I found myself in a position I never imagined I would be in, that of a single parent. I had never wanted anything more than to be a mother and a wife and have a family of my own. The very thing that was most important to me had been taken away and the children I spent my life serving, loving and cherishing had been harmed by the person that we should have been able to trust the very most. I worried that my children’s eternal happiness was at stake. How would the abuse and the loss of a father change them? Would they grow up happy and emotionally healthy? Would they ever be able to trust others?
The reality of being a single parent began to sink in. I was alone, left to raise my children by myself. I now carried the full responsibility of being mother and father to my children. There were challenges one would expect from the situation of single parenthood. Single parents are trying to “do it all”- to make a living, cook, clean, wash, care for and nurture. It was physically and mentally challenging to juggle schedules, working outside the home while caring for the children, take care of the bills, keep up a home and yard, etc., etc. etc. All of these were huge tasks, each having their own level of difficulty when trying to do it alone. It was so overwhelming! Yet I was blessed to have supportive parents and family, without whom I’m sure I would not have survived. My parents helped me so much. My father would help me with yard work and car repairs, my mother with caring for the children when I needed a sitter and other things too numerous to mention. They were supportive beyond measure. At the end of the day the fact still remained that I was the only parent left for my children.
In the beginning of a life changing event, no one knows exactly what will happen or how they will feel later on. My heart ached for what had been lost, a husband for me, a father for my children, the nucleus of what a family looked like in my mind. I could not consider Phil a father to my children any longer, because he would not be there for them or for me ever again. Not as a protector, a provider, a teacher, a partner and more importantly as the father of our family. Phil was actually someone we needed protection from. He would not be there to love us, but then I’m not sure he had ever known how to really love.
There would be many rough days ahead and nights of sadness, feeling so alone. This new kind of loneliness was interesting to me. I realized that I had often been lonely being married to Phil. There were fleeting moments where I felt that he and I were truly partners in our marriage, but I began to recognize that he had been rather aloof with me and the children. Prior to the truth coming forward, for a couple of years he had avoided making real heart felt connections with any of us most of the time. He would joke around and laugh things off, but the real depth of a true, sincere relationship was not there. The link from father to children and husband to wife hadn’t been a full bond between him and the rest of us. I realized that he had been distancing himself from all of us for quite a long time.
It was emotionally painful for me to see other families that were “complete” in my eyes. I wanted a companion that wanted to be with me, share our lives and grow old together. I wanted someone to enjoy raising the children as we watched them grow up and feel delight together in their lives. I needed and longed for help and support with the duties and responsibilities of raising a family. There were many years ahead, yearning for companionship and real love.
Due to this turn of events, I had to accept that as a mother I wouldn’t be able to do the kinds of things I had dreamed about. There was much pain associated with the fact that I wasn’t able to fully choose what I wanted to do as a mom. My desire to be involved in my children’s schools, to serve in the PTA, to volunteer in the classroom and school activities to support my children could not and would not happen. I had always wanted to go on field trips, plan class holiday parties and be at home when my children came home from school. I wanted to give them undivided attention when they got home from school and help them with homework, take them to lessons and be there to talk about their day. I did help them with homework and there were some lessons, but I was not able to be fully available to them as I had dreamed. And there were many late nights of washing clothes, cleaning and keeping up just to continue on the next day. It was never my desire to work outside the home.
Just because I never wanted to have a job and work outside the home, my intent is not to make judgments here or negative statements about working moms, single or married. I know they do double duty and their plates are so full! Some mothers work because they have to, and some work because they want to. That is a very personal decision that is made by families for many different reasons. I respect their choices for them and their families. Had grown up with a “stay at home” mom, and it had been my dream to do the same. Sometimes dreams have to change. We learn and grow from changing our dreams.
Sometimes religious leaders don’t exactly know how to relate to or deal with single mothers. I don’t blame anyone for this, I think it’s just that they aren’t sure how to talk to a woman who has total responsibility for her family and does not have a spouse. It may be equally as hard for single fathers, but I can’t speak for that. Most of my leaders were very supportive. Others didn’t know what to say to me. It was not my intention to ever be in this position, but it had been forced upon me. I found that while other families received important communications about various things going on in the neighborhood or in the congregation, I was unaware of things that would have been important for me to have known.
I fully support and sustain the family unit as I believe God intended it to be. I believe mothers and fathers should lead a family together. Both parents have a vital role to play in the support, love and nurturing of a child. I wanted that full family unit for myself. I know things have changed in the last 30 years and single parents are widely accepted now, but at the time it was hard to be single in a church where most people are married. There were times that church members didn’t know what to say to me or how to interact with me. Some were welcoming, others were distant. (What do you say to someone who has just found out their husband is a liar, cheat and pedophile?) Somehow it is easier to show compassion and relate to a person that has lost a loved one to a death. But I had lost a loved one to sin, to indescribable evil and wickedness. He was still alive, but his soul had been sold to Satan and he wasn’t coming back. Not back to me as a husband, not to his children as a father, not to his parents as a present son or any of his siblings as a beloved brother. I did not fit the mold of what a regular family looked like. And then I had to deal with the stigma of an ex-husband that had gone to prison. People just didn’t know what to say to me, so most of the time they said nothing. I don’t blame them, because I know they were uncomfortable with the situation. But if I could give one word of advice to people, Christians or not, about how to interact with people that are going through a hard time, I would ask them to please just reach out and let those people know that you care. That’s all… just simply let them know that you’re thinking about them, hoping the best for them and that you do care about them. That kindness would go a long way when someone feels that they no longer “fit in”.
I had to shed the insecurities of not fitting in, because the more I perceived that I didn’t fit in, the more it became my reality. I felt like I didn’t fit in for so long and I guess in a way I didn’t. But then the thought came…what is our idea of “fitting in”? Fitting into what? We want to be welcomed and have friends, connect with others. But I found I was happier by just being myself, by trying to be the person that God created me to be. I don’t think I am the only one who has had this problem – many people feel insecure about who they are for various reasons. Trying to fit into someone’s mold of who we “should” be is exhausting and unproductive. Trying to fit into the world’s ideas of what makes a “real woman” is off the mark of what God would want for us. We don’t need to try and be like someone else or look like someone else, thinking that will make us more acceptable. I found that God loved me for who I was – Sophia Lance was good enough for him! If I was acceptable to Heavenly Father then it didn’t matter if I was acceptable to anyone else. My caution to others is this: don’t be taken in by what the world thinks you should be, especially when you’re going through trials. You will feel like a misfit, maybe unworthy or unloved – Satan will make sure of that. Don’t take anyone else’s opinion of you or assume that people are thinking bad things about you (though in their lack of understanding they might be thinking ill of you). Turn to God and ask Him if He loves you. The answer will astound and comfort you. You will find that God loves YOU. Be grateful for the child of God that you are! He doesn’t want us to be something that we aren’t. He wants us to be His child and He wants us to be the best person we can be, no matter what our circumstance. The “best person we can be” will change from time to time as we progress and grow each day, learning, improving, making mistakes and then trying again. We don’t have to be perfect in order for God to love us. He loves us unconditionally.
If we think of the important people in history that made a difference in the world (I’m not talking about movie stars, political figures or famous athletes), the people that made discoveries or advances in civilization that changed our lives, they were often people that “didn’t fit in” the mainstream. They were inventive, creative and didn’t always follow “the norm”. They used their God given gifts and talents to bless the world but were often thought of as misfits.
As a single parent, I also discovered that I had to look for ways to be included. I had to reach out and join in, even if it felt awkward sometimes. Many times I would become offended by something that someone said, and I would take things personally that weren’t really directed at me. In my pain, I was a bit too sensitive, and I had to stop myself and look for the upside of things in people’s comments and in uncomfortable situations. I had to let the Lord inspire me about how I could feel comfortable. In prayer I would ask that He would help me to feel at peace in areas where I was uneasy.
I also learned another valuable lesson – not to judge others. As I looked around at friends and church members, even people outside my circle, I knew they really didn’t know what I had been through. I couldn’t expect them to. If they had no true idea of what I had been through, how could I look around and judge others, not knowing their life experiences and what their trials were? I knew that I did not want to be judged for what was happening to me and my children, so I determined that I would not judge. I would have compassion for others rather than waste my time thinking ill of them or blaming them for their behaviors. I learned that the Lord truly is my Shepherd and His presence in my life will fill me enough.