Over 30 years ago I had an life changing experience. Never in my wildest nightmares would I have imagined the life that would become my reality. For many years I felt that I should share my experiences, but rejected the thought of writing them, afraid that reliving the memories would take me back into a dark place that caused these experiences in the first place. Over time I had tried to put things down on paper, but the memories were so painful to me that I’d end up crying each time I tried to write. So I avoided writing, it was too hard. But something has changed in me, and I cannot refuse to record my experiences any longer.
I am a Christian – you need to know that as you read on, because my beliefs were a major part of my healing. As a devoted Christian, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints. I need to let my readers know this, because it’s not inconsequential to me, it’s everything to me. My healing would not have been possible without my connection to and love of the gospel and my Savior Jesus Christ. If you are a Christian in any form, you will understand why this connection to Jesus Christ is of such value to me. My opinion is that ultimate healing cannot take place without our connection to the Atonement of Jesus Christ, our personal Savior.
You should also be aware that the author name I am using is not my real name. For this setting, I will use the pen name of Sophia Lance. It is the name of a distant ancestor that I have felt a particular connection to. In a way, this is her story, too. Sophia’s life was fraught with heartache and trials, and I believe that her healing also came through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Don’t get me wrong…I am not ashamed to share my story. But I’m not the only person this story involves, so I have also changed the names of all the children and adults in this story. I do this for their protection, not wanting to assume that I have thr right to encroach upon their privacy or interfere with their healing in any way. They should be allowed their anonymity and have the choice whether or not they ever want to speak publicly about their own experiences brought on by this trial. I may be criticized for not making my identity public. If I was only concerned with myself, I would put my real name to this document. Because it has affected so many other lives, I will not put the other victims involved at any emotional risk that may be hurtful to them. The effects of sexual abuse are very personal and can last a long time, and healing for anyone that has been abused must happen at their own pace and on their own terms. This is my story alone, from my perspective and viewpoints. I do not speak for the children that have been abused. Their stories and struggles are likely very different from mine. I do not speak from the perspective of the parent whose adult child has caused the abuse. That perspective would have its’ own accompanying pain that I can’t fully understand. My heart aches for all children that have experienced such atrocious things at the hand of the abuser.
During my trial and through personal experience, my understanding of human psychology and the effects of life experiences on the individual has been expanded. On one hand, my message is different than others because of the nature of the trials I have been through. On the other hand, my message will be familiar because it is the message of hope and healing. Times of tribulation change us, and it has changed me by bringing me closer to Christ. Feeling sadness and sorrow is a part of the process, and the gift of personal revelation brings us out of oppression. There are many times I share the deep feelings of my soul, things that are very private and dear to me. This has been hard for me and I’ve wondered if I could really do this, even using a pen name. But I feel constrained that I must share.
In this story, I have no thought to offend or harm others or their experiences. Some may disagree with what I am saying or may not understand. This story is my story, and the things I share are my experiences alone. I cannot speak about all kinds of abuse because I have not been through other types of abuse and I do not have a personal understanding of them. The abuse I am familiar with is emotional abuse from a spouse, and sexual abuse perpetrated on children. I hope my words about both kinds of abuse will be helpful to other abuse situations as well, or useful for anyone that is working through a trial and trying to heal. Talking about abuse is a difficult thing to discuss, but we need to acknowledge the negative effects of abuse so that they can be dealt with and healed. In Christian churches we talk about “the hastening of the work”, and I believe this is a part of the hastening – to talk about things that are difficult to discuss, and know that there is hope and healing regardless of the severity of our trial. We can’t get on with the important work of the gospel unless we can learn from our trials, lift and help others and heal through the atonement of Christ.
I will not explain in detail what the particular abuses entailed. I will not focus on the darkness of the situation, but rather the light that I found while having to walk a dark path not of my choosing. My message is not one of sadness or life’s horrors, but rather a message of hope and healing during dark times. I share this story with the hope that it will help someone else heal through their own trials. My purpose is to show that we can come know Christ through our sorrows and that miracles do come out of our trials, even those that result from “millstone-like” experiences. Millstone experiences will be explained later on.
In writing, I have felt a sweet guidance from the spirit. In the process of explaining the wonderful lessons learned, I am continually learning more about the workings of the Spirit. The Holy Ghost has taught me and supported me through the often painful process of recording some of the harder experiences. Writing my story has actually become a great blessing to me, something I would never have thought possible.
My story is not a comfortable story to tell. The trials we have are difficult in the telling, but they do refine us and teach us things we couldn’t have known without the trial. The experiences we have change us, and that’s the way it is meant to be. I am not the same person I was 30 years ago, for which I am grateful. I am changed, with the help of my Savior Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven. I am not a perfect person, but learning to know my Savior has helped make something better of me than I could have made of myself. My ultimate goal in sharing my story is to help bring others to Christ, and to help others understand that any kind of adversity does not have to diminish who we are. Our trials do not need to cut off our connection to Christ – they can and should increase our connection to our Savior. My experiences have actually helped to bring me closer to Christ. I know that we can choose to follow Christ, no matter what the circumstance.
Dedication: I dedicate this story to my dear children and to my loving family and friends who have helped me on my healing path. And especially to John, my final healing gift.