I think when people use the word “abuse”, it congers up various things for different people depending on their perspectives in life. When I speak of abuse, I am not talking about the appropriate and acceptable processes of disciplining a child and I’m not referring to an occasional reprimand used as a teaching tool for improper behavior. I am talking about severe, forced and manipulative abuse that perpetrators impose upon individuals, be they children or adults.
Children are born into this world pure and undefiled. They have a natural curiosity and wonder, and are open and vulnerable to taking in all they see and learn. Children are gifts that we are to treasure and love. They are to be cared for and nourished as they grow and learn to become responsible adults. Children should be allowed to flourish in a loving environment where they can be taught how to achieve their heavenly potential. That is my opinion and my hope, though it is often not an earthy reality.
As a child is sexually abused, the abuser places a heavy burden on the child’s young mind. The abuse is devastating as it invites the adversary, pure evil to come into their lives. Prior to his contact with others, the perpetrator has already welcomed Satan’s minions into his own heart. As he carries those evil spirits with him, they follow and try to have place in those that are being abused. The dark spirits have been invited by the perpetrator and they do not want to leave, but they desire to take up residence in a new host. Their goal is to bring about sorrow and pain to an individual and to introduce every bad thing possible while delighting in our anguish and afflictions. Dark spirits don’t care if they hurt children, babies or adults, no matter their ethnicity or background – they are no respecter of persons. Their purpose and objective is to ruin the lives of every human being on this earth.
I believe that Phil knew what he was doing was wrong. I also believe that once an abuser has begun deviant behavior, Satan begins his powerful hold upon him or her. It’s possible that not all perpetrators know what they’re doing is wrong, because they may not have been taught right from wrong. But Phil knew, and the more he abused, the more Satan helped him to rationalize that what he was doing wasn’t wrong. He learned to be two faced, to compartmentalize his life into two parts. One minute he could be the good guy everyone liked and admired and the next minute he would be the pedophile, but always covering up his abhorrent behaviors. I don’t believe when Phil and I married that his abusive streak had begun. I think it began around the second or third year of our marriage. Once he began, he hid his abnormal actions behind his talents and the life he had created for himself. He was good at showing himself to the world the way he wanted to be seen. He was the great pretender just like his new master.
I don’t know if abusers realize they have sold themselves to Satan. They think they are all powerful and have control and power over others. They believe they will not be caught in their repugnant behavior because they are much smarter than everyone else and can easily manipulate others and make themselves believable. Often they are narcissists and feel they are the most important person in life and delight in having control over someone else, which makes them feel powerful and mighty. The reality is this – they are the ones being controlled by the master of evil. Abusers have actually lost all control as they have given in to the lies and deceptions of the master of control. Satan only desires to ruin lives and make a fool of others. He loves to make people think that they have all power when they are actually a puppet for Satan every time they give in to their own weaknesses. The abuser choses temporary self-pleasure to gratify, not understanding that he/she is trading that in and will lose everything else – all honor, all integrity, all the most important qualities that Christ taught us to have. A dear friend wrote me a card stating that he thought Phil had given up all he had, like Esau in The Old Testament, selling his birthright for a mess of pottage. What a tragedy.
A perpetrator is usually someone the child knows. It may be a father, uncle, family friend, grandfather, step father, close neighbor, etc. Abusers come from every walk of life. They come from every socio-economic background and can be in our circle of family, friends, community leaders or our next door neighbor. They aren’t just one “type” of person. Some may be highly esteemed professionals in their vocation. Seemingly nice people may be a child abuser. Perpetrators do not always appear to be scary looking people with anger in their eyes, or monsters as we see in the movies. They are people we know and trust, and they know this and use that trust to access their victim. How many times have you heard news stories of a neighborhood in shock because their “quiet, nice neighbor who never caused any problems” ended up in a domestic violence situation and someone got hurt or even killed? Abusers hide behind the facade they have created to conceal their intentions. A few years ago a man who had known Phil in his college years commented to me, “It’s too bad about Phil. He was such a nice person with a little problem.” As he walked away I was shocked at his lack of understanding and his insensitivity to me and my children and the trauma we were left to deal with. Perpetrators that hurt children are not “nice people with a little problem”. They are dangerous people with a big problem. Don’t assume that if someone is friendly that they are safe and trustworthy. They will use our trust to their advantage. People’s perceptions about this entire subject are often incorrect.
Pedophiles often “groom” their victims by appearing to be kind and by showing extra special attention to the child. Sometimes perpetrators will go out of their way to find specific things the child enjoys doing and providing that activity for the child and himself to do together. They establish a point of enjoyment and trust. An abuser may not use threatening language, but rather lie to the child saying that sexual interaction between adult and child is the way they show love to each other. Perpetrators often give a warning to the child not to tell anyone, because others may not understand this type of “love” between them. This was Phil’s mode of operation, which was also his way of protecting himself from others finding out the truth. Another approach an abuser may use may be to threaten the child, telling them that harm may come to the child or their beloved family members if they tell about the abuse. It’s plain evil. It makes no sense to me, none of it ever did.
Be watchful for the signs of sexual abuse in a child. The signs vary widely. Abused children may have low self-esteem. They may feel dirty and try to wash their hands so hard they make their skin bleed. They may feel damaged and are not able to trust others. They may have a hard time concentrating on school work or a task, and seem distant in their thoughts. The behavior of an abused child may be out of control, expressing themselves through anger or bursts of rage. Or they may be withdrawn as their emotions quietly simmer underneath the surface, holding back feelings or experiences they can’t express outwardly. Abused children may actually start talking to others (likely friends their own age) about “sex” when they shouldn’t know anything about it at their age, feeling that they have something to share that others don’t yet know about. They may act inappropriately with their own bodies. Abused children sometimes express themselves in strange ways because their minds are confused as a result of what has happened to them. They may become secretive, withdrawn or clingy. They may have changes in their eating habits or bathroom habits. Children may become fearful and have sleeping problems and nightmares. Any one of these things alone doesn’t mean a child has been sexually abused, but if you suspect that a child is insecure, displays some of these signs or has an unusual problem, then it is time to ask questions.
An abusive experience is always a dark one. It sets up patterns within our very DNA that make it difficult to shed the darkness of what has been done. Children often don’t tell about their abusive experiences. Sometimes they will mention it and tell about it, but often they keep it inside afraid to tell an adult. A child may admit to the abuse one moment, and the next moment they may recant and deny what they have said. Even if the perpetrator convinces them that a sexual act is “ok” between them, I think a child knows deep down inside that it is not right. They may feel guilt, as if the abuse is their own doing or their fault and they are too embarrassed to mention it to anyone. That is a lot of heavy weight upon their shoulders! It may take years for an abuse victim to admit what has happened to them. I had a fifty year old friend confess to me that her grandfather abused her when she was a child and she’d never told anyone until she was much older. Even siblings that are both being abused usually don’t talk to each other about the abuse they have both suffered, although they may have known the other sibling was being abused as well. It is frightening for them to admit to being a victim of abuse.
There are a wide range of different types of abuse. Abuse can be physical, sexual, mental, emotional or spiritual. Abuse from one person to another is not always obvious. Treating someone in a demeaning or disrespectful way can be abusive. Spouses that are not loyal to each other are abusive through their actions as they break their promises to their spouse and their marriage vows. Often abusers don’t like to admit or accept that their behaviors are damaging to others. They may try to make light of the abuse and say that nothing was really harmed, it was just their personal decision to live their lives the way they chose. Whatever the abuse may be, it is always hurtful and harmful. My children were sexually abused without my knowledge, and I was emotionally abused and lied to without understanding what was happening.
Looking back I didn’t see at the time that Phil was abusing me emotionally. It began slowly – he would demean my feelings by making light of things I told him. He would dismiss my opinions or treat me as if I was silly and stupid. In a very subtle way Phil made me feel totally unintelligent, which I now know is not true. I had questions and concerns about his beliefs and odd behaviors from time to time, and when I would ask Phil about my concerns, he would dismiss them as unimportant. Phil was my husband who I loved and trusted, so I believed him when he told me something. I began to believe that I was a little crazy with my concerns. One day he came home from work, and I questioned him about something he had done. His actions felt uncomfortable to me, so I asked him why he had made the choice he’d made. As usual, he made up an excuse telling me that it was no big deal and I was blowing this “nothing” thing out of proportion. I knew deep inside me that wasn’t true, but according to him I was once again being unreasonable and there was nothing to it. I didn’t press him about it or any of the other questions that arose during this time in our lives. He had me totally convinced that I was fanatical and out of line. He was never physically abusive or obviously verbally abusive to me, so any outward signs of his cruelty were not evident – he was much more subtle than that. Later after the truth of his conduct came to light, I came to understand that the spirit was sending me correct messages, but Phil was steering me off the path of listening to the special guidance from the spirit. It was an evil and abusive thing for him to do, but it kept his “cover” going for a long time. I have determined that never again will I allow someone to pull me off the path of receiving life giving messages and comfort from the holy spirit.
I did not know about the abuse that Phil was perpetrating until that fateful day. Once I found out about the abuse, I took steps to stop it and to protect my children. Children that are not protected by those who should be saving them from harm lose trust in people. They have a difficult time making friends, having relationships and feeling joy. Childhood has been taken away from them through the abuse. Children’s lives are meant to be filled with joy, love and laughter – not with the evil things that abuse brings. I heard an abused child say, “I feel different than other children, and I feel like I know more than other kids do”. The things they “know more” about should not be the things they know at their age at all. If children cannot trust the adults that are meant to protect them, it will destroy family relationships. Additional emotional problems can creep in, and those problems can be carried from one generation to the next, causing dysfunctional behaviors if the abuse is not recognized and stopped.
Trust is destroyed in abusive situations. It is hard to recover when you thought you could trust someone and now you can’t. I’ve noticed in relationships that when trust is gone, it’s hard to reestablish trust for that person. It seems easier to love others than to trust them, and I think you can love and care about others and still not trust them. That isn’t necessarily wrong. You may be able to love someone, even pity someone who has chosen a deceptive path, but it’s actually a good thing to be cautious of their future behaviors, requiring them earn your trust back. People that are naturally deceptive have deceived themselves most of all and don’t even feel trust for themselves.
It is common for women that are involved with an abusive man to stay in the relationship. I cannot speak for men that are in abusive relationships with women, but I’m sure these things are equally true for them. I’ve learned that sometimes the mothers of children that are being abused know that the child is being abused by a father, grandfather, uncle, family friend, etc. and they don’t stop it. I cannot comprehend this! I think women that are in relationships with abusive men don’t come forward because they know if they do, their world will be rocked and shaken, forever changed. My question is, “what is so great about being a part of an abusive relationship?” Staying in an abusive relationship keeps us in bondage, in captivity to the darkest powers that Satan can offer. I believe some women think it’s easier to keep what they have because they accept the lie that they will never have anything again if they leave this relationship – no family, no spouse, no love. No one wants to be lonely. After we divorced I found a new truth about loneliness… it is easier to be alone and lonely than to be with someone and lonely.
We live in a world where sex is exploited everywhere. The misuse of intimacy turns intimate acts into something that is dirty, wrong and ugly. I don’t believe the Lord ever intended for sexual intimacies (those things that should only be between a husband and a wife) were to be used for anything but good. It is the way that Heavenly Father’s children are able to come to earth. It is a blessing that should be holy and never used for evil.
If we could all truly see the “big picture” of why we are here on this earth, perpetrators would not participate in abusive behaviors. As children of God themselves, they have forgotten who they are and the great blessing this life is. And they have forgotten that when they abuse a child for their own pleasure, it is God’s child they are misusing. Children are our greatest blessing, our world’s hope and future. We have an obligation and stewardship to teach, love and protect them. They are our spiritual, eternal brothers and sisters and we must protect their eternal welfare. Perpetrators definitely need help, but statistics show a high rate of recidivism even with intense therapy over many years. So I will defend the rights to protect the children over the rights for offenders to have their freedom. As a society, we should always protect the children and do what is best for the child. We as parents need to make a commitment to protect our children, all children. We need to stand up for them, to keep them from the things in this world that would pull them away from the light of God. If we see that they are in distress from an abusive situation, we need to step forward and defend those being mistreated.
Children who are sexually abused are not responsible for the abuse. They are either manipulated or forced to participate. Children are not born with inherent evil. Leaders, teachers, parents – please believe a child that tells you they’ve been abused. Listen to them and help them. Never shut the door of your heart to any child. They need you to believe them, they need you to help them. If their abuser is someone they know, it is a frightening thing for a child to report misconduct about an adult they love and care for. Often it takes years for an abused child to come forward and say what has happened to them.
As parents, we have an obligation and stewardship given to us from the Lord to provide, love and protect our children. They deserve to be loved and nurtured, treated with kindness and taught how they can return to their heavenly home, back to their Heavenly Father. It is our responsibility to teach and nurture our children, to watch out for these little ones that God loves so dearly. If we don’t protect them, who will?
If you have ever knowingly allowed or suspected that a child has been abused by a family member, friend or anyone, repair the mistake that you did not come forward to stop it. Go to the child that was abused and plead for their forgiveness and then get them the help they need to heal. Acknowledge their pain. Make a change in yourself and commit to choose the Lord’s light and never to be a bystander about abuse again. The Lord can forgive you of this offense if you will vow to never knowingly allow such things to happen in the future. If you are an abuser, stop the behavior now and get help from professionals, church leaders and those in your life that would want to help you. Admit your crimes and plead for forgiveness from those you’ve abused, and use the atonement of Jesus Christ to heal you.
If you or a loved one are in a truly abusive situation, get help as quickly as possible. Don’t hesitate – run away from the darkness and tell someone you can trust. Don’t be fooled into believing that you are to blame for the abuse or responsible in any way. This is the adversary trying to get you to stay in the abusive place. Don’t let him convince you that you are not worthy of Heavenly Father’s love or that you’ll never have any real happiness. Don’t let Satan tell you that you have no choice in the matter. Occasionally I imagine that God is looking down upon this earth, saddened and sickened by what He sees happening to His children. He would never want us to be bullied, treated cruelly or exploited by anyone.
In the scriptures there are many stories about standing up for what is right, defending the truth and helping others in need. Christ was the best example of this. He took every situation and responded perfectly to what needed to happen at the time. One day He would heal the leper, the next, raise someone from the dead. When it was right to do so, he threw the “money changers” out of His holy temple and rebuked others for their wrong doing. No matter what Christ’s actions were, His motivation was to heal others and to help them find their way by making correct choices.
If we know that abuse is happening, we should do as Christ did – step in and stop it. Sometimes it may be frightening, sometimes it may be dangerous. But we can’t just sit by and let it continue. The Lord can help us to be strong as we choose to protect His children. These loved ones may be lost without our intervention. All children are dear to Heavenly Father. Christ is our shepherd and we must do all in our power to make sure those children are a part of “His fold.”