Month: October 2020

There are wonderful people on this earth.  They may be members of our family, our friends and acquaintances, or people we don’t even know.  They can serve as our earthly angels, those that help us on our journey through this mortal life.  They can often be an answer to our prayers, operating as God’s instruments in lifting us up when we are down.  These earthly angels are the kind of angels we can see.  We can also be earthly angels, seen to others.  God hopes that we will serve and love our brothers and sisters on this earth and that we will be there for each other during difficult or joyful times.

My parents were some of my earthly angels.  They loved me and supported me during the bad times and the good times of my life.  They were there for me and my children, always showing love and kindness in any way they could.  I would not have survived my trials without my angel parents.

My siblings and their spouses were also some of my earthly angels.  They showed kindnesses in countless ways and helped me and my children to survive emotionally, financially and spiritually.  I had cousins that came to my aide and provided for my needs.  Dear friends listened to my woes and sorrows and provided hope, some even helped with home improvements.  All these – my angels, were willing to mourn with me and comfort me. These “seen” angels were a great comfort to me.

I have also been blessed in my life to feel some unseen angels.  This type of angel is not of this earth in a mortal state.  They are heavenly beings that have either lived on this earth before, or beings that are yet to be born on this earth. They have come to me in spirit form and I have felt their sweet, comforting presence from time to time. I may not have “seen” these angels, but I’ve known that they were there.  Sometimes I have known who these angels were, and sometimes I have not.  I believe we all have unseen angels around us, and if we become sensitive enough to heavenly things, we will feel them.

I love reading about angels in the scriptures.  It has helped me understand more about what angels do and their purpose in our lives.  In the Old Testament in Matthew Chapter 4, Jesus is being bombarded with Satan’s temptations as he is fasting for 40 days and 40 nights.  Satan tries every trick that He thinks will break Christ’s will and succumb to his evil desires, but Christ’s goodness prevails.  Jesus finally tells Satan to leave him and after Satan departs, the scriptures say, “…behold, angels came and ministered to unto him.”  How did those angels “minister”?  I think they came bringing their spirits of light, which brought God’s spirit to Christ to replace the evil he had been subject to.  I think they spoke words of comfort and encouragement, maybe reminding Christ of who he really was and the importance of his earthly mission.  I imagine them standing in a circle around Christ sharing their light and warmth with him after a dark and cold encounter with Satan.

Turning to Webster’s Dictionary, it explains angels in this way:
Angel:  1) A spiritual being that serves especially as a messenger from God or as a guardian of human beings.  2) A person (such as a child) who is very good, kind, beautiful, etc. 3) A spiritual being superior to humans in power and intelligence; especially: one in the lowest rank in the celestial hierarchy. 

Then there is the idea of guardian angels. 
Guardian:  1) Someone or something that watches or protects someone.  2) One that guards.
Guardian Angel:  1) An angel believed to watch and protect someone.  2) An angel believed to have special care of a particular individual. 

I believe that angels come to help us and guide us, to support our worthy efforts and to “cheer us on”.  I believe they can help protect us in times of need.  I have felt comfort and support from angels.  I believe they are around us, and often!  Some people may doubt the presence of angels in their lives, but I don’t question that they are there – it is our awareness and our ability to believe in them that determines whether or not we feel their presence when they are with us.  Christ was strengthened by angels in the Garden of Gethsemane as He suffered the most pain that anyone can suffer.  I believe that we are also gifted with angels as we suffer our personal pains.

When I was a child I was unaware of heavenly angels, or so I thought.  Yet I remember feeling one particular angel presence quite often, especially in my youth.  My paternal grandfather died when I was two years old.  I vaguely remember him in this life.  My only real memory of him was him kneeling down to my little child level, and with a smile of kindness and love on his face he offered me a piece of candy – a peppermint candy I believe.  That is my only earthly connection to him.  After his passing and as I grew, I felt he was my guardian angel.  I don’t know why I felt this way, no one ever mentioned to me that I might have a guardian angel during my life and I never thought much of it, other than to say I felt that he was with me on many occasions.  I never expressed that feeling to my parents or family members, but I often sensed that he was watching over me.  As an adult with increased awareness and belief, I treasure the times that my grandfather angel was with me.  I know he cares about me and loves me though I have little memory of him.  Every year as I visit his grave, I feel a special connection to this sweet man. 

As a single parent, I was never really afraid to be home alone with my children at night.  It is surprising to me that I didn’t feel fearful.  I prayed each night that angels would be around my home to protect us from any evils that might be lurking.  I prayed that these angels would form a barrier of protection surrounding my home with their light and power that evil could not penetrate.  I know I wasn’t fearful because I had full confidence that if I asked for angels of protection, that they would be with me and my children.

After I had been divorced for about five years, I received word that Phil was to have a parole board hearing.  The likelihood of him being released from prison and out on parole was a strong possibility.  Because the charges relating to Phil’s abuse of my children had been dropped by the District Attorney at the original sentencing, neither they nor I were considered “victims” in the crime, so we would not be notified of any changes in his status or of any legal action concerning him.  Only victims who were included as part of the charges during sentencing would be notified.  That seemed like a crime in itself.  However, other children that had been abused by Phil were considered victims and charges dealing with them had not been dropped and were used as evidence against him.  The parents of Phil’s “victims” had been notified by the parole board that Phil would have a hearing which would determine his possible release after only serving time in prison for five years, or his continued incarceration.

When the parents of the child victims received word of the parole hearing, they contacted my mother to inform her about the scheduled hearing.  My mother decided that it would be best to tell me about the hearing in person rather than on the phone, so she came to my home.  I was in the backyard doing some yard work when she arrived.  As she approached me, I could sense that she had some bad news to share.  Mom was trembling slightly as she informed me about the upcoming hearing.  We knew this kind of news was something which would eventually come, and we had all been dreading the time it would actually happen.  None of us could imagine that Phil would be released from prison ever, considering his crimes.  But we also knew that his fate was out of our control, and the worst scenario in our minds would be his release from prison.  

As mom explained to me about the hearing, I had an unusual sensation.  Suddenly I felt that I had just been surrounded by a group of angels. They were in a circle all around me, with no break in the circle – it was a solid shield of fortification.  I was amazed at what I was feeling – it was something I had never experienced before in my life.  When my mother finished talking, I felt no apprehension or fear about the news she had shared.  It was as if no bad news had been given, and I felt protected from the harm that this news may bring to me. 

For the next few weeks until the parole board hearing took place, I felt my circle of angels with me all the time. They were with me everywhere I went.  I felt their presence with me at home, day and night, at work and even in my car.  I didn’t fully understand then that they had been sent to be with me to protect me emotionally and spiritually from what was going to happen.  They were also helping to prepare me to attend the hearing.  I did not want to go, to be in Phil’s presence again, but I knew that I had to go.  In his confessions, Phil had never mentioned that he had touched my youngest child in an abusive fashion.  After he had gone to prison and my child was a bit older, this child had told me what Phil had done.  This would be new information for the parole board as they had not been a part of the original charges against him, and I wanted the parole board to know this information.  I knew I needed to be at that hearing and report to the parole board that Phil had lied by not fully disclosing all the abuse he had perpetrated.  I felt that if I was in the room at the hearing as Phil heard the additional accusations, he would not be able to deny it.

A few days before the hearing, I decided that I should prepare myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually to attend the hearing.  I was driving alone in my car, headed someplace where I could be alone and ponder. I was thinking about this group of angels and how they had been with me every day since the news of the hearing.  It was still curious to me and I wondered who these angels were.  Talking to myself but speaking out loud I said, “I wonder who you are?”  Suddenly I was given the answer to my question.  All at once I knew who these angels were.  They were my grandparents on both sides of the family, my brother that had died in infancy, great-grandparents that I had never met and a male spirit that I knew had not yet been born on this earth.  I was overwhelmed with emotion as this answer was given to me.  I knew my grandparents were there because I recognized each of their spirits.  Both my grandmothers and my maternal grandfather that had been alive during my childhood were there – I knew it because I felt their presence and personalities as I would have felt them in life.  I knew my paternal grandfather was there who had been my guardian angel, because I recognized his spirit from when he was present during other times of my life.  Though I had not known my brother on this earth, I felt the sibling connection between us.  And I believe that the other male spirit was a child I had miscarried during my marriage.  They had all come to be with me, to support me and literally pull me through this difficult time.  I drove along in tears, so grateful to have been given this knowledge and to feel these precious angels.  I learned a great lesson from this experience – all I had to do was to ask, and the answer was given.  If only we could always have the faith to ask, believing that we would receive an answer.

A few days later I attended the parole hearing.  My parents and siblings attended the hearing with me.  It was sobering as we entered the prison walls and were escorted to the hearing room.  We had been told ahead of time not to bring personal affects with us, as we could not have them in the board room.  We were not allowed to wear our shoes, and had to remove any metals such as belts or change from our pockets.  I could only carry some tissues with me.  We felt as if we were the accused, having been stripped of all our belongings except the clothes we were wearing.  The officers that escorted us to the room were quiet but kind, but the feeling in this prison was dark and oppressive.  It was a very unpleasant setting and I was looking forward to having this hearing over with.   My family and I were escorted into the hearing room first.  Members of Phil’s family sat a few rows behind us.  I was not comfortable interacting with them, so we were allowed to be seated separately.  There were members of the parole board on the stand, a court recorder and several officers standing by.  Lastly, Phil was brought into the room.  He was seated several feet in front of us, with his back to us.  I did not have to look him in the eye or ever see his face directly, which was a relief to me.  He was not allowed to turn around and look at us.  He was told who was in the board room attending the hearing, so he was well aware that my family and I were there.  As the hearing got underway, it was painful to hear the board members recount the charges against Phil.  Several of my family members had written letters asking that the parole board keep him incarcerated.  Phil was informed that we had written letters to the parole board.  They cited my letter which declared that Phil had lied about abusing my youngest child, and gave him an opportunity respond to this.  For the first time he admitted to that portion of the abuse.  I felt he would not have admitted to it if I had not written the letter and not been in the room to be a witness to his response.

Throughout the hearing, we had to listen to various accounts of the charges and of Phil’s depraved behavior.  My mother was seated on one side of me, my father on the other.  Knowing that it would be very hard on me to hear all these things, my dear mother put her hand on top of mine to comfort me.  Her hand began to tremble so badly, and I knew she was struggling with this almost as much as I was.  But I felt calm, because my angels were still with me – they were especially with me now, and I felt the comforting effect of their presence.  Without thinking, I put my free hand (that my mother was not holding) on top of her shaking hand, because I knew that my angels and I could help calm her.  I was amazed that even though this hearing was one of the worst experiences of my life, I felt a calm and strength inside of me that I had not expected to feel.  It was because my angels were there with me.  They saved me that day. 

When the hearing had ended, I still felt the strength and the power of my angel circle.  My family and I were relieved that it was over, and as we left the confines of the prison walls we felt a wonderful feeling of freedom.  We could leave this dark place and return to the light of day and the freedoms we enjoyed.  As we walked to the car to leave, I noticed a change in the heavenly presence that surrounded me.  My angel group was no longer with me.  They had stayed for as long as they were needed, and had been permitted to return now to their existence.  I felt the void of that loss, but will forever be grateful that my loving Heavenly Father sent those heavenly family angels to be with me in my time of great need.  

After several days had passed we learned that the parole board’s decision had been made, and that Phil would be released from prison a few weeks later.   That is not what I had hoped would happen.  It was devastating to know that in spite of all the terrible evidence against Phil, that they would still release him. Yet once again, I was able to go on with life, enjoy my children and feel some calm and peace.  I was certain that angels were helping to bring heaven a bit closer to our lives and sustain us during these dark times.  

Several years ago I was visiting Windsor Castle in England and I saw a statue of a woman that I will never forget.  The woman represents Queen Charlotte of England, she and her baby having died in childbirth.  The statue portrays her as a spirit ascending to heaven, attended by angels on both sides of her, one of the angels cradling her dead child.  Her pose, one hand pointed toward the sky, looks like she is being raised up, set free from earth’s bondage.  I was so touched by this statue that I have thought of it often through the years.  It reminds me that even when we may be at the lowest point in life (for Charlotte having crossed over death’s door), we can also be accompanied by angels that comfort and attend us in our darkest hours, bringing light and hope into our souls.

In my extreme emotional pain, I needed to feel a higher power that could help me.  Though I had support from family, friends and a great counselor, I needed more than what any person or thing could provide me.  I had been mentally and emotionally damaged and I needed heavenly strength to help me heal.  I believe heavenly power is much greater and more powerful than any earthly strength. 

Have you looked at something beautiful in nature such as the ocean, a mountain or a sunset, and felt a connection to a higher power?  I have felt it many times.  That feeling doesn’t come out of nowhere, it comes from inside of us.  Have you ever had the feeling that you are not of this world, that you don’t really belong here?  Have you ever felt that even home didn’t seem right, or quite like home?  Have you ever been standing in a room and felt that the room wasn’t actually reality, that there is something more “out there” that is our reality?  I think that we feel this because we are sensing a connection to the divine, the divine that is our Heavenly Father because we are His children.  That means that there is divine in us because we are eternal beings just like God is.  The feelings of being uncomfortable in this world are because we’re not really of this world, we’re just visiting.  Our true home is in heaven. 

During my trial, there were times I felt like I was a stranger to my trials and to this earthly life.  I felt out of place to be experiencing such an awful thing.  But I also felt such a connection to the divine.  My Heavenly Father helped me to understand that I was not being mistreated or unloved by God because of the trial I was going through, but that I was unconditionally loved by Him and my Savior.   I was given a greater understanding of my place in this temporary world and my connection to the eternal, divine world.  This earth is in an un-perfect state, but we are from a perfect world.  In this “less than perfect world”, there were many times I would get down or depressed, but I received many tender mercies to help me deal with the challenges that life now offered.  I felt the Lord’s grace in my life almost every day.  That is one of the blessings from going through trials, we just have to let the Lord into our hearts to feel His love.  
Often our individual trials do not feel like they should be happening to us.  Difficult trials do not feel comfortable to our spirit, especially when we have an inkling of understanding about who we really are – children of God.  Our trials are not always fully understood by ourselves or by others.  We reach out to be understood, accepted and loved.  That does not always happen.  People are imperfect.  If something bad happens to someone, we all  have our own ideas and opinions about what we think happened and why.  We may think that someone has a trial because they deserved it, or that a major error in judgment was made, which is not always the case.  Our trials are so individual and sometimes lonely.  It’s important not to judge the trials of others, because we have no idea of all the factors involved in their struggle. 

Sometimes people may disappoint us and may not be there for us when we need them.  We have an expectation and a need, and we feel that others may be insensitive to our needs and feelings.  Often they are doing the best they can in their own lives and are just not aware of our needs.  I don’t think people mean to be clueless and we can’t expect them to understand what we’ve been going through unless they’ve gone through a similar experience themselves.  They may be able to sympathize, but they can’t always empathize.  Don’t be offended if others aren’t always there for you when you are in need.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, just as you would like them to do the same for you.  The lesson is this – earthly friends may not be there for us, but remember that we are not alone, not ever.  There is One who is always there for us.  Our Savior is with us and even angels to do His bidding in our behalf.  When we understand our connection to the divine, we won’t feel disappointed that someone has let us down.  When all the world may not know what we feel and what we are going through, Jesus always does!

Even though we are divinely connected to our Heavenly Father in a way that is more real than even this earthly experience, it’s hard to imagine that a divine being will always be there for us, because a veil divides us from our memories of being with our Heavenly Father and knowing Him.  We have earthly limitations to our thinking processes, and we don’t believe what we can’t see.  I believe our Savior knows us, intimately.  That is what the Garden of Gethsemane prayer Christ uttered was all about.  He knows us better than anyone could, because He suffered our pains, for us.  My pain and aching heart became His own pain.  What a beautiful and personal thing He did for each of us!  He understands our aches even if we don’t feel His presence, or recognize how He can comprehend our sufferings.  When we have wonderings if Christ is there to help us, maybe the question in our minds shouldn’t be, “does He understand me?” or “is He really there for me?”  The better question may be “can I and do I believe and know that He is there?” or “what can I do to assure that He will be there to help me?”  Another question we may want to ask ourselves is, “am I there for my Savior?  Do I show my love and appreciation for Him by the way I choose to live my life?  Do I fully appreciate His sacrifice for me?”   In the Garden of Gethsemane even His apostles could not wait with Him for one hour as He prayed for relief to His Father, bleeding from every pore.  Just as the apostles were not supporting Christ as they slept while he bled from every pore, we are not always believers in Christ, especially when something bad happens to us.  Maybe that’s why it’s hard to imagine that He would always be there for us, because sometimes our faith in Him is not there.  I know that Christ is always there for us.  All we have to do to connect with Him is to believe in Him.  He is our connection to the divine!

Maybe we’re all a little bit like a beautiful sunset.  Sometimes the most beautiful sunsets come because of smoke in the air caused by unexpected fires.  The fires in our lives can bring out the most beautiful colors in us if we will connect with the divine of our creator.

There is a stark contrast between light and dark, obvious physical signs that make it apparent what time of the day it is. When it is day and the sun is shining, we can see the physical world clearly.  The warmth of the light feels good and we are comfortable when we can discern our surroundings.  The rays of the sun on us are good for our physical, spiritual and mental well-being – the sun can actually make us feel happier.  When night comes and dark descends, we literally can’t see as well as we could in the daylight and it is difficult to make out details and see things clearly.  The dark of night feels more oppressive, and if we’re in total darkness it is impossible to see – we need some light source to guide our way.  We may be able to see the evident differences between light and dark with our natural eyes, yet  from a gospel perspective, the signs of light and dark may not be so apparent to our spiritual view.

Life’s metaphors of light and dark are profound.  I learned that by using the ideas of light and dark as I made my way through my unwelcome new reality, it helped me discern what was happening with me and my family and which direction I should take.  So let’s talk about light verses darkness in a spiritual sense.

Christ is light.  In the scriptures, Christ is often referred to as “the light of the world”.  I love that analogy, because it’s so literal and easy to understand.  Christ set an example for us to follow and taught us how to live.  If we follow His example, we walk a path that is illuminated by His light and it puts us in a mental and spiritual state of being a part of His glorious light.  We feel happiness and joy, comfort and peace in His light.  Christ and his angels of light are ever at hand, by our side to help us and guide us on a path of light.  Christ’s light is real and there to help us, but we must choose it.

Satan is darkness. Satan’s darkness is equally as real as Christ’s light.  Just as Christ’s desire is to buoy us up, Satan’s desire is to pull us down. Satan and his followers are ever by our side, hoping to lead us down their path of darkness.  Those dark spirits are active and would like nothing more than to have us share their misery.  That would delight them, though I’m not sure why, because I don’t think they ever feel satisfied when another soul joins their ranks.  They want more and more of us, not because it brings them or us any happiness, but just to keep us away from Christ’s light. They will do all they can and try any means possible to pull us into their darkness, just because they don’t want us to choose the light.   

I share my witness with you that both the light and the dark do exist and are very real.  I have heard some people say that they don’t believe there is evil such as Satan.  They dismiss that thought as a ridiculous notion and think there is no such being.  I want to declare that I know that is a lie.  Satan is real, just as Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are real.  I have seen how Satan can take the soul of a man and control him to the point that he doesn’t care what damage he does to anyone else, just so long as his own personal appetites are satisfied.  This is the mind of a perpetrator.  The problem with choosing Satan’s path is that those personal appetites that must be satisfied never really can be satisfied.  That’s the dark beauty of Satan’s plan – pull them in, let them think they have control.  The truth is that they have just lost all control by controlling someone else.  They have lost the ability to have self-control by giving it over to the dark side.  

We are all faced with choices every day, and we have two options – we can choose Christ’s light, or Satan’s darkness.  So how do we choose the light over the darkness?  To keep the light with us, we must take action by seeking good things, praying, reading our scriptures and following Christ’s example in our own lives.  We must choose to shun the temptations of Satan.  We need to acknowledge that Satan and his spirits exist and that they are trying to get into each of us, trying to have place in us.  Sometimes they will succeed, and when they do we must send them away.  We can literally tell them to leave, maybe even command them to leave.  Once we’ve sent them away, we need to replace the darkness with light, the Lord’s light.  We must invite the light to be with us after sending the darkness away, or the darkness will return. 

I remember one night in particular when my children were small.  One child was struggling with the dark spirits that had been introduced through Phil, and it appeared that those spirits were trying to take over.  Feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and emotional pain, my child was too young to understand what was happening.  I sensed those dark spirits, I felt them in my home.  When I was raising my children, I tried so hard to invite only things that would bring light, but the dark spirits saw this child as an easy target because of the former abuse.  I felt their darkness getting stronger and stronger that night, more dark spirits joining the numbers as the minutes passed.  I couldn’t believe what I was feeling, but I knew I couldn’t sit by and do nothing but let them come.  I stopped and gathered my thoughts and through a prayer, spoken out loud, I commanded them to leave my home.  It didn’t take long, and almost instantaneously my child calmed down.  I felt a departure of the darkness leaving, as if they were floating away through the walls.  I went to my child’s bedside and said another prayer, asking that the Lord’s light would come and descend upon all of us and our home.  A sweet spirit replaced the darkness and a feeling of calmness came over us. 

That was a powerful lesson to me.  I learned that we must recognize and acknowledge the darkness around us, then invite it or command it to leave.  If you feel darkness in your life, send it away, tell it that it’s not welcome in your home, your mind or your heart.  Then pray with all the energy of your being that the Lord’s sweet spirit will be with you.  You will feel as if a blanket has been wrapped around you to bring you comfort and peace, brought to you through the light of The Lord.

I’ve also noticed a pattern of Satan’s attempt to bring darkness into my life.  There are times when I am trying to do good or something right, I often meet with an adversarial force to keep me from doing it.  When I’m not trying to be particularly in tune with the spirit and just going along in life, it seems that the adversary leaves me alone.  He must see good choices as a threat to his evil works, but when we’re stagnant in our commitment to make good choices, he can back off because he knows we’re not making any spiritual progression.  Often the adversary comes when I’m trying to do something to help someone else, and he puts things in my path that make it very hard to finish my service.  Those things might be thoughts in my mind or they might be real physical things that arise to divert me from actually following through with my good deed.  I caught on to this negative pattern that Satan placed in my path, so the next time as I prepared to do that good thing, I prayed fervently that the adversary would not come and influence me or create a problem.  Things went flawlessly, and I was able follow through with my good intentions.  But I should have been more on guard, because later that evening and the next day, Satan had his way.  He sent negative messages to my mind, and by the next evening I was in the depths of depression over nothing when I had just felt like I’d been truly feeling the spirit twenty-four hours earlier.  We can never let our guard down.  We must always be watchful and know that Satan may try to influence us each day in different ways.  He may try a particular strategy one day, and when we have caught on to his game and have figured out that approach, he will try another tactic the next day.  Sometimes his line of attack is so obvious that it’s laughable.  Other times he sneaks in the back door of our minds and we don’t see him coming.  When that happens we often don’t recognize him for what and who he is.  Negative thoughts come from Satan.  They come from him as he comes for us, and he will always keep trying to influence us for ill. 

When choosing between the light and the dark, think of it as a war.  Satan verses Christ, or rather us verses Satan.  Misery verses happiness and joy.  The choice sounds easy, doesn’t it?  But it’s not easy and this war rages on every day.  Some days will be easier than others, but our goal is to win!  By winning, we get to have Christ’s light with us and feel His peace and His love.  We need be at the ready and to have our emotional and spiritual weapons ever at hand so we are prepared for the fight when Satan’s soldiers arrive. 

I have a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and of His perfect light.  I know it is true, I have seen the Lord’s power of light and happiness in my own life.  I also have a strong understanding of the power and darkness of Satan.  I can look back and see how Phil slowly lost his light and his soul by following the dark lies of the adversary.  Satan is as real as Jesus Christ.  Know that, believe it and be watchful.

Many times in the beginning of this trial, I felt like I was in a dark tunnel, uncertainty and fear swirling all around me.  But without fail, there was always light shining in that tunnel from the other end.  I just needed to keep moving toward the light and eventually I emerged from that tunnel.  And once I was out of the dark and fully into the light, the warmth I felt from God’s light would give me the vision to see as He wanted me to see.

There are times in all of our lives when we feel like we’ve just taken a plunge and are swimming in cold, deep waters.  Sometimes it feels that maybe someone has just pushed us into the deep and we can barely breathe, barely keep our heads above the water to survive.  If we start swimming in spite of the sudden shock of the cold, keeping our eye on the shore, believing we can get there and swimming with all our might, the cold and the deep won’t have power to pull us down. 

For many years as the date of my “hell day” approached, it was a difficult time for me.  On the anniversary of that day I felt gloom and sadness, remembering the events of that life changing experience.  Some years I would get busy and not be thinking about it at all, but the cells in my body and memory banks did not forget.  If consciously I didn’t remember, my heart and soul did and I would suffer from feelings of distress just as I had on that first and terrible day.  My subconscious couldn’t forget, maybe wouldn’t forget because of the memories.

That happened each year for about 10 years.  I would get depressed on that anniversary day, sometimes before I even made the connection that my “hell  day” had rolled around once again.  After several years it started to get a little easier as that calendar day arrived, but the pain of it lasted for a long time.  It has never been an anniversary day that I forget.  Some years the day has been terrible for me, and almost every year I have felt gratitude that I was able to be liberated from a situation that could have kept me in a hellish state.  Sometimes even now, more than 30 years since that day, I remember it with both sadness and thankfulness. 

In the beginning, my counselor wisely told me that I would encounter some powerful feelings when this day came each year.  My counselor, Mark called it “Anniversary Syndrome”.  It was so essential that I understood what would happen to me – to my thoughts, to my self-esteem, to my heart as I remembered the sequence of events that would change my life forever.  When any of us go through traumatic events in our lives, we must learn to be patient with ourselves.  Grieving may occur time and time again, and rather than beating ourselves up over it, we must learn to love ourselves through the process.  It’s also important to know that those disheartening feelings will pass over time, and we don’t have to start at the beginning of the pain with each anniversary.  If you’ve been through trauma, expect the reminders of the day to come, then allow it to pass.  Continue moving on, moving forward and progressing past those things which would and could permanently bring you down. 

Memories are important things to keep.  Of course the good memories usually stay with us, but the bad ones have their place, too.  If we can go through the healing process by admitting the truth of the terror, giving ourselves permission to feel the pain and grief, permitting ourselves to go beyond the pain, then the memories serve an important purpose.  It’s a wonderful feeling to know that you have been through something more terrible than you could ever imagine, and then realizing that you did rise above it!  It is possible and of utmost importance to RISE.  The memories may remain, but our souls do not have to stay mired in the gloom.  

The Lord provides tender mercies along our life path to heal and to help us.  On the 25^th anniversary of my terrible hell day, the Lord allowed a new grandbaby to be born into our family.  The birth of this beautiful baby boy has now changed that awful day into a day of rejoicing instead of day of

sadness.  I don’t believe it was an accident that this new grandchild was born on that day or that it just happened that way, I believe and know that the Lord arranged the whole miracle of that birth to help heal me.  Once again I praise my Father in Heaven for His loving kindness and merciful blessings in my behalf.  Tender mercies happen for all of us.  We just need to open our eyes to the possibilities of the miracle. 

I dislike the term “broken home”.  When people talk about a “broken home” it gives images of something that is forever smashed to bits and can never be repaired or whole again.  I rejected that term “broken home”.  As I made my way into single motherhood, I did my best to make my children feel that their home was not broken.  It’s true that I was struggling to be a good parent, to smile through my tears and pain.  I knew I had to look to find a new “normal” for us and to find a new kind of happiness with just the three of us.  Life was hard, but it was also good.  I had lost much, but I still had the best gifts I had ever wanted – I had my sweet children.  They needed to be raised, to be supported and to be loved. “Broken” was the term that would have applied if I would have stayed in the relationship with Phil, married to an abuser.  If I had stayed, my children may still have had two parents, but at what cost?  I was actually keeping my family from being broken by ending the marriage.

After making the decision to divorce, I was told something that still chills my bones when I think about it.  I don’t recall what legal authority told me this, but someone explained to me that if I had chosen to remain married to Phil that my children would have been taken away from me.  Probably to be placed in the custody of the state.  I understand that there were good reasons they didn’t tell me this before I had made my decision.  Phil had admitted guilt to the abuse and he was sentenced to prison.  I’m sure that the authorities recognized that Phil was a danger to the children and thought that if I choose to stay married to him that I may not protect them from him, choosing loyalty to him over my loyalty to the children.  If I was going to welcome him back into my life when he was released from prison, then I wouldn’t be a safe person for them to be around either, choosing him over their safety and possible further abuse.  I know sometimes women don’t want to divorce even if their child has been abused by their husband – they don’t want to lose their spouse because they’re afraid of being without someone.  The outcome of my decision to leave Phil and end our marriage was a blessing to me.  I don’t think I could have ever made it through life after that if I’d had to live life without my children.  As ineffective of a parent as I was at the time, they needed me as much as I needed them.  They needed me to protect them from further harm and to love them. My life had purpose because I still had them with me.  I know that my life would have totally broken apart without my children. 

Our family unit may have changed, but it was not broken.  We were now without a father, but I was determined to make sure our little family was as whole as possible with the three of us.  Heavenly Father would help us to heal.  Our family was functioning and happy most of the time, though it was also very difficult and painful at times.  But with the negative spirit of abuse gone and our little home more full of the gospel and its’ light, my children would learn to choose the right because they would understand what “the right” was.  They would be able to re-learn what love truly is, and could experience genuine, sincere love from one parent.  They wouldn’t have the pull and manipulation of the other parent lying to them and putting on a façade, pretending to be an honorable father and all the while showing them a twisted view of what “love” was between father and child.  The spirit could dwell in our home, unrestrained and strong enough to chase away the effects of the adversary. 

I don’t think I understood then that a determined attitude and the choice I made at that time changed the course of our lives. Our home may have had its’ very foundation shaken, the emotional walls close to toppling, but my children would not be permanently broken.  Not on my watch they wouldn’t.  

On a recent trip to a beautiful lake, I was relaxing and sitting out in the shallow water on the softest sand.  I dug my hands into the gentle sand to feel it between my fingers and I touched a rock that was buried underneath the surface.  It felt smooth to the touch, so I brought it up out of the water to have a look.  I like unique rocks, and this one had been smoothed by the sands over time, almost into the shape of a heart.  The most remarkable thing about it was evidence that there had once been a crack right across the middle of the rock, but the crack had been healed.  What had once been two pieces, broken apart, were now mended and over time had become just as solid, strong and whole as it had originally been.  This broken heart was like my broken heart.  Time and healing had mended us both.