Forgiveness is a big concept with a lot of complicated emotions attached to it. Forgiveness often takes time. It can feel like a long, strenuous uphill hike on a never ending path. There are amazing stories of people who have forgiven their offenders quickly in terrible circumstances. I was not one of those.
The Lord teaches us in the scriptures that to forgive is important and is necessary for our own salvation. The New Testament, book of Mark, 11:26 instructs us that forgiveness is important, “…if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.” That’s a powerful message, that in order to be forgiven of our trespasses, we are required to forgive others of theirs. That may feel like a great burden in some cases of needed forgiveness, yet we all need forgiveness. We all make mistakes and none of us is perfect, and we hope that Father in Heaven will forgive our wrongs. Repentance is something we all must do in order to dwell in Father’s presence. Repentance restores the soul. Forgiveness heals the soul.
Christ teaches us in the scriptures that of us it is required to forgive ”seventy times seven”, Matthew 18:22. I think what He trying to say is that we should never stop forgiving. There isn’t a magical number that if we reach it we can stop forgiving others. Just as repentance is an on-going daily process, forgiving must be the same and should be practiced whenever the need arises. Some offenses may be easier to forgive than others. Depending on the severity of the offense, it may seem impossible and will take time, sometimes a very long time. For me, I thought my forgiveness of what Phil had done could never happen. How could I forgive someone who had wounded these beautiful children in my family? How could he harm my babies who I carried, who I brought into the world and nurtured and loved more anything else in life? How could he wound one of his own? Was he a monster that didn’t have a soul or any feeling of real love? Could or should someone like that be forgiven at all? So many questions, so much emotional mire to wade through.
The idea that I couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to forgive weighed heavily on my mind. I felt hatred creeping in, bringing with it a dark feeling in my soul. This hatred was not an emotion I was familiar with, and it was not comfortable inside me or welcome in my heart. I prayed to understand how Heavenly Father would want me to think and feel. It was a struggle, a battle between my hurt and my heart.
One day as I was expressing this inner battle to a friend, she reminded me of the story of Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian Dutch woman who hid Jews during the Second World War. Her story is written in the book, “The Hiding Place”. I had read the story many years before and recalled the sickening but amazing tale of this woman. Corrie was not a Jew herself, but was sent to a concentration camp during WWII because she had been hiding Jews from the Nazis. Her story is worth reading time and time again, and is a story of amazing faith in the face of oppressive odds. She lives through terrible conditions in the concentration camp, but remains alive after the war ends. She then makes it her mission to share her message of hope in Christ, and how His words were her guide during the horrors of the time she spent in the camp. Her message is one of redemption and the power of the atonement, that all can be forgiven through Christ.
After the war, Corrie traveled throughout Europe and the U.S. telling her story and sharing the message of forgiveness. At a church in Munich after one of her speeches, she recognizes one of the attendees to be the former S.S. man who had been one of her cruel guards and jailers in the camp. He approaches her as the church is emptying. He beams as he thanks her for her message that Christ has washed even his sins away. He extends his hand to shake hers, and she cannot take his hand. She feels anger and sees her own sin in the vengeful feelings she has towards this man. He doesn’t appear to know her, but she certainly remembers him well. Her speech at the church has been about Christ and His forgiveness, but she cannot even raise her hand as she recognizes her own lack of forgiveness for this man. She tries to smile and prays a silent prayer, telling Christ that she cannot forgive this man and asks that Christ give her His forgiveness.
An amazing thing happens as Corrie takes this man’s hand. She feels a current go through him to her, and a sudden love for her jailer comes into her heart. How miraculous! Her prayer, full of sincerity had been answered and she had felt the miracle of forgiving the man right then and there! After my ordeal, I wondered how she could have this change of heart and feel love for this man. Hers is an incredible story, and was an inspiration to me. If she couldn’t forgive such as I couldn’t forgive, but could pray for Christ’s forgiveness to help her, then maybe I could do the same.
So I prayed as Carrie had prayed, asking for help from the Lord. My prayers no longer asked the Lord to help me forgive (as that seemed impossible), but I asked that this burden of forgiveness be transferred from me, to Christ. I asked that this emotional load I carried be placed at Christ’s feet, and I gave it away to Him. Forgiveness for Phil was a great burden for me, and I could not carry it on my own. But I had a different experience than Corrie did, and it wasn’t just suddenly done. My prayers about this were not a “one time” miraculous occurrence of sudden forgiveness. I had to ask for this over and over again, placing my burden at His feet and giving it away to Christ time after time, but I had full faith that the Lord could help lift this burden and help me begin my journey of forgiveness.
As I began giving this burden to the Lord, I felt free. Free from the weight of the oppression I had felt. I found that because I had given my burden to the Lord, the hatred didn’t stay inside me. I believe forgiveness began in my heart because I had given it to Christ to carry. I know that I couldn’t have done it on my own, but it was a beginning on my path to forgiveness that would continue. As I continued down that path, I was able to go on with life and live it rather than staying stuck in my feelings of anger and hurt. I began to feel some happiness, gratitude that I had my beautiful children and the many blessings that the Lord had heaped upon me. There was so much to be thankful for.
Though my forgiveness of Phil hasn’t come all at once, it has come line upon line. There have been many times when my children or other children abused by Phil have gone through difficult times because of the abuse, and when those things happened it seemed that I took a step back in my progression to forgive him. I know I haven’t completely finished the process of forgiving him, but I have come a long way on my “forgiveness path”, and my desire is that at some point in the future it will finally be complete. I know that the Lord understands that I am trying to forgive. My desire is to do the Lord’s will, and my hope is that someday I will be able to say with certainty that my forgiveness of Phil is complete.
It is difficult not to harbor ill feelings towards someone that has wounded us. An offense may play over and over in our minds – it affects not only our emotional state of mind but our physical cells as well. It can affect our health and bring us into a time of “dis-ease” in our bodies, making us physically ill. It’s easy to get difficult thoughts and feelings stuck in a loop that constantly go around and around in our brains because we feel we have been wronged, especially when we have been wronged. With God’s help, we can let go of some things that will keep us in a state of misery and gloom. As you pray to forgive others, ask Heavenly Father to help adjust your “personal filters” that can change your thoughts from hurt, anger and frustration towards an offender into compassion and kindness. Allow the miracle of Christ’s atoning gift to enter your heart. Let Him speak understanding to your mind and invite His suffering to be your healing. It is possible that the perpetrator that has hurt us has also been hurt themselves at some point in their lives and hasn’t received the help they needed to heal their own problems. They may not have ever felt the pure love of God in their hearts.
I have also learned this…our forgiveness of someone cannot be conditional on the offenders’ willingness to admit their offense, or even their desire to say they are sorry. We can’t wait for them to “come around”, to feel remorse over what they have done, because that may never happen. We are the ones that have to take the step toward forgiveness, for our own sanity, peace of mind and preservation of our soul. Forgiving our offenders may not change them, but it will bring peace and light to us.
We must also be willing to forgive ourselves for taking time to forgive. The secret on the path of forgiveness is to keep asking The Lord to help you in the process. Often we have to first work on having the desire to forgive someone who has wronged us or a loved one. If we don’t want to forgive others, then we can pray to the Lord and ask Him to give us the desire to forgive. If we sincerely desire to forgive those that wronged us and take even small steps toward forgiveness, the Lord is happy with our progression. Remember – Jesus is our brother and wants the very best for us. If we are trying and working toward forgiveness, then He will rejoice with us. My healing over this will likely take me the rest of my life, and may not be total in this life – it may not be complete until the next life. The Lord can take away our heavy burdens when we can’t forgive on our own, and He can replace the hatred we feel with His love. He is waiting for the invitation to help us.
Some of us are afraid that if we can’t fully forgive right now, that we have failed. Not true! That message comes from Satan – he wants us to fail, to be hopeless and give up. Satan wants hatred to continue in our hearts. If we remain on Satan’s path, he will have finally won us. The Lord on the other hand wants happiness for us. He wants us to start on a path of forgiveness. Once again, it’s dark verses light. Satan is the darkness, Christ is the light.
I felt great sadness for what Phil had thrown away. Whether or not Phil will ever fully repent of these depravities, I do not know. Unless there is full repentance on his part in the future, he may have exchanged his eternal heritage for an earthly binding that will keep his soul imprisoned. I feel pity for him. He cannot be released from his eternal prison until he gives his own burden to Christ.
I’m grateful every day that I chose to embark upon the path of forgiveness, the path that leads me to Christ.
There is definately a lot to learn about this topic. I really like all of the points you made. Darcee Noble Vonni