In Webster’s dictionary, the definition of Truth is: The true or actual state of a matter; conformity with fact or reality; a verified or indisputable fact.
The truth is something that actually is – it’s a fact. Truth is the honest state of something. Sometimes in the world we are taught truths that appear to be truths at the time and for the age in which they are taught. Then we learn that some things once thought of as truths are later changed as new information is revealed or discovered.
One of my interests growing up was astronomy. Our earth is a part of a solar system that revolves around a sun. The idea that this sun generated light, energy and heat from which we benefited was fascinating to me. But even more interesting was the idea that our planet earth was the only planet in the solar system that was 1) just the right distance from the sun to sustain human life and 2) not to be destroyed by it. Our planet has just the right conditions to provide the life-giving necessities to maintain life on the planet as we know it. The other planets in our solar system are too volatile to do the same. Many years ago there was the idea that our earth was the one and only planet that could possibly be like this in all the universe. The logic of the time would ask, “what are the chances of finding other planets, solar systems and stars that would function with such equal precision?” It seemed highly improbable.
Then slowly those ideas, those limited views started to change. Scientists began wondering about the potential that there might be other solar systems, other planets like ours. The Hubble Telescope was invented and sent out into space. It began sending back pictures of incredible possibilities, stars much larger than our sun, planets that also revolved around a star, and too many solar systems to count. For many years prior to this, our church leaders talked about “numberless” worlds, and then it seems that science caught up with that thought. In the 1990’s I remember seeing a magazine with new pictures from Hubble. It showed a portion of space that was the least populated area of space, and still there were millions of stars in that one picture. The caption read, “Worlds Without Number”. The things that were once considered the truth about space have changed as our knowledge about the subject increases.
Our understanding of space is just one of the many things that have changed through the years. Discoveries about health, exercise, medical knowledge, the human body, earlier civilizations, weather, the ocean, etc., etc., etc. have changed the truths about these subjects that existed in an earlier time. What the world perceived as truth is no longer the truth. Many truths in the world are temporary at best.
Real truths do not change. They are constant and reassuring. As the truths in the world keep changing, the truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ do not change. We can rely on the gospel truths in a way that we cannot rely on others. They are truths of light which bring happiness, healing and salvation. Gospel truths are not temporary, but eternal, and though we cannot physically see them, the concepts of these truths are more real and more tangible than the things we can see. Jesus Christ is light and truth. Gospel truth and light is the only thing that will lead us to ultimate healing. Eternal truths are these: Heavenly Father is our eternal Father in Heaven. We are His spirit children and lived with Him in a pre-mortal state before we came to this earth. Jesus Christ is our brother. He loves us and gave His life for us. He felt our pains, our sadness, our sorrows and knows us intimately. The things that Christ taught are truths of light, which are the most important and wonderful truths we can have in our lives. We can always turn to Him to give us the truths needed to guide us through our mortal existence. Accepting His truths changes our lives for the better.
In my experience, there seemed to be two kinds of truth pertaining to my trial. There were those truths of light, which I clung to. The light they brought sustained me. But there were also dark truths about the terrible things that had happened. Like it or not, these truths from the darkness were also real. Dark truths are in direct opposition to gospel truths. They bring misery, sadness and pain. Satan is the master of these dark truths, and he doesn’t like truths of light at all, so he lies about the truths of light and tries to convince us that they are not real.
The truth of a dark matter must be accepted in order to move toward the truth of the light and rediscover the truth of happiness and joy. Truths of darkness and pain are hard to accept and hard to bear. It is difficult to feel the painful truth of something, to accept it when it is hard. The scriptures tell us that sometimes the truth is hard to bear, especially when it is uncomfortable because we are not in line with the gospel principles. But other times, through no fault of our own we must go through trials that are accompanied by truths that are also hard to bear. I believe that abuse comes with an ugly truth that is hard to bear. But truths of light can overcome dark and ugly truths.
After finding out the truth of Phil’s abuse, it was not easy for me to admit to or say, “My husband has been involved in sexual abuse of children”. It was also hard to admit that some of the abuse had been going on right under my own roof and I didn’t know it. I believe I didn’t see the truth of what was happening because it was beyond my point of reference. Never had I been exposed to anything even mildly similar to sexual abuse, and I could never have imagined that it would be happening to my children and children of people I loved, especially at the hand of their father or friend. Sometimes we ignore things in our lives that are uncomfortable when we don’t want to deal with them. This was not the case with me. Originally I didn’t know that the abuse was happening – it was always done in secret. But I also didn’t “see” it, because I wouldn’t have been able to understand the depth of the evil being perpetrated, nor did I recognize the signs of sexual abuse at the time.
In spite of all that, I was still left with a terrible, painful truth. The abuse had happened and would affect those children that were abused for a long time to come. I had a choice to make – I could accept that sickening truth and try to deal with it, or I could run away from it, bury it and pretend it never happened. I didn’t have to think about this for long, because my better logic, my common sense told me that I could not ignore this. It would not serve me well and more importantly it would not benefit my children in any way to pretend that it hadn’t happened. If this ugly truth was ignored, they could be stuck in a cycle of non-recovery and possibly lead them to a dysfunctional life for the rest of their lives. I had to accept the truth, however difficult it was and deal with it for their sakes. I knew that if I didn’t accept the truth, they would never be able to be free of this demon.
To recover from painful experiences like abuse, it is vital to acknowledge the truth, in spite how painful it is. For some, accepting this dark truth may be almost as painful as the abuse was in the first place. Our first inclination may be to ignore the truth or pretend that it didn’t happen. Or the thought, “If I don’t acknowledge the abuse, then it will just go away.” Dark experiences like abuse don’t just go away, but need some healthy intervention. Pretending it didn’t happen or that it didn’t create a problem in the abused child or adult will absolutely not make it go away. Trying to “sweep it under the rug” or hide it in a corner of the closet just makes the problem that much harder as time passes, and the victim of the abuse continues to suffer.
One day when I was reading in the New Testament, John 8:32, I read, “And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” When I read that scripture over thirty years ago, I felt it was talking directly to me. The context of that scripture is Christ talking to the Jews, telling them that if they would accept the truth of the gospel and His message, it would make them free. But I had such a strong feeling that this particular scripture referred to my situation as well. If I was able to face the truth and the ugliness of what had happened, work through the pain, calling upon the Lord for help and guidance, then eventually my children and I could be free of the hideous truth that lay before us. Accepting, or maybe the better word is acknowledging the truth, would surely make us free from the ugly bondage that could hold us.
Acceptance and acknowledging helped us to face the truth so that we could work through it and deal with all the feelings involved. Acceptance of it helped to take away some of the burden of the abuse, because we were able to admit that we did not take part in the plan and evil intents of the perpetrator. We were victims of his abusive actions. It was not easy to accept and it wouldn’t just be forgotten. But in the accepting, the acknowledging, the telling and the grieving over what had happened, it allowed us to lay it all out, understand our victim role and take steps so we could go on with life. Accepting and acknowleding the truth helped us to get past the past. The darkness was out in the open and exposed for what it was, thus allowing light to come in and takes its’ place. There were better truths of light that would help my family to heal if I embraced the truths of light.
As children work through the emotions about their abuse and their abusers, it is confusing and upsetting. If children are very young they may not know how to express their feelings about what happened to them. Depending on their age, they may not know the words to use and can’t vocalize what’s happened. They don’t understand it themselves. Children need to be allowed the opportunity when they are ready to talk about it and express how it made them feel.
The truth of abuse is like a large boulder that has been dropped on us, trying to smother and smash us. We can stay under that rock in the dark, feeling shattered. The rock is so heavy and such a great burden, and it is dark under the rock. But if we stay under that rock, it may destroy the very child of God that we are. Bit by bit we must move the “dirt”, dig our way out and crawl out from under that rock. Then we must climb to the top of it and use this rock as a stepping stone to rise higher and closer to God. From this perspective on top of the rock and out in the light, we can look to the healing power of Christ that will allow us to feel joy once again. Going on with life doesn’t mean forgetting. It means overcoming the thoughts that keep us stuck in the darkness. It means choosing to see Christ’s light which will help keep the darkness at bay and give our attention to the much preferred light of Christ.
Rejecting the truth will not bring peace, even if the truth is difficult to admit and deal with. Healing cannot come without total acknowledgment of the truth, good or bad. Accepting truth allows the next and most vital step, which is to heal. Pretending that there isn’t a problem doesn’t even leave us stagnant, it pulls us down. Whatever our trials are, we cannot get past them without accepting the truth, especially when it is hard.
When abuse is happening, the truth needs to be exposed. That is part of my reason for writing this blog. I admire people that stand up for those that have been abused – we need people to defend the children and others being harmed in such terrible ways. When I first found out about what was happening, I just wanted to hide my head in a hole or run away from life. The truth of Phil’s abuse was emotionally exhausting. I was so afraid of the truth being exposed because of the stigma that may follow and the embarrassment that I felt. As much as I wanted to run, I didn’t run away. I stood up to stop the abuse in my own way, working quietly with my children to help them heal. I didn’t have the emotional energy to do anything else but to help my children and myself, and I felt at the time that my devotions needed to be placed with my children. It was not an appropriate time for me to proclaim the dangers of abuse from the rooftops.
I do not claim to be a professional about the psychology of abuse. But because of my connection to the subject matter of this trial, I have studied many different sources regarding sexual abuse and the process of healing from trials such as this. I feel qualified through my study and my own experience to speak about them. I would like to share four steps that allowed me to deal with the truth of what I had been left with, and how it helped to heal me and my children.
Step 1
Admit that the abuse happened and the sadness and anger you feel about it. You don’t have to bring to your mind all the old memories and re-live them – doing that feels oppressive. But we do need to admit when bad things have happened, that they’ve have had a negative impact on us and brought darkness into our hearts. That’s the truth about what abuse does. We can’t change what happened, but we can start to change US and the way we feel about ourselves and the way we see ourselves. This begins by believing in ourselves and with the help of our Savior. We must pray for the desire to be in the light of Christ and invite that light, and we must pray to shed the dark that was invited into our lives through the abusive experience.
Step 2
Know that YOU are not the abuse. You did not ask for the abuse, you did not want the abuse. Remind yourself of this truth. Don’t let Satan creep in and tell you that you wanted the abuse – he is dirty enough to try that. You never wanted to be abused in any way. Satan will take a dark situation and use it against you in any way he can to pull you away from the light. You are a child of light, of God. Though the abuse happened, you don’t want to keep it in your life or have it haunt you for the rest of your life. Look into the mirror and talk to yourself, tell yourself that you are not the abuse. You were victimized, but you choose not to be the victim any longer.
You can repeat these words or create what is most applicable for you: “I choose to acknowledge that it happened to me, but I choose not to remain a victim of abuse. I choose to rise above the darkness that someone else brought into my life. I choose to be in the light and look to God to heal me. I choose to be the light that God meant for me to be. I choose to be the best of everything I have always wanted to be and that my life will not be determined by the abuse. I CHOOSE! I do not let my abuser choose for me any longer, but I choose to be me – happy, content, loving. God loves ME. I choose to love myself as God loves me and be in His light, to bring into my life whatever will bring the light, and send the darkness away.”
Step 3
Embrace yourself, the beautiful child of God that you are! All that has happened in your life, good or ill, embrace it. It’s partially made you who you are and will affect who you will become. Embracing doesn’t mean holding on to it forever, it means accepting it and keeping what you can from the experience, but keeping only the things that will help you to move forward and rise above it. Think of the positive things that you have learned from this experience and allow yourself to be taught by them. We are meant to change. We are meant to progress. We are not meant to stay stagnant or sad or depressed. God wants us to be happy! You are His child and He wants the best for you. He knows that you can grow and learn from your experiences. He knows that you have within you the ability to be a God or a Goddess. We cannot become all that we were meant to be without our trials, because they teach us. We are in an earthly classroom where we experience opposites. We learn the differences between good and evil, sorrow and pain, health and sickness. We learn from ALL our experiences, not just the good ones. In fact, how can we know what good really is without understanding the darkness as well? In all your experiences, find the things that will help you grow, and embrace them.
Step 4
Love yourself! Don’t be afraid to love you. It’s not conceited and it’s not bad to love yourself. It’s important, because we have to love ourselves in order to love others. And we must love ourselves in order to fully love God. We are daughters and sons of God and we belong to Him. So love yourself, because He loves you and thinks you are worth loving, and you are His. He gave His Son for you so that you can return to live with Him in heaven! That is more love than we can possibly comprehend.
Lastly, don’t stay in a victim role. I think we use the word “victim” for lack of a better word, but being a victim of a crime in this world often attributes to the belief that all is lost. Being a victim means we have been victimized, but it doesn’t mean we have to stay in a victim role. We can crawl out from under that rock of abuse, and be free through the loving atonement of Jesus Christ. Don’t be afraid or hesitant to get help from a good professional, someone that can talk you through this difficult subject. I believe that our Father in Heaven gave us gifts to work through the pain of abuse. One of those may be a trained professional. Other gifts that can be used to heal may be your own talents and abilities, something positive where you can channel your focus and bring happiness to your heart. The most important healing gift is the miracle of the Atonement through His son, Jesus Christ. Ask for His divine help and guidance so that you can recover from the abuse.
The truth can make us free. This may seem like an odd concept in the case of abuse, but acknowledging it and rising above it will make us free from the clutches of the darkness of abuse. Ignoring it or pretending that it didn’t happen will only keep us in its’ grasp. We can be free, because we have this saving truth – Jesus Christ, our Redeemer lives!