In my Christian home growing up, we were taught that we lived with God as a spirit child before we came to earth. In that pre-existent state, we were taught about God’s plan for us to come to earth and gain a physical body at birth. Having that physical body would allow us to grow and progress on this earth in a way that we couldn’t do so in God’s realm without a body. We wanted to come to this earth so badly that we committed then and there to do anything necessary to receive a mortal body. The next part of the plan was that we would have tests and trials, hopefully choosing the Lord’s path while we were on the earth so that we could return to live with him throughout eternity. We would do anything to make that happen, even to experience the pains and trials of life.
As I tried to reconcile the awful things that had happened to myself and my children, I mulled over and over my original decision to marry Phil a few years prior. Through the Lord’s merciful spirit, I came to understand that I hadn’t made a mistake in marrying Phil and I hadn’t deserved the trial. What I had done was to commit to come to this earth and face the trials that would beset me. My belief is that we all told Father in Heaven that we would come to this earth and experience whatever trials we were given. We needed to get a physical body and prove ourselves by choosing Christ and the path He taught us to follow. We might not have understood how painful that process would be at times, but I believe with all my heart that we all committed to it. This idea may be controversial and rejected by some because of the horrific things people have to live through on this earth, but the entire notion of this line of thought rings true to me. I know that I committed to come to this earth and have this particular trial. I believe that I said that I would do anything it took to get back to Heavenly Father. Anything.
You might be asking, “why would you say such a thing?”, or “how can you even think that you committed to go through such terrible things?”
My answer is simple, yet complicated. The Lord helped me to understand this. One day after learning the horrible truth, I was sitting on my couch in the living room. While looking out the window, I pondered the question again, “how could this have happened?” I truly could not comprehend it, nor could I understand that this was now my life. I didn’t want this. I wanted a nice, peaceful, organized life where I could count on Phil to be a great husband and father. Again my thought was, “this could not be happening to me! Why was this happening? What was I supposed to do now?” Then something amazing happened. The answer suddenly popped into my head, and for the first time in my life I believe I experienced “pure knowledge” flowing into my soul. This type of knowledge hasn’t happened to me many times in my life, but this time it did.
It was as if a long parchment of paper was dropped in front of my eyes and I saw a lengthy list of chances that Phil had been given to turn his life around. He had a weakness, and the Lord had given him a chance to change. The long list of things I saw, or “chances” that Phil had been given included our marriage, beautiful and loving children, a devoted wife, a knowledge of Christ and a loving Father in Heaven, intelligence, talents, a home, extended loving families, food to eat, clothes to wear, living in a free country, the comforts of life, etc. Phil was blessed with devoted friends and family, was successful in his field of study and was completing an advanced degree. He earned straight A’s in school and tested in the “genius” category on intelligence tests. He had the opportunity to serve in some wonderful ways in our church. The Lord loved him and wanted Phil to return to live with Him, use his gifts to bless others and be a leader in the church and the community. The Lord gave him many chances to choose goodness, honesty and integrity.
I continued to be taught as I pondered those ideas. By way of a strong spiritual confirmation, I knew that I had committed to help Phil. I knew that I had offered to help him through his trials, and that through our lives together he would have the opportunity to change. Phil just didn’t do it, and after a while he couldn’t do it. He made a choice not to choose Gods’ loving chances and rejected the blessings of Christs’ atonement that could return him home.
I also know that I committed to help my children through the trial this had become in their lives. I remember the feelings I had at the birth of my first child. I had the expected amazement at this miracle that had just been born to me, but I had another feeling I didn’t understand at the time. As my baby lay in the hospital baby bed that had been placed at the foot of my hospital bed, I had the unexpected feeling that this new little person was my friend. We had known each other before we came to this earth. I had committed to being her mother, to love her, teach her and help her throughout her life. But we had been friends first, and I had said that I would be her mother. We would teach each other as we lived our lives together. My children have always been my greatest blessings. I may have said that I would help my children on this difficult path we have walked in life, but they have helped me and taught me much more than I have done for them. I felt assured that if I committed to this, then they must have committed to it, too. We were all in this together, bound by painful ties and blessing each other’s lives.
By committing to heaven that I would do this hard thing, I know that I also committed to helping others in life. As the years have gone by, I have had the opportunity to become friends with people that needed me and I needed them equally. We have shared our struggles together, helped one another and taught each other things we needed to learn. What a blessing it is to have wonderful relationships with family and friends, people who we may be helping one minute, and the next minute they help to elevate us.
Sometimes it is hard to understand why we would have committed to the things that happen in our lives. I have a dear friend that lost his mother at a young age and went through trying times in his youth when he really needed a mother. He jokes with me about the choices he and I made in heaven prior to coming to earth. He says that the two of us went out for ice cream while God was explaining the really hard stuff that all of us would have to go through in this life, so we didn’t hear everything He said. Then when we returned from our ice cream outing, we raised our hands and said, “Yes! We will go!” If we had heard the entire set of earthly conditions, we surely wouldn’t have chosen them. 🙂 It makes me smile to think of his explanation, but we both know that we chose the hard path. Now as we’re on earth God is watching over us as we continue down our paths. God’s nurturing is like walking down a shadowed path and seeing the light just above.