gives images of something that is forever smashed to bits and can never be repaired or whole again.  I rejected that term “broken home”.  As I made my way into single motherhood, I did my best to make my children feel that their home was not broken.  It’s true that I was struggling to be a good parent, to smile through my tears and pain.  I knew I had to look to find a new “normal” for us and to find a new kind of happiness with just the three of us.  Life was hard, but it was also good.  I had lost much, but I still had the best gifts I had ever wanted – I had my sweet children.  They needed to be raised, to be supported and to be loved. “Broken” was the term that would have applied if I would have stayed in the relationship with Phil, married to an abuser.  If I had stayed, my children may still have had two parents, but at what cost?  I was actually keeping my family from being broken by ending the marriage.

After making the decision to divorce, I was told something that still chills my bones when I think about it.  I don’t recall what legal authority told me this, but someone explained to me that if I had chosen to remain married to Phil that my children would have been taken away from me.  Probably to be placed in the custody of the state.  I understand that there were good reasons they didn’t tell me this before I had made my decision.  Phil had admitted guilt to the abuse and he was sentenced to prison.  I’m sure that the authorities recognized that Phil was a danger to the children and thought that if I choose to stay married to him that I may not protect them from him, choosing loyalty to him over my loyalty to the children.  If I was going to welcome him back into my life when he was released from prison, then I wouldn’t be a safe person for them to be around either, choosing him over their safety and possible further abuse.  I know sometimes women don’t want to divorce even if their child has been abused by their husband – they don’t want to lose their spouse because they’re afraid of being without someone.  The outcome of my decision to leave Phil and end our marriage was a blessing to me.  I don’t think I could have ever made it through life after that if I’d had to live life without my children.  As ineffective of a parent as I was at the time, they needed me as much as I needed them.  They needed me to protect them from further harm and to love them. My life had purpose because I still had them with me.  I know that my life would have totally broken apart without my children. 

Our family unit may have changed, but it was not broken.  We were now without a father, but I was determined to make sure our little family was as whole as possible with the three of us.  Heavenly Father would help us to heal.  Our family was functioning and happy most of the time, though it was also very difficult and painful at times.  But with the negative spirit of abuse gone and our little home more full of the gospel and its’ light, my children would learn to choose the right because they would understand what “the right” was.  They would be able to re-learn what love truly is, and could experience genuine, sincere love from one parent.  They wouldn’t have the pull and manipulation of the other parent lying to them and putting on a façade, pretending to be an honorable father and all the while showing them a twisted view of what “love” was between father and child.  The spirit could dwell in our home, unrestrained and strong enough to chase away the effects of the adversary. 

I don’t think I understood then that a determined attitude and the choice I made at that time changed the course of our lives. Our home may have had its’ very foundation shaken, the emotional walls close to toppling, but my children would not be permanently broken.  Not on my watch they wouldn’t.  

On a recent trip to a beautiful lake, I was relaxing and sitting out in the shallow water on the softest sand.  I dug my hands into the gentle sand to feel it between my fingers and I touched a rock that was buried underneath the surface.  It felt smooth to the touch, so I brought it up out of the water to have a look.  I like unique rocks, and this one had been smoothed by the sands over time, almost into the shape of a heart.  The most remarkable thing about it was evidence that there had once been a crack right across the middle of the rock, but the crack had been healed.  What had once been two pieces, broken apart, were now mended and over time had become just as solid, strong and whole as it had originally been.  This broken heart was like my broken heart.  Time and healing had mended us both.