I was stunned that something so terrible had happened to me. Worse than that, it had happened to my dear little innocent children. They were so young, so pure, so new to this earthly existence. They were beloved of God, I knew that. How could this have happened to them? The father who I always thought should be loving and kind, provider and protector had actually used my children, his children in such a horrific manner. He’d broken the trust of being a loved son, brother, husband, father, son-in-law, uncle. My mind knew that terrible things happen to people – that’s a part of life I recognize, but my thoughts were so jumbled and confused. I was unable to believe that something so dreadful had happened in my little family and to accept the truth. My brain would silently shout over and over, “This can’t be happening to me and not to my children!” This is not the way I had tried to live my life, this was not a part of my life’s plan, and now I was faced with a life turned upside down. The new life I was now going to have to face was nothing I had ever considered – my nightmares weren’t as bad as this. In fact, sleep was my solace.
My desire had always been to be a mother. I wanted to have children so badly, and I wanted to be a good mother to them. I had hopes and dreams of what I would do with them, how they would be raised and the fun we would have. Though I knew raising children would not always be easy, it was my heart’s desire to be a mother. I may have been naïve but I had no comprehension that a parent could do anything but love, care for, protect and cherish the children they would be blessed with.
So why had these bad things happened to me? I guess it’s natural to ask ourselves these kinds of questions when something bad happens to us. I went back in my mind to my youth, trying to figure out what I had done so wrong that would have caused this to happen. Was this a result of some bad behavior in my past? Was this a punishment for something I had done wrong? I knew that I wasn’t a perfect person, but I seriously had never done anything to deserve this. There had been times when I was too flippant about things in life, sometimes totally clueless about how my inconsiderate actions may be hurting someone else. But I was never malicious and I never set out purposely to hurt anyone or to manipulate them. Though I may not have been perfect, my desire was ultimately to choose to follow the Savior. I had tried to live a good life. What I had to learn was this…just because we try to live good lives doesn’t guarantee that bad things won’t happen to us.
There are several misconceptions that people have about trials. Misconceptions are harmful to us, and cause confusion and depression. Some of these ideas are learned, some are imposed upon us by people with ideas that don’t include the hope of Jesus Christ. Some misconceptions are placed in our minds by the adversary as he tries to use them to bring us to despair. Let’s talk about some common misconceptions.
Misconception 1
When something terrible happens in our lives, it’s got to be someone’s fault. Someone must be to blame for the bad thing that just happened. Why do we want to blame? It’s probably because we don’t remember our whole purpose here on the earth. At times we want to blame God for what is happening to us, especially if it feels like an injustice. I understand why people get angry and blame God when something bad happens to them. It’s because they are hurting so badly that they can’t understand or accept that a loving God allows bad things to happen. Humans need to have a reason why things happen. They feel it’s important to blame things on others so that they can put things in order in their own minds. The thought is, there’s got to be some reason, some explanation why bad things happen. It’s hard to accept that terrible things do happen in our lives and there are times that bad things just happen. Sometimes other people make choices that hurt us. Other times our own choices hurt us. But God is not to blame. God is there to help us, waiting for us to ask for His love and guidance, waiting to change us and draw us closer to Him. Blame only cankers the soul with hate. For a while I hated Phil, but I found that if I kept on hating him, the Lord’s spirit would leave me and Satan would come in His place, bringing more unhappiness and more sorrow. Hate can kill our souls. I would always hate what Phil had done, but it was important to my own well-being that I stop feeling hate toward him. I asked the Lord for His help, and He changed the hate in my heart to pity and sometimes even compassion.
Misconception 2
If I live a good and righteous life, then nothing bad will ever happen to me. When I was a teenager, I remember being taught that we need to make good choices. Somehow I think that people in my era got the impression that if you tried to be a good person and to do good that nothing bad would happen and you’d have a great life. Life would be wonderful because you’d been good, while others around you that hadn’t made the same good choices would not have that same wonderful life. Wherever that idea came from (maybe in my own mind), it was wrong information. It was wrong for two reasons. 1) If we or others make bad choices, the Lord does not curse us forever. He still offers the atonement to all, and someone can change their life by using the gift of the atonement. 2) The Lord didn’t ever promise us that if we lived the commandments and tried to be good, that we would never have trials. We are not guaranteed or promised a life where nothing ever goes wrong. What we ARE promised is this – that WHEN bad things happen (and they will, to all of us eventually), the Lord will be with us to guide us and help us through our trials. I believe the scriptures when say that God will be with us – He will stand with us and send angels to help us. I believe it, because I have experienced these things. If our hearts are set on God and Christ, their gift to us to help us through our trials will be the peace they send.
Misconception 3
When bad things happen to people, they must deserve it. That is so wrong! I battled with this idea and had to stop and realize the falsehood of this statement. It’s the kind of notion that Satan would put into our heads to get us to feel hopeless and to turn away from the Lord. Satan wants us to feel undeserving of blessings the Lord will send. He desires that we blame ourselves for every negative thing that happens in our lives, which will move us to a place of despair. I struggled with the idea that I must deserve this trial somehow. But that thought didn’t ring true, because there were innocent children involved, and they hadn’t had a chance to do anything wrong. They certainly did not deserve it and neither did I.
Misconception 4
We can always have control of our own lives, make sense of everything and find perfectly good explanations as to why things happen in our lives. The problem with this idea is that we want all things in our lives to make sense, but that is mostly impossible. Life experiences are fraught with consequences and outcomes for all kinds of reasons that don’t make sense. The “cause” of something and its’ subsequent “affect” can’t always be explained neatly. If we break the laws of the land, then there will be a consequence to our actions and a price that must be paid. But because of this “consequences” idea, we feel that there will always be a cause and effect to the way our lives go. If we obey the laws pertaining to driving, we may think that we will never get in an accident. That’s not true, because other peoples’ choices, mistakes or even just the conditions of the road may affect how they drive and what happens to them and in turn, what happens to us. Someone else may run into us for any number of reasons, and harm may be done and it may not be anyone’s fault. We want to quantify everything, to make sure all the things that happen in our lives can be put into a nice, neat little box where everything can be explained. I have learned that things can’t always be explained or made sense of. “Cause and affect” does not always apply. Life happens when we’re least expecting it, but that is also part of the Lord’s plan for us.
My trial felt like an injustice and it was unfair! And I don’t know why, but I didn’t feel to blame God for my troubles. I think it’s because I knew that I needed Him, He was my salvation to rise out of this mess. I couldn’t blame the God who would be the only one that could ultimately pull me out of this dark experience and help me to be happy again. I was desperate to be healed, and I knew my Savior was the only one who had the power to do that. We don’t need to feel broken because Christ is in our lives – He has sacrificed so that we are not broken and destroyed by the things that happen to us. The Lord never sees us as broken, he sees us as sons and daughters of God, and He suffered to make us whole.
Life is not fair – don’t look for life to be fair and equitable. Bad things DO happen to good people. It is part of our mortal existence. Life wasn’t meant to be about fairness. Fairness is irrelevant, because the tests and trials we have are a part of why we are on this earth. They teach us and stretch us and we must either give up, or try to hang on and learn from the experience. After a time, I learned to stop asking the “why me?” questions, and to start asking, “why not me?” Why should I be exempt from the trials of life, exempt from the tutoring moments from which I could learn and grow? Life is meant to be about learning and progression, to become sanctified through our refining. I learned that “unfair” things can eventually be made whole through the healing power of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
This Christian hymn spoke to my soul so many times:
“Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!
Even though it be a cross that raiseth me.
Still all my song shall be nearer, my God, to thee.
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee.
Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone,
Yet in my dreams I’d be nearer, my God, to thee.
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee.
There let the way appear, steps unto heaven;
All that thou sendest me, in mercy given;
Angels to beacon me nearer, my God, to thee.
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!”