In the days of my life before the beginning of this trial, I would never have considered getting a divorce as a part of my life. That was unthinkable, not a choice I would ever make. If my marriage came on hard times, we would do what it took towork it out. I took this marriage seriously, and I treasured my husband and family. But then again, this situation was a little more serious than the regular description of “hard times”, and I had a decision to make.
Though my husband had certainly broken his marriage covenants to me and the promise he made to be a good and loving father, I was concerned about breaking my marriage covenants. Some might say that divorce was just “a given” in this case and I had every reason to leave the marriage behind. It should be over and done. For everyone else it would be a “no questions asked” situation and it would have been fine and acceptable for me to get a divorce. In fact I should do it NOW, quickly, and get it done as soon as possible. But I wanted my answer to come from the Lord. I knew that if my answer was from the Lord, I would never have to wonder if I had done the right thing or question my decision. Though Phil had tried to convince me that everything would be OK and our little family would be fine in years to come, I knew that was a lie. I wasn’t clueless about the serious nature of what Phil had done and it wasn’t as though I thought that we could start over, or even that I wanted to start over with him and keep my family in tact as I knew it. I had dismissed his efforts to manipulate me into believing him about anything any longer. But I needed the answer to be mine, so I prayed earnestly to know whether or not I should divorce Phil. Looking back, it seems absurd to me that I just didn’t make a decision about the marriage outright as the answer is so obvious to me now. Yet at that time my choice to include God in my life regarding this decision proved to be a catalyst for my relationship with God in the future, a relationship that I needed and treasure every day.
The answer to my prayer came to me more powerfully than any other answer to prayer in my life. I knew I must divorce Phil. The answer was a relief and I could end this relationship that had never been what I thought it had been. God knew about Phil’s depraved choices, and He wanted me and my children away from Phil permanently. I can’t imagine how depressing my life would have been if I had remained married to Phil – the worry, the fear, the creepy feelings would have always remained. I never could have trusted Phil again, and I loved my children too much to ever put them at risk again. It makes me sick to think of it.
There were new realities I must face. Though divorcing was the right choice, there were also new fears and unknowns I would have to accept and work through. There were concerns about my financial security – that was one fear, yet financial security was going to be gone anyway because it seemed inevitable that Phil would be going to prison. Financial worries could never be a consideration to hold me in the relationship. The fear of being alone would be my reality whether I stayed in the relationship or whether I left. He would be gone for a long time. The fear of not having a father for my children was sad to me, but he was not and could never be the kind of father I wanted for my children. The fear of being looked at in a different way…being a single, divorced mom and wondering how I would fit into the world, my community and church congregation. Single parenthood was not as common then as it is now, so I would be in the minority in my community. Maybe that shouldn’t have felt uncomfortable, but it was. The fear of not having someone to love me and my children – this was the most painful of all, but I began to understand that pedophiles don’t have the same kind of feelings of love that other members of the human race have. They are consumed by their need to control and have control over another human being. Real love as I know love isn’t a part of their actions or what they feel, so my fear of not being loved was already my reality.
I began to understand more about Phil’s psyche. He liked making friends and being accepted, but his capacity to care and feel love were impaired by his inner monsters. He was good at acting as if he was an honorable part of the community, but I doubt he ever understood what real love is. His perceptions of love were definitely marred by immoral thoughts and eventually actions. I think he had visions of grandeur and started picturing himself as someone who could do whatever he pleased without any penalty or repercussions. He thought people would love him and admire him, and he could get away with whatever behavior he chose. He would never be caught because he was too clever. The counseling I received helped me to understand that Phil unfortunately fit in the category of narcissism, one who thinks more of himself than others. The dictionary describes narcissism as “inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love.” He was now classified as a pedophile, that was a stark truth to deal with. He knew he had a weakness and had a sexually deviant nature toward children, and he was trying to make sure that his life looked as normal as possible, and looked good in the eyes of others. I believe that marrying me was for convenience and to make a show of normalcy. Having children would further that deception. Love didn’t enter into the equation.
Divorce is difficult under any circumstance. After my divorce was final, I thought I would have the desire to encourage others to do the same, to leave their bad marriages behind for whatever reason. But I didn’t feel that way at all. I found myself wishing that couples could work out their differences and be happily married. The truth is that sometimes that just doesn’t work, and divorce must happen in order for people to begin again. I believe that God wants us to give our marriages the best we have. If things happen and the marriage ends, I think God wants us to pick ourselves up and find happiness and blessings wherever we can. It takes courage to end a life’s dream and create a new one. It takes faith to look up and see hope beyond the obstacles of our “nows”.